Our Best Day So Far

Memories of Hawaii

2012-01-27T12:43:00.001-07:00

When we first arrived at the home where we would be staying during our Hawaiian vacation, I noticed we had a perfect view of the ocean to the east. I knew it would be a perfect vantage point for some amazing sunrises over the ocean.

But our first night there, I was exhausted and crashed into bed at 10:00 p.m. (1:00 a.m. Utah time). Then, you assume I would be able to rise early. After all, 7:00 a.m. in Hawaii is 10:00 a.m. in Utah. Well, I had a few mornings that I woke and glanced out the window at the sunrise, but I didn't get up. I didn't go outside and get pictures.

It wasn't until Wednesday morning that I got up, got dressed, and headed down to the beach to get some pictures. Photos still don't do the sight justice, but at least I tried.

Wednesday morning, Britt had made arrangements to take surfing lessons down in Hanalei Bay at 9:00 a.m. That meant we needed to get ready for the day a little earlier than we had been. Typically, we did not leave the house until around noon, and that was okay. After all, we were on vacation.

I took advantage of the moment to get a picture of one of the beautiful views of the island:

Britt and Jeff before their lessons started (my camera has been having focus issues)

listening to their instructor

a panoramic shot of Hanalei Bay

practicing their stance

Britt's got the "warrior" pose down

the pier

Britt was a natural

Sorry, Jeff. I couldn't resist posting these pictures

oops!

I joked with Britt that while he and Jeff took their lessons, Alisa and I were going to take off on our own with the jeep. But then, I decided to play paparazzi, taking a ton of pictures of them while they played (they said it was exhausting). I think Alisa was just happy to soak up the sun. It was a beautiful morning, with temperatures in the low 80's. The surf instructor recommended the little taco stand for lunch, so Britt ordered a veggie burrito and I got the chicken quesadilla with cream cheese and jalapeno. It was a bit spicy for my taste, so we ended up trading with him halfway through.

The rest of the day was open for plenty of options. We could go snorkeling again. We could go find another beach. Take a hike. We decided to find Secret Beach, a supposedly hidden oasis, not accessible from the road. A beach and a hike. It was worth it, too. Those pictures later. . .

7 Days and 7 Nights in Hawaii

2012-01-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I still can't believe it.

Even when I was there I couldn't believe it. Hawaii is one of those places you dream of going someday --like Alaska, Becky ;) And I was there, and I saw one of the youngest ecosystems on the planet, compared to the really old one I came from here in Utah. It was all so much to take in. Hawaii.

Several people told me Kauai was the island to see for scenery, and that was definitely true. It was really beautiful there, with so many amazing beaches, as well as fun little communities, gorgeous waterfalls, and trees and plants that were so interesting. I don't believe I really got a decent picture of the trees out there, and that makes me kind of sad. Truthfully, I have a few regrets about things I didn't manage to see or do while we were there. I guess that will just be my motivation to get out there again. And I certainly did manage to take several pictures--almost 600, although several are action shots of Britt surfing; so, after I delete half of those, the number is probably around 400.

Just a few of those pictures:

These guys were hilarious. They were playing in some pretty big waves. Actually, they had the lifeguard pretty nervous, especially since Britt wasn't wearing his swimsuit, so he didn't know whether or not Britt could swim. The lifeguard said swimmers have broken their spines when hit by a pretty massive wave. Apparently, one year when Jeff and Alisa were in Hawaii, they spent a bit of time in the emergency room, because he broke his collarbone playing in the waves. So, we definitely believe in the power of strong waves.

It was a little bit ironic that after telling us the story of Jeff visiting the emergency room on a previous trip to Hawaii, we ended up taking him to the dentist on Martin Luther King Day for an emergency root canal. That guy doesn't seem to have the best luck when traveling.

But it gave us an opportunity to view this lighthouse--such a gorgeous sight (yes, this is the same lighthouse I posted earlier, just a different picture of it)

An interesting cave

The real flowers look just like the fake ones you can buy as souvenirs

At A'ni'ni Beach, Britt took me snorkeling

Aren't we a cute couple?

I didn't know if I would enjoy snorkeling. It seemed like it would be awkward. I hate swallowing sea water, and all that. But it was actually really enjoyable. I had a few moments when I took my mask off and ended up with a ton of salt water in my eyes, but if I hadn't messed around with the mask, I probably would have been fine. Britt is a stronger swimmer, so I held onto his ankle and he pulled me along.

For a long time, we were just looking at sand and a little bit of coral, with a few tiny fish. And then suddenly, we were swimming right over a sea turtle. It didn't seem at all bothered that we were following it. We swam directly over it for quite a while. Then, we decided to head back, and we came across another sea turtle, just hanging out below us. That was a pretty awesome experience, I thought.

One of the nice things about our trip to Hawaii is that we had no set agenda, no list of things we had to do. We had a few things we were interested in doing and seeing, but there was no pressure or rush to do any of it. We just mostly went with the flow, and that was really nice.

And every other moment, Britt and I would say to each other, "Our kids would really love this." Some day. . .

A few pictures from our Hawaii trip

2012-01-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

I will compose a real post (or a few) about Hawaii some time this week.

I guess I am still recovering from my vacation.

One of the waterfalls we visited; we wanted to hike down to the pool, but we were told we could get fined for trying

Tree tunnel road. This picture was taken as I stood up in a moving jeep (with the soft top removed).

Isn't he cute? He was a big guy. I swam with a couple of these guys later in the week.

See the monk seal just leaving the beach. Apparently, they have lots of very sharp teeth. You should not try to pet a monk seal. You can get in a lot of trouble.

The roosters ruled the island

Kilauea Lighthouse was really pretty

One of many, many gorgeous beaches (we didn't even visit all of them there).

Soooo tired, in a good way.

2012-01-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

Hawaii is, in a word, spectacular.

I have so many more pictures to share with you. You may have heard the scenery here is amazing? Yes. Oh, yes. So amazing, beautiful, phenomenal. My photos do not even come close to doing it justice. I will share a few with you later, though. I promise.

What have we done so far?Snorkeling. Driving. Some hiking. Waterfalls. Hanging at the beach. Taking lots of pictures. Reading. Watching movies. Laughing. It's a fun bunch we are here with. I don't know everyone's full names. We just met most of them. We were invited by Jeff and Alisa Nielson. The rest of our party are friends and hunting buddies of Jeff: Mike and Kellie Roring, Doyle and Carin, Torry and Kathy Brock, Court King and Gina, and Olin and Jacki.

We attended church on Sunday. The first of the two talks given was excellent. She likened going on a vacation without using smart phones or other guides to plan ahead and make informed choices about where to eat and what to do; to going through our lives without seeking and following revelation. You just end up going to whatever you see, kind of aimlessly, and often your experience will be hit or miss. Why take the risk, when those tools (revelation) are available to us, she said. It made a lot of sense. So nice how the church is true everywhere. It was a lovely way to start our week here.

Yesterday, we saw some waterfalls, looked for a couple lighthouses, drove to a couple different beaches, through a tree tunnel, and saw a sea turtle on the shore.Today, we saw a monk seal on the beach outside our back yard. I got pictures before it swam back into the ocean. Part of our party (no, it wasn't Britt) got a little too close to the seal and were soon informed by a wildlife protection volunteer that there is a $25,000 fine if you are caught in close proximity to a monk seal. You must be at least 25 yards away from a monk seal and even more than that away from a sea turtle. Good to know. We don't need any more fines, do we, Britt?

We spent some time sitting in the sun. Then we took Jeff to the only dentist we could find open during the Martin Luther King holiday. He needed a root canal. He has been miserable since we got here. While he was getting drilled, Britt, Alisa and I enjoyed a yummy lunch at a tasty bistro in Kilauea. We also got to check out a lovely lighthouse down there, and do a bit more whale watching.

We headed on over to Princeville, where we checked into the zip line tour there. On then to Hanalei, looking into surf lessons. Down. To Tunnels Beach. We investigated a few other beaches along the way. Just so you know, the North Shore of Kauai is freaking gorgeous. Really, really gorgeous. The scenery, the towns, the homes. We are definitely looking forward to spending more time up there.

Life here is good. Yes, I am tired. It is a good kind of tired. So good.

Aloha from Hawaii

2012-01-14T19:11:00.001-07:00

We are having a lovely time here in beautiful Hawaii. Last night I fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing in this ocean. Last night I was so tired if the only sound I heard was the roosters crowing (they are everywhere here), I still would have fallen asleep quickly and slept soundly. But it really is wonderful to be here. It is such a unique experience. Let me see if I can explain.

Friday, our plane arrived in Lahue, Kauai around 3:00 p.m. We were on that plane nearly seven hours! And you know what? It was actually one of the most pleasant flights I have ever been on. I didn't try to sleep; I usually feel worse after sleeping on a plane, and I really didn't need to, anyway. The first picture here was taken when our plane was flying over the North Shore of the island of Oahu. I am looking forward to spending one day on that island before we leave Hawaii. I would like to see Pearl Harbor, the Polynesian Culture Center and maybe even the temple there.

When we arrived here, we were three hours ahead of the rest of our party, so we went ahead and picked up the rental car and went to dinner. The rental car company refused to honor the online reservation Jeff Nielson had made for us, so we ended up being charged $140 extra. It was kind of crazy the way they refused to budge.

But dinner was divine! Duke's was definitely a restaurant worth visiting. The view was fabulous and food was seriously tasty. I mean perfectly prepared fresh fish and a tasty salad bar, how could we go wrong?

Second dinner that night was good as well. We had fish tacos and curry chicken at a little stand called the Mermaid's Tail. We ate around 9:00 here, which you may know is midnight Utah time. The portions were huge, and the fish tacos were plenty spicy. Needless to say, we did not eat much. But it was delicious.

We arrived at the beach home where we are staying (Britt only got a little bit lost) a little before 10:00. Then, everyone hung out a while and visited. Everyone except me. I crashed big time. I didn't feel bad; just amazingly exhausted. But also, so happy to be here.

Today, Britt cooked us an excellent breakfast. He and some others in our crew left early this morning to buy groceries. Then, we headed back into town (Lihue--there are other towns around here, but Lihue is the big one). We spent a decent amount of time there, bought way more food than we will need for the week, and then made our way back here.

We stopped at a little flea market here and Jeff bought some barbeque chicken. Moist and flavorful. But the guy he bought it from was kind of a character, going on and on about how Hawaii is in a revolution, and they are fighting to get their land back, the kingdom of Hawaii, he called it. He was offended when Jeff asked if he could have the chicken for $5 instead of $6. Apparently, Hawaii is not like Mexico. I think they are offended there if you don't try to wheel and deal on the price.

Just now, we watched a crazy entertaining football game, and now some of us are napping, some are snorkeling in the cove right outside our back door, and I have been watching the whales jumping in the distance.

It is amazing here.

What do you do when your flight to Hawaii is over booked and you don't have a guaranteed seat?

2012-01-13T20:50:00.001-07:00

And it's Friday the thirteenth. Could be pretty unlucky. If you are me, you wait while everyone boards, hoping someone will upgrade to First Class, leaving a seat for you, or that someone will surrender their ticket, take the $500 flight voucher and fly out the following day.

Almost the whole flight had boarded when the airline gave me the last ticket available on the flight. I flew first class (at no extra charge).

What do you do when you take your seat and the pilot comes out and invites any first class passengers who wish, to check out the 747 cockpit and bring your camera phones?

Well, if you're me, you are still feeling out of your element, in first class about to be on the way to Hawaii, so you panic and you can't decide if you should stand up, and you miss the opportunity.

Ugh.

But, Aaaaah! I am in Hawaii!

(Flying first class was awesome, by the way)

Rachel's Christmas Party

2012-01-11T17:11:00.001-07:00

I thought it would be fun to post pictures from the Christmas party Rachel threw on December 16th. She had 8 friends over, plus Tyler and Olivia. We had a lot of fun, playing games, singing songs and making cornflake Christmas wreaths. I took more pictures, but I don't know if all those girls' parents would like to have pictures of their kids posted on the Internet.

Here is the recipe for the cornflake Christmas wreaths:

1/2 cup butter
30 large marshmallows
1 1/2 tsp green food coloring
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 cups cornflakes cereal
2 Tbsp cinnamon red hot candies

Melt butter in a large saucepan over low heat. Add marshmallows and cook until melted, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in the food coloring, vanilla and cornflakes.

Quickly drop by heaping tablespoonfuls onto waxed paper and form into a wreath shape with lightly greased fingers. Immediately decorate with red hot candies. Allow to cool to room temperature before removing from waxed paper and storing in an airtight container.

I got the recipe from allrecipes.com. I would share a link, but I don't know how to do that with my iPad. We doubled the recipe for this occasion, and we greased the girls' hands by spraying them with Pam non-stick spray. We also added some silver sprinkles. I think it would also be fun to tie a piece of licorice rope to make a bow.

It was a fun party, but it went way too late for my taste. Rachel is a social butterfly, but she doesn't really like staying up late, either. By 10:00 p.m. some of the girls were rowdy and silly and others (namely my youngest two) were tired and grumpy.

I am just practicing posting on my iPad, because if I post at all in the next several days it will be this way. I am on my way to Hawaii in two days. As I said, there are no guarantees that I will post, but we will have to see.

POST EDIT: I got the date wrong the first time I posted this. It was the 16th, not the 23rd. It didn't seem right to me that we had so much going on that night. Well, we didn't. The party was actually a week before Christmas Adam. And it went until 10:00, not 9:00. No wonder we were so tired! Especially after I drove everyone home afterward.

Oh, and speaking of my easily tired darling Rachel. She was invited to a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house. They had all kinds of fun activities going on there, but she fell asleep. It took a lot of effort, but they were able to rouse her just before midnight to celebrate the New Year! Sweet, sleepy girl!

More Pictures from Grandpa Lee's Birthday Bash

2012-01-06T12:14:00.002-07:00

You would think these five kids were still in grade school:

I guess this is the best one I got

the "kids" and their spouses

David and Karleah Lee and some of their family

Monty and Lana Lee and some of their family

Laura (Lee) and Bob Robbins and some of their family

Larry and Susan Lee and some of their kids

and grandkids

Carol Lynn (Lee) and Joe Barton with some of their posterity

one last shot of Grandma and Grandpa with one of their great-grandchildren

We are so grateful to have grandparents here in town. When I was growing up, most of my great-grandparents had already passed away, or lived so far away, I didn't really know them. It's been a few years since Grandma Lee was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Sometimes that makes it harder for us to spend time with them. We used to head out to Grandpa Lee's cabin fairly often in the summers, but the unfamiliar area and the rowdy great-grandchildren tend to make Grandma nervous. Still, it is so fun for my children to get to know their great-grandparents. And as you can see, they still have a lot of love to give to the little ones.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa Lee!

2012-01-05T22:17:00.002-07:00

On Saturday, December 17, the Lee family celebrated their patriarch at a surprise birthday event. I believe he turned 80 this year, and his birthday was actually a few days later, but it was a great chance for all of us to get together and honor him.

This first picture is when he walked in to see all of us wishing him a happy birthday. Surprise!

here we are cheering and singing "Happy Birthday to You!"

getting hugs from family

cousins hanging out

enjoying a delicious dinner

and goofing off

it looks like Monty hasn't quite figured out planking yet

Grandpa's favorite

The cute couple

with one of their gorgeous granddaughters

Okay, I will admit I don't actually know how old Grandpa Lee is, but we love him. And we really loved seeing several of our family members for this special occasion. I promise I will post the family pictures that we took that day soon.

The Days When Girls Basketball Took Over Our Lives

2012-01-04T21:21:00.001-07:00

{otherwise known as November}

During the month of November, every Tuesday and Thursday evening, Britt and I moved into the Wellness Center. One or both of our oldest two girls would be playing a game or two. We were often there from 5 until 8, parked in our folding chairs while we watched both of our girls play basketball on separate courts.

Tyler and Rachel are not especially competitive (except when it comes to each other) and Tyler was definitely the smallest player on her team, but I think they still had a lot of fun. They had good coaches, and the other girls on the team tried to make it fun for them. Tyler's team actually only lost one game. Often, her team would lead the other team by a huge margin. They even got to the point where they would spend the last quarter of the game trying to get the ball to Tyler to give her a chance to score.

I actually witnessed the same thing happen in one of Rachel's games as well. The other team had only scored a couple baskets, and almost everyone on her team had made a basket during the game. So, their goal was to get the ball to Rachel. But the other team was on to that strategy, and stripped the ball from her every time. Then, she finally held onto the ball long enough to toss it up for a basket. Score! I was so busy watching, I didn't get the picture fast enough. Go, Rachel!

Unfortunately, I was also too slow with the camera to get a team picture for Rachel. I was busy watching Tyler play at the same time Rachel's last game ended. Then, I realized other people were taking team pictures, but most of Rachel's team had left at that point. Since Rachel's good friend (and one of the leading scorers on her team) Taisiah (pronounced Tajya) was still around, I had the two of them pose for a picture.

Apparently, the cookies are an important part of Tyler's team.

All in all, it was a fun experience for everyone. Britt and I even started getting up early (5:30 a.m.--craziness!) to take our kids to the Wellness Center and work out. I think that was also good for the girls, to get some time working out with their dad, and learn a few more basketball basics. They didn't always get to put what they learned into practice on the courts during game time, but I think they came to love the game more.

Now, we have moved on to JO Volleyball. Good times.

The Visit

2011-12-31T23:53:00.001-07:00

Many of you are aware that this past week, I was not simply visiting family. I was meeting my birth daughter for the first time and spending time with her family and her. Recently, before the holidays, I had a friend tell me I should make sure I took lots of pictures. Well, just so you know, I took plenty of pictures, but they are for me and her family only. I hope you will respect their privacy. It was an amazing time for us, and I am so grateful to be able to know them again. It was especially wonderful to get to meet that beautiful girl I gave birth to over 18 years ago. And wonderful to become re-acquainted with the people Heavenly Father chose to be her family.

Monday night, we arrived at the family's home, thirty minutes earlier than we had planned. We had tried to give ourselves enough time to get there and to locate their home. They welcomed us in. My girls immediately latched onto "Cosette". Her parents told me she is the neighborhood babysitter, because she is so good with kids. She was very sweet and patient with Tyler, Rachel and Olivia. Right away, she got out some of her favorite Christmas gifts, which included some fun hats like the one Tyler is wearing in the first picture. She also introduced us to her cat.

The second picture shows Garrett playing with their cat. According to Cosette, the cat doesn't like guys (including her brother), but it seemed to get along just fine with Garrett. Her brother and his wife were unable to be there for our reunion. They spent the holiday break with his wife's family in another state.

It was fun to see Cosette and her parents in their home, fun to watch them interact, nice to be able to recognize and enjoy the traditions and other things that bond them together. It is also nice to know that they are active in the church and strong in the Gospel, as I hope seeing the faith of our family is comforting to them, as well. After a delicious dinner, during which sweet Olivia could not get enough bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar (she considered it a special treat), we sat down at their table and looked through some old pictures and albums.

I really loved seeing pictures of that sweet little girl with her parents. All the pictures I was allowed to receive were of her only. I even have one of her with her father in which his head was cut out. Being able to see the love and the joy in her childhood, the bond they shared as a family, was such a gift. I also shared the album that I saved of the letters and pictures which they had sent to me. Cosette had fun looking at happy pictures of herself, which she says they gave all to me, because she remembers seeing plenty of sad, sour-faced pictures, since she was always throwing up as a baby. Of course, they have duplicates of the pictures they gave to me, so I am not the only one with the happy pictures.

All in all, it was a lovely evening. Before we made this trip, several people who knew it was coming have asked me if I was nervous. I would always tell them I wasn't really nervous; just excited. But when the time finally came that we were coming to their home, going to meet her for the first time--yes, I realized I was nervous. Would she like me? Would her parents be okay with our whole family taking over their lives this week? I just didn't know how it would go. Would it be awkward? Would we all sit around not knowing what to say?

But her family was so welcoming. It was like greeting long-lost friends. It was a really nice time to spend with good people we love. I am so thankful for the good people that they are, and their willingness to love and accept me and my family. Olivia has been telling everyone that her biggest Christmas present this year was that she was going to get to meet Cosette. Yes.

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

Memories of Christmas Day

2011-12-31T22:41:00.003-07:00

Christmas morning here was like any Sunday morning around here. That is, it was like any Sunday morning around here that I had to sing a solo. (In case you didn't know, I have never sung a solo in church before, so basically I was calmly, silently freaking out). We made it to church early (which I suppose is also not typical).

the girls looked simply lovely in their new Christmas dresses

Rachel was feeling sick, but she didn't want to miss seeing me sing (and she didn't want to miss wearing her new dress to church)

I heard our sacrament meeting was very nice, very spiritual. It was all over in a little bit more than an hour, so for a Christmas morning program, it was perfect. I don't really know. I sang my solo, too slowly, started in the wrong key, and blundered through. Basically, after practicing all week, I felt pretty awful about the way it sounded. Cole said I was too close to the microphone, and it is a bad sound system. Yeah, I guess we can blame the sound system. Toward the end of the program, I also sang with the choir, and I felt a lot better about that performance. All in all, I was really glad it was over. I apologize if any of you were there and tried to compliment me. I am afraid I was not very gracious; I just didn't feel like I had sung well at all. I'm sorry.

But the rest of our Christmas day was very pleasant. Papa Joe and Grandma Carol came over in the afternoon, and we had a nice visit with them. They also received a special framed picture from us, and they told us how much they liked it. We shared a delicious Christmas Brunch with them, consisting of buttermilk pancakes, buttermilk syrup, bacon, cheese souffle and fresh-squeazed orange julius. When we have a little extra time, we love to make this meal to share with people we love.

Later in the day, we made it over to Grandma Gail and Grandpa Worthy's to visit and spend some time with Chrislynn and Richie's family while they were visiting, especially since they would be staying longer, but we were leaving to visit family up north on Monday.

just chillin'

do you think they are texting each other?

Kd is enjoying her new iPad that she got for Christmas; Grandma is enjoying the company

Tyler loved playing with Sophia and her presents

Richie has a special superhero name, but I keep forgetting it--Oh, wait that's not Richie; that's . . . [insert superhero name]

Back at our house, I thought I would show you some pictures of our newest family member

His name is Diesel and he is really adorable, and he seems to have a nice, mellow personality. Thank you, Macdonald family for this special Christmas gift!

It was a good Christmas all the way around. We kept it fairly simple, as far as presents go, but that helped us to keep the focus on enjoying being with family and those we love. And maybe next year I can volunteer to be a narrator, so I can enjoy the spirit of the program without the stress of singing a solo. I don't think I am ready for doing that again any time soon.

Christmas Eve Dinner at Our House

2011-12-31T18:43:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite parts of the Christmas Holidays is spending time with family. I also love that I live in an awesome home that is perfect for hosting large family gatherings.

One of our Glover Family traditions is drawing names among the siblings and exchanging gifts (when possible) on Christmas Eve. Chrislynn just got an awesome blender from Kd. And I got a gorgeous scarf hand-knit by Chrislynn. Worthy got a promise from me, because I had not completed his present in time for the exchange.

We are all having a ball.

Worthy is talking about his favorite infomercial products

This is my parents opening the present from our family (from me)

There is a story on the back; that is why my parents are hiding behind it:

This is my story:

When I was a kid, I thought my Dad was a celebrity. I always thought it was so cool when he showed up somewhere with his guitar. Singing along with the songs he sang are some of my fondest memories. The best was watching other people react as he sang, "I'm Going Lion Hunting" or The Ant Hill Song in Navajo. I cannot remember when I first realized that my Dad and Dr. Lobotomy were the same person. I do remember believing in his alter ego just like I believed in Santa.

The first time Britt met my Dad was at a Blanding Stake Young Women Campout, and it was also his first introduction to Dr. Lobotomy. Britt and some friends got caught trying to sneak into camp. All the young women were gathered for the evening entertainment. That night, the entertainment included a bunch of Monticello High School Wrestlers wearing black sweats and Dr. Lobotomy masks (courtesy of my Dad), dancing to "Singing in the Rain. . .Tooty-tot, tooty-tot, tooty-tot-tot!" on the picnic tables. That is an image I will never forget.

I love you, Dr. Lobotomy!

I think they like it. That's me, by the way, with Dr. Lobotomy.

The kids happily went straight to the kid table with their food

And proceded to get social at this social event

good food--Mom always makes the best

good company--so glad Chrislynn and Richie and family could make it, and Aunt Nancy, too

posing silly

having too much fun

We stayed and played for a little while after dinner. Tyler entertained everyone with her karaoke machine, and Sophia entertained everyone with her dancing

Here is a picture of me in the gorgeous scarf Chrislynn made for me. I promise Worthy's gift from me is almost as awesome, or at least it will be once I finish it. Happy Birthday to Worthy tomorrow! It is so fun celebrating my big brother Worthy's birthday on New Year's Day and my baby brother Tim's birthday the next day. Both were the new year baby when they were born, Worthy in Provo and Tim in Monticello.

You think I am almost caught up, but no. I am not even close. Still, I am going to try to finish out the events from the holidays and then maybe work my way back to some other things that I missed. We live a truly blessed life, but it can sometimes be kind of hard to document all those blessings. Not that I am complaining. I love it here!

Christmas Came Early to Our House!

2011-12-31T14:32:00.002-07:00

Saturday morning last week, Britt and I were snuggled sound in our beds, with visions of Santa dancing in our heads. We imagined the kids would be up eventually, but with their vacation from school officially begun, we figured we had time to enjoy the calm (unlike typical Christmas mornings, where the kids are up long before we are ready, and we usually have to make them wait to open presents). Well, our youngest child had visions of a gift she wanted to make for a friend, so she popped up bright and early to head downstairs for supplies. She didn't make it past the living room, though. "What the . . .!" could be heard, and then little running feet and an exclamation, "Santa came!"

Not long after that, she was in our room, asking if she could wake everyone up. Just so you know, it wasn't terribly early; just a little sooner than we had expected. Everyone was roused, situated and then the systematic present-opening began, youngest to oldest of course.

After the boys' late night X-Box adventures, they couldn't keep their eyes open, even for an early Christmas

One of the first things the girls saw were the new hair bows, thanks to our sweet friend Amy Bartlett. We miss you, Amy! I hope Kyle is having tons of fun in boy scouts.

Just not exciting enough

stocking stuffer surprises

Olivia got just what she wanted: a laptop

Rachel wanted a pink guitar

Tyler didn't ask for anything, but she got a Karaoke machine (By the way, yes, that is California Girls on the screen. I already didn't like the song, but now that I have seen all the lyrics, I hate it! She will not be singing that one again)

new Christmas dresses

Rachel's hair bow matches hers

Tyler loves it! It is a little more grown-up style

We were all done opening presents, and just enjoying our morning together when one more present showed up at our house. This was the first time we met Diesel, our new puppy!

Yay for early Christmas!

It was such a fun day. I am so glad I didn't try to do all that Sunday morning--or force them to wait until after church. That would have made for a miserable Christmas morning. We just took the whole day easy, and then got ready for Christmas Eve dinner. My family was coming, those who were able to come, anyway: my mom and dad, Worthy and his family, Kd and her family, Chrislynn and her family, and my Aunt Nancy, who was coming down with Chrislynn's family.

We cleaned up the Christmas mess and gathered all the stockings, so we could put them back up with the other decorations. I was gathering stockings, and I said, "Wait, which one am I missing? Oh, it's mine." So, I walked over to where my stocking was laid out and I noticed something in it that I was pretty sure "Santa" had not left for me. Britt and I had already decided we weren't giving each other gifts, because he got his new snowmobile and I got a camera and an iPad already. But there was a card in my stocking, describing airfare for two to Hawaii January 13. Merry Christmas to me!

Poor Britt! It was probably 2:00 in the afternoon before I even thought about my stocking. It must have been driving him crazy all day, waiting for me to see that.

All in all, it was a good Christmas Eve day. We really enjoyed a simple Christmas. I think the highlight for me was getting to watch the kids open the presents they had gotten for each other. This year we let the kids draw names, and then they decided they wanted to keep it a secret who they were buying for. It was very cute to watch them try to figure out what to buy for the person whose name they drew. I love it when a holiday brings us closer together. Merry Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve Jammies (on Christmas Adam)

2011-12-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

It is a tradition at our house to open the pajamas from Grandma King every year on Christmas Eve. Well, this year we broke tradition a little bit. We let them open the presents on Christmas Adam (the day before Christmas Eve).

Along with the kids' pajamas, every year Grandma sends an ornament for each of the kids. Included with the ornament is a special story about one of the kids' ancestors. These ornaments are treasures because they always represent someone special to us. Here, the kids hang their ornaments before opening their presents:

Rachel was a little bit jealous that Olivia got Peace Pajamas (and she didn't), but Dad helped cheer her up

The girls posed in their jammies

and acted silly

and sillier

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

purple monkeys for Tyler

pink cheetah hearts for Rachel

Peace out, Olivia!

The funny part of the story is after we opened the presents, they didn't want to wear them that night. I had to convince them to put them on for pictures. They were not even on to me, that I had plans to convince Santa to come early that night. I guess they just thought I was being extra nice that night. That made the surprise of the next morning that much sweeter.

"We Wish You A Merry Christmas!"--Caroling at Grandma and Grandpa Lee's

2011-12-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

A certain sister-in-law of mine (I am sorry if this makes you cry, Becky; love you!) always brings her family over to Grandma and Grandpa Lee's around Christmas time to sing Christmas Carols. Well, we like a good tradition around here. It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago, the whole Lee crew (including several of us Bartons) would converge on Grandma and Grandpa Lee's house to gather around the piano and sing carols with Grandma. She didn't even mind that most of us were way off-key, and very few people knew the words. So, I moved in on Becky's tradition and called Grandpa to see if we could come and sing some Christmas songs with them. We all had a lot of fun singing some of our favorite Christmas tunes.

Rachel was excited to sing some of the songs she knows in Navajo

Olivia sang a song about Santa

complete with actions (even though she forgot some of the words)

Grandma sang along and encouraged her

Garrett did a quick internet search with my Droid and then sang "Les Anges Dan Nos Campagnes" which is"Angels We Have Heard on High" in French

Olivia snuggled up to Grandpa

We sang a few songs we all knew

And the boys goofed off--at least they were not beating each other up

It was a fun way to keep the spirit of Christmas close to our hearts. The week preceding Christmas seemed too full of bickering and ornery kids. I am sure they were all just excited about the holiday, and anxious about completing school work for the ending quarter, but it made it hard to enjoy the magic of the season. This evening brought us back to giving and thinking of others. It was a wonderful way to begin our holiday weekend. Next time, Becky, I will have to plan ahead and bring my i-Pad, so we can Skype with your family and you can all sing along.

And ". . . Bring us some figgy pudding, and bring it right now!"

This is the Season Beloved All the Year

2011-12-30T21:57:00.001-07:00

Have you missed me?

Christmas has come and gone. The break is almost over, and it feels like it just started. We had a good visit with family here and then we had another good visit with family up north. It has been a good (too short) Christmas vacation. I thought I would share with you some of my festive Christmas decorations. I literally got them up just a few days before Christmas, and we left the day after Christmas, so they may stay up just a bit longer, because they really do make me happy. And to tell you the truth, otherwise my house really is not decorated (as you can tell by the lack of any hanging pictures). I promise I will post more pictures soon, with actual people in them. I just love my pretty Christmas-y home!

Happy Holidays!

Shhh!

2011-12-23T23:16:00.002-07:00

Shhh! Don't tell my kids!

It looks like Santa came early!

The Elementary School Christmas Sing-Around

2011-12-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I missed the girls' Christmas Program at the elementary school. I was really sad, and a little bit panicked that I could have let that happen. When I woke up, I still felt a little bit guilty about it. But, after we had family prayer, I realized it was happening today, and I could go after all! Britt and I got to the school a little early, but we were surprised to discover that they were hardly any parents there. Then, the lunch room at the school began filling up with kids, kids and more kids, and we kind of realized why. There was just no room for an audience. I guess the students were supposed to be their own audience.

Still, I was happy to be there, even though it meant missing Zumba--sorry, Kd. It was really fun to watch those kids perform. And I even got some of it on video with my new camera. Unfortunately, I have not figured out how to load it onto my computer so that I can post it here. Oh well. Maybe later.

Rachel shines

Tyler is too cool for pictures

Olivia was so happy to see us. Unfortunately, she was in the very back behind a lot of other first graders, so when it was time for her to perform, we could not see her at all.

My nephew, Thomas Perkins

Rachel performing with the Fourth Graders

And this is Rachel performing with the Heritage Performers. She has recently started attending Heritage Language, where she learns Navajo with some of her friends. They sang three different songs today in Navajo. It was really fun to watch. In case you didn't know, Rachel's Grandpa Worthy speaks Navajo. He learned the language many years ago when serving in the Southwest Indian Mission. He still speaks Navajo today, and is famous for his Navajo Children's Song Recordings, which are used often in the local school district.

Okay, I am going to bed. And I don't need any more dreams where I wake up with a sick feeling. Santa is ready to come. I deserve to relax!

Getting into the Spirit of Christmas

2011-12-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

So, every day this past couple weeks, as I have been out and about, the typical question everyone asks is, "Are you ready for Christmas?" In years past, just like the overdue pregnant lady--that was me--hates being asked when she is due, that was kind of a question I dreaded. Was I ready for Christmas? No. When would I be ready? Probably about 2:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve, which I know is technically Christmas morning, but you know what I mean.

Well, this year is different. And I have more pictures to prove it, but for now, the real reason for this post. The last time Britt put up Christmas lights, we had three little kids, and we lived in the house where Brooke and Travis Pehrson live now. Britt spent a great deal of time checking all the lights, replacing bulbs where needed, and drilling screws into the roofline to hold up the lights (this was before we heard about the clippy things that hold holiday lights in place). Then, he strung a simple line of lights along the roofline, stretching over the gable above our porch. When he plugged them in, half the lights over the gable would not light and never did. After all his precise preparations, Britt was done with the Christmas Spirit in regards to those lights. And I couldn't blame him. Basically, we left those lights up for several months, but we didn't turn them on, because of that stupid half-lit gable.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Britt and I were in Wal-Mart, and he said he wanted to get lights for the house. Really? Okay, I said. Then, I saw how much we paid for those lights, and I said, "Um, maybe not." See, I could just see us bringing home all that stuff, and never getting around to putting the lights up. But, Britt planned to get them up Monday afternoon, and even when our first serious winter storm started dumping snow on him and the boys, he kept right at it until he had all those lights arranged perfectly. We owe a special thanks to Garrett's friend, Drew Giddings, who helped more than anyone with Britt's crazy project.

And guess what? The outside of our house looks festive for the first time in several years. It is really fun to be driving home at night, seeing our lovely home all lit up. I am sure we will probably have to invest in even more lights next year--or maybe not. Maybe it will be several years before we attempt this again. Hey, at least all the lights are all lit this time. It really looks awesome!

Apparently, I don't have a picture of the awesome finished product. I will get one on here later.

Oh, and now you know why I haven't been blogging. Santa is not staying up until 2:00 a.m. wrapping presents this Christmas Eve, not when she has a solo to sing in church on Christmas Day! And no, I do not sing solos. But yes, I agreed to do it for some crazy reason. Am I scared to death? Um. Yes.

Traditions--Hunting for the Perfect Christmas Tree

2011-12-10T21:18:00.001-07:00

Every year, our family purchases a tree permit and heads up on the mountain to find our Christmas tree. We have followed this tradition since the first year Britt and I were married, and we went tree hunting with Grandpa Worthy. I just realized I don't think I ever posted last year's tree hunt pictures, so I will have to add those later. On year, several years ago, Garrett announced that part of our tradition has to include going somewhere in the snow to get our tree. Honestly, I think he has kind of gotten over the idea that there has to be snow, but somehow that part of the tradition has stuck, as well. Yes, there have been times we nearly got stuck in the snow. Last year, we actually couldn't find enough snow and it was a bit tricky driving the snowmobiles up the mountain road in search of our tree. The snowmobile part is the newest addition of our tree hunting tradition, thanks to Britt (and Bruce Lyman for loaning us the other sled). I guess he didn't think the year we almost got his truck stuck was very fun. ;)

Cole was happy to drive one of the snowmobiles, even though he had to shuttle a couple of his sisters up the mountain. He is hoping we will buy him his own snowmobile--spoiled kid.

I wished I had the camera with me while I watched this crew coming up the road below me. Britt had brought me up to scout out a tree and then he and Cole went back to where the kids were playing in the snow, and they brought them up to me. Unfortunately, I had left the camera in the bag on Britt's snowmobile, so the image of those kid-loaded snowmobiles coming around the corner on the snow-covered road below me is an image I just get to keep in my head.

There's my snow model, Rachel again

Tyler grins

Garrett's cool

checking out trees up on the hill

Cole rolls down the hill

I guess playing in the snow requires goggles, too

Rachel rolled down the hill, also. No, I did not forget to rotate this picture.

"Wow, that tree is tall!" Olivia says.

Mom thinks it is just right, so Dad starts sawing.

And Tyler uses the cast off bottom branches to make reindeer antlers

Olivia is too cold. She doesn't think she likes our tree hunting tradition

Garrett's just waiting

Some of us posed in front of the cut tree. Isn't it pretty?

And then we set the timer on my camera and got a picture of everyone.

Here is a better shot of the tree, with two pretty girls in front of it.

Do any of you name your Christmas trees? We just heard from someone who has a tradition of naming their Christmas trees in their family. We are considering adding that to one of our family traditions. What do you think? I will admit, I have a hard time naming our family pets, so I don't know if I could come up with an awesome enough name for this gorgeous tree. But maybe. . .

I promise I will post pictures once we have the tree decorated. My poor girls have been anxious to decorate it since we brought it home last night. This morning, Britt and I went to the temple and then decided to keep going to Cortez, to get some Christmas shopping done. The girls are kind of irritated with us for making them wait, but hopefully they will like the new lights and the garland we got for the tree. It's beginning to feel a lot more like Christmas!

In the Lord's Time

2011-12-01T09:03:00.001-07:00

This past year has been an emotional roller coaster ride. Life can be that way sometimes, but this year it was particularly true. This year, there were some breakthrough moments that brought my adoption experience into the forefront of almost all my conscious thought. I will admit I became obsessive about what I did not have, hopes that were crushed. I found myself questioning how the grief I was experiencing could possibly be the Lord's will for me.

Here is a brief history of the year's events:

In March, my husband orchestrated an opportunity for me to once again correspond with my birth daughter's parents and possibly even meet. He had been pursuing it for months with LDS Family Services, and finally contact was made! I spent an agonizing two months writing letters to her family and to her. My girls even made cards. We were all so excited for this new chapter in our lives.

In June (my birth daughter's birth month), my family went to Mexico with some friends. Her 18th birthday was the last day of our trip. We still hadn't heard anything from LDS Family Services. In the middle of the trip, my husband called Logan. He was told the letters never were sent. They didn't have an address and had lost the number they used to contact the family. I was devastated.

I spent months feeling frustrated, powerless. I was angry that I had written those letters, only to have them go nowhere. And my poor husband couldn't help but wonder if it would have all been better if he had just left well enough alone.

I attended the Families Supporting Adoption National Conference in August. At an informal event the night before, I was able to meet other women who have had similar experiences, since their adoptions occurred in the closed adoption era. We shared our testimonies of adoption and how our choice has blessed us. We also expressed our frustrations about ways we have been mistreated. We were all talking a mile a minute; it is so nice to be able to discuss the emotions of being a birthmother with others who know. That was a cathartic experience.

That same month, as I was posting about my experiences at the conference, I came to the conclusion that I needed to let go. The power to make something happen with LDS Family Services and the family was out of my hands. I felt like it was an unhealthy obsession, and I needed to find a way to move past it.

But that was easier said than done.

In October, I wrote this post. Shortly after that, I received an email from someone who used to go to high school with me. He had been reading my blog and decided to try an internet search with some of the information I had posted. He thought he may have found something. Did I want to see it?

Um, okay. Did I dare hope?

And then I followed the links he provided. And then I did a few internet searches of my own. There they were! It was a miracle! In my excitement, I tried to contact one of the parents on the internet. I asked them to request the letters waiting for them at LDS Family Services in Logan. I hoped they would respond, but they didn't. I called LDS Family Services with the information I had found and asked them to please call and let the family know my letters were waiting there.

Nothing happened. Weeks passed.

I sank into a deep depression. Talk about unhealthy. Those who were closest to me encouraged me to try to be optimistic. To give them, the family and LDS Family Services the benefit of the doubt. But I will admit to you, I really didn't. I was angry, even a little bitter, altogether unhappy. Why didn't they care about me? was a question I asked over and over. I now know that attitude was wrong.

I know I should have relied on the Lord more during that time of grief. I should have been more patient. I should have held on to hope. I already knew He loved me. My life has been blessed in countless ways. If I could have just stepped away from that time of railing against the world, crying about the unfairness of it all, I could have found the peace I sought.

In the October session of General Conference this year, Elder Robert D. Hales gave a talk entitled "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done." It is worth reviewing, if you haven't read it yet. A couple gems from the talk:

Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows us, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, "all these things shall [be for our] experience, and [our] good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine. Let us therefore be kinder to one another and kinder toward ourselves. Let us remember that as we wait upon the Lord, we are becoming "saint[s] through [His] atonement, . . . submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

So, I didn't like the way I was feeling. I was not submissive, meek, humble--any of that. I was frustrated. I was hurt and angry. I didn't like being like that. I decided it really was time to let it go. I called the agency and asked her to send my letters back to me. It was time to close that door.

A few days later, I received a phone call. Actually, my phone received the call. I didn't answer in time, and it went to my voice mail. It was Sandy at LDS Family Services. She had just gotten off the phone with my birth daughter's mother. They wanted to send me pictures. Sandy had given her my email address as well. It was good news! I was in the middle of cub scouts when I listened to the voice mail. It was one of those moments you just need to stop and break down and cry (that was what I had done when I received the email from my friend. It was such a miracle!), but obviously I couldn't in the middle of cub scouts.

I went home and immediately made contact with the parents. We began corresponding on the computer, sending messages at least once a day. They were excited to know me! It was exactly the opposite of what I had been fearing. They had no idea that LDS Family Services didn't have their contact information. Why wouldn't they? The family had never moved! They also had not known that I had written to them. When they had first heard from Sandy, she gave them the impression I was requesting an update. They were in the middle of trying to get their daughter graduated from high school, besides working and writing full time, so they were overwhelmed at trying to put something together for me.

Basically, there were a few misunderstandings, but nothing malicious or neglectful. Their family has thinking of me often this past year, without even being aware of the turmoil I was going through. As I said before, it is unfortunate that I misinterpreted the circumstances. Remember those beautiful letters I posted written by those good people? Oh, what an amazing blessing it is to be able to resume that friendship! What a gift!

Recently, I have been able to communicate with my beautiful birth daughter, as well. She initiated contact. It was one of the best days of my life, to be sought out by her! Some of you may know I was anxious to know whether or not she had ever received the Book of Mormon I sent through the agency, with my testimony in it. Well, her parents gave it to her fairly recently and she has loved reading it, along with the letters I wrote years ago, as well as the ones I just sent. We are having so much fun getting to know each other, finding similarities, sharing a lifetime of love.

And yes, we are going to meet!

You know it has been hard for me not to say anything to you here, but I kind of wanted to lead up to it, you know. That Grand Finale I was talking about. These past few weeks have been such an amazing gift. My Heavenly Father does know me, just as Elder Hales said. He knows each of us. Blessings come, understanding comes, as we wait on the Lord.

Thank you, again, for all who offered prayers in my behalf. They have been heard. They are felt!

For Health and Strength and Daily Food, We Praise Thy Name, Oh Lord!

2011-11-30T21:53:00.001-07:00

How was your Thanksgiving?

(In case you didn't know, this post is somewhat ironic. My family had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I was in bed sick--yes, at my mother-in-law's--pretty much the whole time. I am so grateful for wonderful family willing to take care of my family while I was down and out. It was a good holiday.)

The Big Finale

2011-11-30T21:30:00.001-07:00

It is the last day of National Adoption Month. I have been saving this last big post with my last big surprise for this final day of the month. Except I am waiting on one thing. I am sorry, you are just going to have to wait for the big finale, after all.

It's going to be a good one. When I get it together. Thank you for your patience.

A Blessed Life

2011-11-29T21:45:00.001-07:00

How the Heck am I supposed to cover 17 years of my life in one little post? I have to tell you, I am feeling a little overwhelmed here. I want you to know, I have run into several of you around town, some have left comments, others left messages telling me you love my story and look forward to my posts. Well, I appreciate it, but Dang! I am just winging it here. I kind of feel like I owe you all something profound now. So, forgive me if this isn't it.

We have covered how much I felt guided and comforted in my decision. We have covered the love and support I was given by people around me and angels in heaven. We have covered the pain, the sadness, the loss. It is about time for some joy now, right?

I wrote a post a while back--at the moment I am too lazy to link to it; maybe I will later--where I discussed how I think life meanders around the things even the Lord has planned for us. Sometimes, things don't work out exactly according to His design. I could be wrong in that presumption, but it is a theory, anyway. That's why I don't always buy into that whole "Maybe it was not meant to be" saying that people throw out there all the time by way of trying to say something comforting when things don't work out as we had hoped. This is my theory: even when things don't go as planned, the Lord will compensate us for our losses, as we are faithful in following Him.

This has been my life.

My first son was a treasure! He was the joy I sought so desperately. He was not a replacement for the first baby I had; but he was mine. His birth was such a beautiful miracle. And watching his father tear up when he called his own father to tell him that his baby had been born is an image I will always hold dear. I will admit I was a selfish mother. I had a husband who was willing to help, to change diapers, to hold the baby, to get up with the baby. But I wouldn't let him. I wanted to hold my baby all the time--he didn't even want to be held all the time; I just couldn't let him go.

Four more precious babies came after that first. Every two years they came. There were moments these babies did not feel like such a blessing, so close together, demanding in their own ways. But I wouldn't change it for anything. They have been a blessing. I learn so much from each of my sweet children every day. What a blessing it has been as well, to be able to be in the home with them, to teach them, to learn about their personalities and their individual needs. It has been such a gift.

To be healthy. To be able to go anywhere and do anything with my family. We have had some wonderful experiences together. I cherish everything.

I have been able to share my story. What wasn't true at first has turned into an opportunity to bless and support adoptive families in our community. I have been able to work with some expectant young mothers, in our community and in other places. I have offered my support and my knowledge to them. I have presented adoption--and my story in particular--in church meetings and at schools. And I have written about it here, as well as on other social networking sites. I have also been able to connect more recently with women like myself who have had similar experiences with adoption, and that has been a tremendous blessing for me.

When I have said I don't consider myself a tragic figure, I mean it. I know my life has been blessed. And I know many of those blessings I could not have fully appreciated without experiencing the pain and heartache of my loss. I didn't get to continue to communicate with my birth daughter's family over the years, as I had supposed I would be able to. But I never let myself become bitter about that. I held onto a hope that one day we would know each other again. I prayed that that one day would not be forever away, but I knew it might be. That was hard.

But I remembered always that my Heavenly Father knew and loved me. Even if circumstances prevented it or weak human beings (I have been one of them) who said "Not now, Lord. I will. I'm just not ready yet" to those little nudges he sent, may have slowed it down. I believed somehow, some way the Lord would compensate me still. I admit to you, though, hoping in the dark is hard. And there were times life felt really dark.

An Adoption Love Story

2011-11-28T20:50:00.001-07:00

We have all heard the saying that goes something along the lines that sometimes our timing and the Lord's timing are not the same. Something like that, anyway.

Well, my true love came into my life several months later than what I would have wished for and at exactly the right time for me when he did. We had crossed paths previously, but those brief encounters were somewhat insignificant until we revisited them as each other's fiancee. Britt would say they were not insignificant, but maybe I will let him share his perspective another time.

I have been sick this past week; I slept through most of my Thanksgiving Holiday, while we were visiting Britt's mom in St. George, and it had nothing to do with the turkey! I finally saw a doctor on Saturday, and got the diagnosis that I had Strep Throat, got a shot, and since then I have still been doing a lot of sleeping. I'm not entirely coherent, so I think I am going to let my journal pages tell some of that story for me:

June 26, 1994 (9:30 a.m.)

. . . . Britt Barton asked me out!!! So, I actually will get to go on one date in all the ten months I've been here. He invited me to the Bar-D in Durango. It's going to be a blast! I've never been there before and it'll be so much fun with Britt.

. . . {stuff about Tami Harris, his missionary girlfriend, blah, blah, blah} . . .

But this will be fun. Britt is my friend. Here in Blanding I've only been able to find a few really good friends and they are at least 15 to 20 years older than me. It's hard to hang out with people with jobs and families.

July 3, 1994 (9:30 a.m.)

Two actual dates in one week! Can you believe it? After all the time I've spent in Blanding. And they were real dates with real people.

Darren Day just got home from his mission and he called me up. All his other girlfriends have apparently already gotten married. He and I went out on Wednesday. We were going to go to Institute, but no one was there.

. . . {stuff about Darren Day, blah, blah, blah} . . .

Chrislynn [my sister] was in the Miss San Juan Pageant in Monticello last Saturday. When I was there with her on Friday for a practice, I saw Britt Barton and he asked me out. (Chrislynn won second attendant, by the way)

He invited me to go to the Bar D Chuckwagon near Purgatory with him, this past Saturday. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go, because I thought the Fourth celebration was then, and I'm scheduled to work 7-10 on the day of the celebration.

Turns out, the 4th is on the 4th. That makes sense, don't you think? So when Britt came to pick me up at 4:00, I was ready to go.

And when he dropped me off at 1:00 a.m., I was ready to go again. I had a great time. We made it just in time for the show. Our table was way in back, but it was perfect because we weren't too crowded, and we got to eat soon enough. It was fun!

The food was good. The show was entertaining and the company was great. I felt so comfortable with Britt. When he told me he really likes my hair [I had just recently dyed it dark red and cut it short], I was flattered without feeling stupid. He treats me with respect--i'd almost forgotten what that was like. I could talk without feeling like my ideas were going to be shot down. And he included me in his conversations with other people there. . . .

It was really nice. And I can now contrast what a really good experience is compared to the crap I've been putting up with lately.

Britt said I should get out more, but I'm already resigned to the fact that it's just not happening in Blanding. I'll be moving soon enough.

But he wants to go out with me again, before he moves to Phoenix later this week.

July 5, 1994 (10:20 p.m.)

Oh wow. . .! He kissed me.

. . . .[He] picked me up at 10:30--I finished work at 10:15. We roasted S'mores--well, marshmallows and made S'mores--out at Recapture. Sat and then laid under the stars just enjoying each other's company. . . . And then he kissed me. We got back a little after 3:00 a.m.--I know.

Anyway, he's decided not to move to Phoenix this week.

July 12, 1994 (8:15 a.m.)

Do you know, we went for a walk Sunday night. . . . Britt asked what I thought was unique about us. I just started babbling. But he said the one major thing that stands out to him is that often when he's with me, he can feel the Spirit.

What a compliment! Wow, do I feel a little undeserving. . . .

July24, 1994 (9:30 a.m.)

Guess what surprise I got for my birthday? I'm engaged!! Aaagh!! You should see the rock on my finger. It's so beautiful. I had such a good birthday. Britt told me he wanted to make this my best birthday so far. . . .

I'm engaged! I'm getting married! It really is starting to set in now. This still feels a little unreal. I thought this would never happen for me. I've got someone to spend my forever with. Somebody up there really loves me, because I still can't decide whether I deserve this.

Heavenly Father knew I needed this joy. He knew we needed each other. Britt knew my whole story before he even asked me out. It was one of the things about me that drew him to me. Look how young we look then!

And He had so many more blessings in store for me.

Remember what I recently said about this stuff not being easy? No, not easy, but definitely worth it!

Heroes and Heroines

2011-11-27T22:15:00.001-07:00

I have been working on a post. I had most of it typed tonight, while we watched a movie as a family. Then, the movie ended and I decided to resume the post on my computer in my room (I had been working on a draft on my iPad, which is always a little annoying, because it reformats the post and leaves out all the line spaces, so it looks like I typed one big paragraph). But as the movie was ending, I came to a slightly different theme for my blog post, so let's see if we cannot get the two posts somehow meshed into one.

The movie we were watching was The Return of the King--the third installment in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Good movie, by the way. What was I thinking, supposing I could compose a blog post--and follow the Steelers game, and pop on Facebook occasionally--while watching the movie?! It is a movie that needs to be viewed, not just listened to, so I am afraid my original blog post would have been sorely lacking anyway. And the Steelers game wasn't too much of a distraction. I was just viewing web updates on NFL.com. I guess after being out of commission the last several days (with Strep throat, I just got the diagnosis yesterday), I feel the need to make up for lost time, by multi-tasking.

Back to my point (hmm, maybe tonight is not the best time for me to be blogging; I seem to still be a little out of it). Anyway, I decided I needed to move away from my original post which was a little preachy and kind of melancholy. Watching the movie inspired a different sort of theme.

It was right at the end, the scene where Frodo and his friends head out to see Frodo's uncle Bilbo Baggins off as he leaves Middle Earth on a ship with the elves. And suddenly Frodo's friends realize Frodo is leaving too, and he smiles at them, and even though they are sad to let him go, they see that it is the best thing for him. The book covers that part of the story in so much greater depth, I was trying to explain to my kids why it was so important for Frodo to leave then.

I remember reading Frodo's story, experiencing vicariously all the trials he went through. I remember when he came home to the Shire, it was not the same place to him. In the books, it literally is not the same place they left, and they still have a lot of work to do to bring it back to that point. But that is not the story shown in the movie. Still, in both, there comes a point where all is happy and peaceful again, but Frodo feels out of sorts. He has gone through so much, he cannot celebrate life the same way his dear hobbit friends do. And they haven't been without trials of their own, but it is such an ultimately different experience, no one can possibly relate. And when all is said and done, he needs to find a new home to find the peace in his soul which he seeks.

I am not a hobbit. I did not journey to Mordor to destroy the One Ring.

But I did have a unique experience that set me apart from many. I was the heroine in my own story.

In the Inkheart series by Cornelia Funke, the author discusses the concept that a writer always creates characters who are forced to go through extraordinary circumstances, usually ultimately triumphing in their own unique ways. It is the mark of a good book to show an interesting, though apparently normal individual conquering incredible odds. Think of Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, or Kendra and Seth in the Fablehaven books.

I was like Frodo in that when I returned home, I knew I was different. I knew my experience had changed me, for the better I believed. But as I said before, it made it hard for me to find my place. As time has passed--yes, 18+ years have passed--I have come to accept more how different I am. Not everyone can understand where I am coming from, nor are they meant to. But I am grateful for those who have made the journey with me and who value the person that I am.

The end of the month is quickly approaching. I had many things I wanted to cover in telling this story, but as we have moved along, I have felt inspired to spend more time on certain parts of my story, and the need to avoid too much detail in other parts. I do not mean to skip over or not recognize the difficult times. They were very real, but I do not wish to dwell on them now. There is so much more to tell. . . .

As I have read others' stories, I have seen a common theme. Whatever their reasoning for choosing an adoption plan, and whether they celebrated their choice or ultimately regretted it, many felt guided in the process, as I had been. And many, many felt disappointed and broken once their rights were ultimately revoked. There is an unimaginable grief that comes to all who take on the title of birthmother. We know it will be hard, but so few of us can fully comprehend the agony we will experience in choosing not to parent that child born to us.

I tell you this not to give you the impression that I regret the choice that I made, or to say that I wish I could have avoided the pain I suffered then. In many ways now, I believe that pain was mostly unavoidable. I do wish I had found healthier ways to cope with the pain; but I learned from those experiences as well, so that, again, I do not regret.

I now believe that anyone considering an adoption plan, whether an expectant parent (or parents), or hopeful adoptive couple, needs to understand the excruciating pain that is living after loss. There is not necessarily a remedy. But while the reassuring calm that accompanies those seeking to do the right thing by their unborn child is a gift, it can also be an extenuating factor in making the devastation of their loss later that much greater. They need to be aware the pain they will feel will be very real. But it can be softened, if they continue to pray and seek the comfort that they need. And hopeful adoptive couples who choose to be receptive to considering the benefits of welcoming an open adoption plan can make a huge difference in alleviating the pain of suffering birth parents.

Mine was not open. That was not an option then. But even though it was closed, I had a beautiful relationship with my birth daughter's parents, through letters we exchanged via LDS Family Services. The family's letters were a balm to my aching heart. I was grateful for the love they expressed to me. I was sad that our relationship could not be more open, especially as I witnessed others who were able to communicate openly and often, not limited as I was by agency policies.

Maybe it was not meant to be open. Some things we simply cannot know until we can see the whole story, and that may not be until years, decades from now. There is always so much to learn. Even if things were not exactly how I might have wanted, that doesn't mean it wasn't right for me--and for her--at that time.

I don't mean to be preachy. I have had an amazing month, reading awesome adoption-related posts all over the internet. Most that I have seen have been beautiful, inspiring, instructional. I am so grateful for the joy that is adoption, for the blessings that come to those touched by adoption. I hope those of you who have been following my story have recognized some of the ways I have been blessed. I hope you have opened your hearts and minds to accept your family member who is currently affected by adoption, whether as a new adoptive parent or as a birth parent. We need to strengthen and support each other and show others that adoption can be a wonderful thing!

There is still a stigma associated with adoption. It affects families who adopt. It affects families who place. Many people simply do not understand adoption. Even people who have been affected by adoption may only see adoption through their limited experience and believe that choosing an adoption plan indicates that you are a terrible, selfish person. I did not think I was being selfish, so it was difficult for me to accept that other people would see me that way. As much as I suffered, I also thought it was ridiculous that people thought I had taken the easy way out. That choice has affected my life for years. It still does. I also think it is ridiculous when people think those who have created their families through adoption followed the easy route. I don't think there is anything easy about adoption.

But like I said, when I began this post, we are the heroes and heroines in our own stories. When Britt and I met, we were drawn to each other. He had experienced his own trials in life. He was interested in my experiences and especially how the Spirit had blessed my life. We are not the typical characters who only get mentioned in a couple paragraphs and later forgotten. We have fought victoriously in epic battles, separately and together. We are not living a fairytale. It is an epic love story, and it just keeps getting better and better. . .

(I have pictures and more about that, but I am going to try to get that in another post tomorrow)

Coping?

2011-11-25T21:35:00.001-07:00

If you didn't understand my analogy in the previous post, I was referring to how I had been strengthened and supported by the Holy Spirit during my pregnancy and at the time of placement. I was buoyed up by the prayers offered in my behalf by so many. Angels were lifting me, watching out for me.But afterward? I felt suddenly abandoned.

Is this what happens to those who mourn, when time has passed and we forget to pray for them, we neglect to visit them in their time of need? I don't know. Maybe that is part of it.

Maybe the blessings of the Atonement were still available to me then, blessings of which I had partaken during the repentance process and while I was preparing for the birth and subsequent placement of my baby girl. Maybe I ceased to utilize those blessings as I should have. Maybe, in my sorrow, I neglected to seek the Spirit in my life.

I cannot explain why it was such a change from the joyous peace I had felt previously, but it was. Although I knew my choice was correct, I still suffered. Maybe this could not be avoided. It was a painful decision, and I needed to fully experience the consequences of that decision for it to have true value.

One thing that was expecially difficult during that time is that I felt the need to express my story, my testimony of adoption. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me and that He knew me. Even though I had kept it a secret in the past, I wanted to share how the experience had blessed my life. I was discouraged by church leaders from doing this. I also shared with people who had been my young women leaders, but the reception was not what I had hoped for.

There was an instance in which I was able to share my experience with a young woman who was pregnant. She even humored me enough to go to an LDS Social Services office in Price with me. Ultimately, she chose to parent. But I was grateful she and her family had been willing to hear me out. They may never know how much that helped me with my healing. Thank you, Valerie.

Recently, I have made the acquaintance of some other birthmoms from that closed adoption era. We have discussed some of the ways we "coped" with the pain. One woman went nun-like in the years immediately following her birth son's adoption. One self-mutilated. Two of us were the opposite of nun-like. It was a different form of self-mutilation.

I am just glad I survived that period of time in my life. In many ways, I am lucky I did. I went through a string of unhealthy non-relationships. I tried to find my way back to living the Gospel more faithfully, but it seemed like I failed over and over again.

I lived for the moments when I received an update letter from the family. Those updates kept me sane. I loved hearing how happy they were, even hearing about their struggles with finding the best formula for her. Everything I received from them was the ultimate gift. In hindsight, I can see I was too obsessive about that, but at the same time I don't know how I could have been any other way.My birth daughter's family took care of me. They wrote amazing letters. They continued to write, even after they were encouraged to cut back on communication.

I also now believe that I need to do my part to encourage all adoptive parents who can to keep an open line of communication with their children's birthparents, to send updates as often as they can, even if they very rarely hear back. Those communications were my lifeline. I am so grateful for their willingness to write to me when I requested to be able to share letters.

Although I was a mess for several months, I knew it was time I seek the Spirit once again in my life. In the time leading to my birth daughter's birthday, I decided to dedicate the month in her honor. Once again, I resolved to take care of myself more, to remove myself from unhealthy situations, to make better choices, to be nun-like.And that was when I met my future husband.

After

2011-11-23T20:43:00.001-07:00

The time immediately after placement was one of the most difficult periods in my life experience.

I was lonely. I was hurting, aching from my self-imposed loss. I was adrift. When I was pregnant, I had a plan: do everything I could to take care of myself and the baby. Once she was out of the equation, I was completely lost.

Physically, I healed rapidly. But emotionally and socially, I had a long way to go. I couldn't find my place. I continued to fail miserably at finding a job. As far as establishing relationships, I was entirely out of sorts. I was in between. It was difficult for me to associate with my peers, because I felt like I was on such a different level, regarding a maturity they were lacking. I don't mean to sound so uppity. I didn't think I was better than them. They just could not relate to where I was in my life experience. Okay, maybe there were times I didn't try hard enough. I struggled to enjoy the wholesome recreational activities they pursued. Their pursuits just seemed too simple and frivolous.

I did not do frivolous.

But my other friends were married with children. And I didn't really fit in that world, either. I knew I needed to move forward with my life. It was beyond me to figure out how to do that, though.

My brother and Kim got married. I spent some time in my hometown when they had the reception. I reconnected with some old friends. Then I went back to Logan. My roommates helped me celebrate my twentieth birthday. I wished I could have been more enthusiastic. I was grateful.

So, one day I was playing the thousandth game of Boggle, playing against myself, alone even though surrounded by roommates--they had been Kim's roommates before she married Worthy. The next I was completely packed up and on my way home with my family.

I was foundering. They wanted to help. To this day I still question if that was the correct choice for me. But I was in such a dark place, I let the decision be made for me.

I cannot fully explain to you how incredibly difficult that time was for me. And I was not just affected socially and emotionally. My fragile newfound spirituality suffered as well. If I could present an image to you, it would be this: Picture a person being lifted and carried in a mosh pit at a concert, held up high, cushioned and supported. Then suddenly, the song ends and the crowd forgets they are holding that person up. Immediately, she drops to the ground, bruised and broken.

I had never, NEVER felt so alone in my life.

The concert ended and the crowd just walked away.

The first letter I wrote to my birthdaughter

2011-11-22T09:30:00.001-07:00

I think it is time we revisited this post. If you haven't already, I would recommend reading any of the posts with the label: being a birthmother or adoption. I love adoption. I love the multiple ways my life has been blessed by adoption.

But I have to warn you, some of the upcoming posts about my experience are not going to be as uplifting and joyous as the stuff I have posted recently. I am keeping it real here. And you have to know as wonderful as adoption is, it is hard, and it is painful, and as another blogger recently said, it is almost always about loss. You cannot get around that; you cannot deny that loss. Just try not to be too sad for me. I survived. There is joy, inexplicable joy that you cannot know without first passing through great sorrow.

Meeting "the Family" Face to Face

2011-11-21T22:30:00.001-07:00

This will be my last post in this series straight from my journal. It tells a little bit about the day I met my birth daughter's family. We were the first "Face-to-Face" meeting at the Logan LDS Social Services. In the past, birth mothers and couples were not allowed to meet. We were the first to be able to meet in person.

We were told to use fake names, and to be careful not to give any identifying information. We were not allowed to meet until after I had signed the relinquishment papers. It also had to be a work day, so we could meet at the office there in Logan. That meant I had been apart from my birth daughter for over a day--she had gone home with my counselor, Steve Francom and his family. Later, he told me I could have called them and come over to spend more time with her there. How could I have known that?! I honestly wished he never would have said that to me. It just made me feel lousy about missing out on one more day with her.

We met at the LDS Family Services office in Logan on Monday, June 14. Her parents and their son had just arrived in Logan. I waited in my counselor's office, where I was prepped for a moment by my counselor before they came in. They were introduced to me. We visited briefly. I did not grill them. I did not have several questions prepared. I was at peace with my decision. Meeting them confirmed it. Unfortunately, that also meant I didn't really know what to say, and our visit did not last very long. All along, in the back of my mind, I was thinking they were probably anxious to meet their new baby girl.

From my diary:

Sunday, June 20, 1993 (8:15 p.m.)

The family headed home at about 1:00 Sunday. Kim and Worthy had some errands to run, so they left me for a few hours. That was hard. They thought I needed to be alone, but all I could do was think and sleep and cry a lot.

Monday morning, I went in and met the family. They were wonderful people. I knew they would be. The mother was emotional. I was emotional. The father talked a lot. Their boy fidgeted with his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

I asked one thing: that they would read L.M. Montgomery to her. Anne of Green Gables at least and more if she enjoyed it. I was raised on L.M. Montgomery. Us girls used to sit around our mother on her waterbed as she read Anne of Green Gables, of Avonlea, and of the Island to us. I often read ahead, but I still enjoyed listening to my mother read it.

They gave me a gift. It's a beautiful heart-shaped locket.

My brief time as a mother and signing papers

2011-11-21T13:08:00.001-07:00

When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was "I would be a terrible mother." My time in the hospital with my birth daughter proved otherwise. I loved her dearly, and I realized if I had chosen that path, I could have parented her. Spending that precious time with her also reaffirmed to me that she was meant to be with the family I had chosen for her. My time with her was a miraculous gift. Saying goodbye to her was incredibly hard, but I was buoyed up by a strength given to me through the prayers of several people, including my own.

More from my journal:

Tuesday, June 15, 1993 (10:00 p.m.)

Feeding Cozette Sunday morning was the most special experience. She kept looking up at me with those wide, trusting eyes. I would feed her some of the bottle and she would spit it up. She had the hardest time burping. She would strain her back with that strong neck of hers and look at me like, "I really am trying, but nothing's working."

She didn't cry. She just wouldn't cry. I guess she knew we'd take care of everything, because even though sometimes her face scrunched up with an expression of displeasure, she rarely chose to vocalize her complaint.

I fed her most of the bottle. She would spit it up and I'd be wiping off her face and she'd open her mouth for more. She was so beautiful, so trusting.

Over two hours later the feeding was over and I sent her back with the nurse. I rested a short while. Then I took a bath and a shower. Dr. Isaacson visited me, asked how I was holding up. I put on my make-up. My parents came at 8:30 to help me through signing the papers.

Saturday, June 19, 1993 (10:05 p.m.)

Signing the papers was not too difficult, because I knew it was the right thing. Steve Francom commented on the fact that I was crying as we went through them and I signed. I said, "You didn't think I would." He responded that sometimes girls just try to be tough and hold it in.

There was a wonderful calm, a peace within me after I signed the form that turned Cozette over to LDS Social Services. I knew everything I have done for Cozette has been right. She's now with the family she belongs to.

The rest of [my] family came at 10:30, after church. We spent our last moments with Cozette. We fed her again. We dressed her in the beautiful dress that Mom made for her (the pattern and material I bought, remember?) We took lots of pictures. Everybody held her. We posed with her and [my] family.

I got dressed. We packed everything up. Everyone said their goodbyes. We changed Cozette out of the dress. The nurse came and they took Cozette back to the nursery and helped me walk out without her.

A Birth Story--Part Four

2011-11-21T11:17:00.001-07:00

Yes, there is more to the birth story. I hope you don't mind. Once again, straight from my journal:

Monday, June 14, 1993 (11:30 p.m.)What a precious person I brought into this world! What a divine, peaceful spirit radiated from her beautiful little body.Saturday, she was even more beautiful than she had been the night before. Not much of a conehead, and her face was less puffy and splotchy.

A girl came in and explained the photography package to me. Then she took Cozette out and took her picture. She said Cozette was the best baby she'd done all morning. I'll be waiting breathlessly for those pictures to arrive in a week or so. I'm so afraid that i'll forget her face, her little mannerisms. I really need those pictures to sustain me.

The photographer girl told me she had a lot of respect for me and what a strong person she thought I was. She also told me she thought I looked really pretty.

All the nurses and staff at the hospital were wonderful to me. Kathy works in the Women's Center, so she made sure I got a nice room and good nurses. My stay at the hospital was a really good experience. I could have gone home Saturday afternoon probably, but I wanted to spend more time in the hospital with Cozette.

She's so precious! I know I'm being repititious, but that really is the best description for her. She was such a sweetheart to me. She was very quiet and trusting. Even when my mother tried to get her to cry by thumping her feet, she only responded with a look of confused discomfort.

So patient and trusting. She just waited meekly for you to fulfill her needs. Even when she cried, she did it only for a moment and then let you remedy the situation. And those all-knowing eyes that seemed to see so much beyond our earthly comprehension.

She's straight from our Heavenly Father. I believe she knew she was only visiting me for that short time and soon she would go on to her family.

We spent all day Saturday with her. I got a lot of rest that night--even though I ran a fever, I guess. I was able to feed Cozette at 4:30 Sunday morning. I need to keep bragging, but I've got to get some rest. . .

Another test post (sorry)

2011-11-21T10:34:00.001-07:00

This is a picture I took with my iPad. I think the quality will be better when I take the iPad out of the case. The case creates a bit of a shadow around the lens. I am just trying to figure out if I can get this to post from my iPad, including the words and pictures together this time. Here we go!

--
Nan

Make it a great day!

Test post

2011-11-20T20:23:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to see if I could post from my i-pad. Unfortunately, even though I can load pictures from my new camera onto my i-pad, I cannot seem to add them to a blog post. We will see if I can even get this post without pictures to work. I would be sad if I couldn't blog with my new toys.

A Birth Story--Part Three

2011-11-20T20:05:00.001-07:00

I am breaking my rule today to add another post and show off my early Christmas present.

More from my journal:

June 13, 1993 (9:15 p.m.)

They wheeled me into my room in the women's center, on my tummy--that was really weird. I'm still adjusting to the fact that I can actually lay on my stomach. The nurse there checked me and massaged the uterus down a little--my favorite thing next to cervical exams (sarcasm).

A little while later Kim was able to go to the nursery and pick up Cozette--that's what we called her. She was kind of a conehead then and really puffy and splotchy, but a beautiful baby.She was so peaceful. We got to feed her and burp her. She took to the bottle right off and she was so sweet about eating and trying to burp.

She's a very mellow baby. Wide-eyed, checking everyone and everything around her out.Long legs, long toes. She almost seemed to prefer not being bundled up, so she could spread out her legs. It's no wonder I was getting kicked in the ribs so much. She likes to stretch. But it is unusual for a little newborn to not want to be wrapped tight.

Beautiful long fingers--artistic piano player fingers. She could be a hand model. Actually, as beautiful as she's going to be--and tall, at least compared to me--she could be a professional model. Such pretty, defined lips; they look better on her than they did on her father. She's got my hair and my nose.

The nurse came in to check on her. She was really cold and her heart rate was a little low, so they had to keep her in a warming unit and on a monitor.

I guess I kind of needed to rest then, anyway. Kathy went home and said she'd be back to visit the next day. Kim suggested she go home to do a few things and let me rest. I asked her to stay. We both napped and waited.

Worthy got off work early, like at 10:15 p.m., but he had a rough time trying to figure out how to get into the hospital after hours. He came in at about 11:15 starving, so he and Kim left to get something to eat.

Kim had called my family from the hospital, and they were on their way at 3:00 (but it turned out to be later than that). I waited for them to come. Dr. Isaacson stopped in to see how I was doing. He is a really nice man. Kim is excited to have him as her doctor.

About 12:15, there's a knock on my door and in comes Kd and Chrislynn and Mom and Dad. Tim and Drew stayed home in Blanding. A little bit later, Kim and Worthy were back with their food.

We all went into the nursery to look at Cozette. The nurse said it would be alright if we took her back to the room and spent more time with her and then brought her back.

Kd cried a lot, holding her. Cozette just looked up at her with her wide blue eyes. "She thinks you're silly," I told Kd.

Cozette was very sweet and mild. She just stared up at all these strange people checking her out. Admiring those long fingers and long toes and kicking feet, arguing over whether her sneeze was a Glover sneeze or an Asay sneeze. She didn't get the Asay ears, my mother noted.

Sent from my iPad

(I am going to have to figure that out still; it didn't work right the first time, so I had to send it to a different email and then cut and paste to make this post. Any advice would be appreciated, Tim)

A Birth Story--Part Two

2011-11-19T08:11:00.001-07:00

Continuing from my journal:

(June 13, 1993)

Shannon and Rodney dropped in for a visit. Kathy's husband Dan came with her brother Steve and the three men administered a blessing that all would go smoothly and quickly. Then they left and we waited.

I was worried that the epidural had caused my contractions to ease up and that might be slowing my progress. As we visited, talking about the stages of labor, I told Kathy I felt right then I could relate to the urge to push.

Kathy called the nurse back in. The nurse checked me and announced that I was "completed." Completely effaced? Yes, and dilated to 10 centimeters. We were on our way to the delivery room.

Guess we got there about 5:00. Put my legs up in the stirrups, pulled off the bottom of the bed, and hooked me back up to the monitors. They brought the mirror around, so I could see. The baby's head was crowned.

The nurse started to have me push. She called Dr. Isaacson up, and also the anesthesiologist to inject more into the catheter in my back to be sure the epidural would still serve its purpose.

Some say the epidural keeps you from feeling contractions or the urge to push. I still felt the contraction and I felt the pressure where I pushed. I'm grateful I had the epidural, though, because I didn't have to tell the rest of my body to relax while I tried to concentrate on that one area. All my mental efforts were focused right there where I was pushing.

The epidural catheter had apparently slipped, because as the anesthesiologist inserted more medication, I became dizzy and heard a lot of buzzing. He tried to remedy this--it meant the catheter was going into a blood vessel--but after he injected more, I was really tripping out.

The handles I was holding onto felt like they were sideways even though I knew they were upright.
They also felt like they were changing sizes in my hands, though I knew they weren't.

I felt really goofy, but I was able to still concentrate on pushing when the next contraction came. They put an oxygen mask on my face and I gulped it in. That really helped and then Dr. Isaacson came.

After a few more times of pushing (was it even six contractions total?) Dr. Isaacson told me to open my eyes and look. There came her head--and a hand, silly little girl. He brought her out and they put her on my tummy and cut the cord. Then they bathed her and let me hold her.

Wow! It all happened so fast. I already told you, but I'll say it again. She was born at 5:36 p.m., weighed 7 lbs., 4 ozs, and measured 21 1/4 inches.

The most precious, beautiful little girl. Kim, who was able to watch the whole process from behind the doctor, while Kathy coached me through pushing, got to take the baby down to the nursery.

The doctor delivered the afterbirth and stitched me up....

There is more to come. I'm "typing" this on my phone, so if there happen to be random words in this post that don't make any sense, it is Autocorrect's fault. :)

A Birth Story--Part One

2011-11-18T10:41:00.001-07:00

Straight from my journal:

Saturday, June 12, 1993 (10:50 p.m.)

I had a baby. Hard to believe, isn't it? That precious little person is no longer inside me. She's out here, smiling at the world. Well, not really smiling, but she's the most peaceful baby I've ever met. You can tell she just came from Heavenly Father's arms and she knows she is just briefly visiting me before she comes home.

Seven pounds, four ounces, 21 1/4 inches, 4 1/2 hours at the hospital, born 5:36 p.m. on June 11. She was very kind to me, although having the epidural didn't hurt, either--well, actually it did, but once it was done, everything was great.

It was amazing. Thursday night I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and screamed at the clock for four hours while I suffered in frustrating pain. And at 6:00 a.m. I complained to myself that they were getting stronger and closer. Then I realized, "This is good pain"--contractions.

About 9:30 I woke up Kim and told her. I said she could still go to work at 11:30. I'd have Kathy come watch me and by 5:00 when Kim got off something might be happening.

Sunday, June 13, 1993 (8:10 a.m.)

Guess I was wrong, huh? Worthy came home early--at noon--from a job he was working and wondered why Kim's car was still around when she was supposed to work at 11:30. Kim came out and announced, "We're having contractions."

I said they were between 5 and 10 minutes apart, not regular and then stopped because I was in pain, resumed activity a little bit later and then stopped again. Worthy insisted they were less than 5 minutes apart and that I do something about it.

I couldn't reach my doctor, so I called Kathy Thielen and she said to call labor and delivery at the hospital. They told me to come in, so we gathered everything together, got in the cars and headed for the hospital. As Kim's car died whenever she slowed down, I just winced and handled the extra pain brought with her nervous driving causing her to drive into every pothole on the road.

We arrived at the hospital at 1:00. Worthy waited in the lobby. He had to work at 3:00.

(3:35 p.m.)

Kathy met us at the hospital. They gave us a nice room [for me] to labor in. I couldn't take the contractions lying down, so they gave me a robe and some slippers and I walked around. Soon, the contractions were too much to bear in the hallway.

We returned to the room, and I told the nurse I'd like to get an epidural--I forgot to tell you, though, when I got there I was sure they'd send me home. The nurse checked me and I was dilated to four centimeters. Kim and I just looked at each other in shock.

Anyway, when the contractions were getting to be just about unbearable (about 3:15)--we were "hee-hee-hooing" almost nonstop as they came one right after the other--the anesthesiologist came in. He had me roll up in a ball on my side. I practically squeezed Kim's hands off as I closed my eyes and breathed with Kathy. All I could concentrate on was the breathing. The hardest times were when Kim and Kathy stopped "hee-hee-hooing" with me. But how could I tell them not to stop?

Then, as I was gearing up for another contraction, I started the breathing, but partway through I lost the contraction. What a relief! As we visited after the anesthesiologist left, I was better able to recognize the contractions as my body tensed--without the pain. . .

You may have noticed, I was writing this account during the time I was in the hospital with her. I felt it was important to record the experience while it was still fresh in my mind. I am a little sad I did not think to do this with my own children's births. Each one is unique, of course. One thing to note, this was the only delivery I experienced in which I went into labor ON MY OWN, and before the due date. My daughter Rachel is the only one of my kids that was not induced. And I think Cole is the only one who was born before his due date. This was also the only time I was able to get an epidural, and with all of my babies being posterior, I experienced nasty, miserable back labor every time. I have been grateful I had the epidural this time, because I was able to experience more clarity in the experience, rather than being in a cloud of pain.

Was Heavenly Father watching out for me then? There is no doubt of it.

Fools

2011-11-17T12:52:00.001-07:00

Garrett and his friends are no Fools, but they did a great job of acting like Fools when they performed Neil Simon's Fools at the high school last week. If you missed it, you missed out. Every one of them played his or her part nearly flawlessly. If someone missed a line, or forgot a cue, they all hid it perfectly. The lights and sound, set and everything else also went very smoothly. It was really fun to watch.

I caught a picture of Garrett with his friend Brandon after their final performance this Monday. Brandon, who has always been behind-the-scenes in plays in the past, took on the role of male lead after another student had to drop out of the production. He did really well, and not just for his first time.

This picture represents the cast and some of the crew. Most of these kids are sophomores (Garrett's grade) or younger.
Left to right: Tryston Kartchner, Jennifer Webb, Jessica McDaniel, Koy Nielson, Rachel Metzger, Braxton Brown, Kortney Johnson, Liz Meyer, Dominique Sherrow, Dakota Adams, Becca Jean Black, Samantha Bergeman, Jill Hook, and Garrett. (not pictured: Janene Fahey, Zach Jennings, crew, and Ann Jennings, director)

One last picture of the actors hamming it up for the camera (Oh, and a couple crew members, too). You will notice Garrett had already changed out of his costume. He played the "Bootcher," Slovitch.

By the way, Garrett is now officially taller than me. Hooray! He has gained more than 20 pounds since wrestling season last year. The wrestling team has started practicing, but Garrett has decided not to wrestle this year. They increased the lowest wrestling weight from 102 to 108, and there is just no way we can make up that extra 20 pounds in one month. He is excited to be more involved in other activities this year, including FFA (he wants to be a veterinarian some day) and more drama activities. It works for me.

Just so you know, my life's dream is that every one of my kids outgrows me. For so many years, I HATED being tiny. I think I was probably about 29 years old when I finally let go and quit cursing the circumstances that made me feel like I was looked down on, belittled, and never taken seriously. Those frustrations may have all just been in my head, but that does not mean they weren't real to me.

I love the handsome young man Garrett is becoming, and hope this growth spurt sees him outgrowing the new pants I just bought him by Valentine's Day (or sooner). He doesn't fit any of the jeans I bought him at the beginning of the school year. It's good news (even if it is expensive).

I get by with a little help from my friends

2011-11-16T20:51:00.001-07:00

Yep, that's me, second from the right. Eight months pregnant, at Disneyland with my family

Recently, I posted about how isolated I felt when I realized I was pregnant. I felt the need to run away from my judgmental hometown. I thought I needed to keep it a secret, especially since I was pursuing an adoption plan. I even tried to hide it from my psycho roommates, even though they had their suspicions, especially the girl who tried to spy on me in the shower (no, I am not kidding), and even opened my mail (a medical bill), and then resealed it with the address backwards in the window.

That roommate was the exception in my experience as an expectant young mother.

So many wonderful people rallied around me when they heard about my situation. Even people who didn't know my plan reached out to me and watched out for me. If I start naming people, I will definitely miss someone. You know what, I am going to name some of them anyway.

Obviously, my family took care of me. The first person I told was my big brother Worthy. He had just asked his girlfriend Kim Hurst to marry him. He was riding high after she said yes, and then I had to spoil it by telling him about my stupidity. He was so good about the whole situation, and he encouraged me to tell Kim right away. I loved Kim dearly, but it was really hard for me to tell her. I think I almost wanted Worthy to do it for me, but I am grateful that he made me do it myself. Kim was my angel. I have told you that before, because it really is true. She and her roommates took care of me in so many ways.

Angie Wager did not know I was expecting, but she helped me and loved me in the moments we saw each other. The same was true of Tara Phelps and Jen Tate. True friends.

Various bishops took me under their wing. The first in my hometown, then in my college ward, in Kim's ward, which I preferred, especially because of her loving bishopric, and finally the bishop in the family ward I ended up living in, when I moved into Kim and Worthy's apartment--the apartment that they would share after they got married. The family ward Relief Society president and her family were also especially compassionate to me.

Dan and Kathy Thielen gave me babysitting jobs when I was having such a difficult time job hunting. They even set me up on a date with a friend of theirs when I was seven and a half months pregnant. It was also really difficult for me to tell them about my pregnancy. I spent so much time with those dear friends and their kids, I sort of assumed they would figure it out, but I hardly showed at all, and I always wore baggy clothes. Needless to say, that date was a pretty awkward experience. Jared Brown could tell you. He was my date, and he figured it out on his own.

Good people from San Juan County wrote letters of support to me. People who didn't know my story but wanted to let me know I was loved. Maybe they did know my story. I thought I hid it pretty well, but the rumor started to spread on its own, anyway. My future mother-in-law was one of those who wrote, sending her love and support.

My doctor was such a good man. He was very kind and patient with me. The nurses in labor and delivery and other workers in the hospital were very compassionate and respectful. I had an ultrasound tech that treated me pretty terribly--I think she thought I was an awful person because I was pursuing an adoption plan. That was the first time I really experienced any negativity relating to my choice. She didn't try to determine the gender of the baby--maybe she thought I didn't care--and I was too naive to know to ask her about it.

Other dear friends in Logan included Shannon and Rodney Hickman, Daryl and Shanna Guymon, as well as several good neighbors and ward members. There were also some sweet girls I made friends with through the birthmother group meetings at LDS Social Services. The family that Kim babysat for full-time, and the family for whom I babysat briefly were also very good to me.

I was surrounded in the arms of love. The good people all around me were such an amazing comfort to me. I know prayers were offered often in my behalf. I felt them. I knew of my Heavenly Father's love for me because of the service rendered to me over and over again by His children.

Growing Pains

2011-11-15T22:39:00.001-07:00

I'm a little bit upset that time has not allowed me to get this done sooner. And I really am too tired to stay up much longer, so this is probably going to be kind of a pathetic post. I just know I am running out of days in this month, and I do want to tell my story, besides a few other posts I need to throw in here.

Once I realized I was pregnant, I decided I needed to get out of my hometown. I started contacting people, looking for a place to stay in Logan. I found a place. I packed my things up, thinking carefully about the things I could not bear to be without. I honestly did not expect to be heading back home for a long time. I felt like I would need to stay in hiding. I knew I would have to tell my family eventually, but my older brother was still serving a mission, my two younger sisters were still in high school, and my younger brothers were in middle school. My mother was busy in her new position as assistant dean at the college. I didn't want to burden my family with that information yet.

I moved myself up to Logan entirely on my own. When I got to town, I tried to call some friends to help me load boxes up the steep, icy stairs, but I was unable to reach anyone. I started job hunting up there as well. I contacted LDS Family Services. I made an appointment with a doctor, recommended to me by LDS Family Services. I located my college ward--only to discover it wasn't the right ward, but then I found the right one. I started working with my bishop there, too. I had already begun the repentance process in Blanding.

My mother would not have recognized me during that time. And I am not talking about the pregnant part--I barely showed, even when I was several months along. No, I mean when I was in high school and even in the year after, I relied on her to do a lot for me. I probably never would have gotten a college application filled out if it weren't for her help. I read in my journals about those first few weeks in Logan, and I can't even believe it is me. As a matter of fact, some of the things I did (like baking and collecting recipes like a madwoman) were only true of my personality during that brief span in my lifetime. Pregnancy-hormone related suddenly being productive and filled with purpose?

I don't know. There is more to it than that. There were so many things about my life then that were guided and blessed. So many things that happened as they were meant to, things that helped me navigate this difficult position in which I now found myself. Now, the set of roommates I moved in with would not necessarily fit in the category of blessings, unless we are referring to the kind of blessings we experience through trials. My roommates were all LDS and none of them attended church. Half of them partied (alcohol and other drugs) almost all the time. I found myself repulsed by the lifestyle choices they were making, several of which were actually similar to choices I had previously been pursuing. I viewed my life then through such different lenses. I knew I needed the Spirit with me. I sought it desperately.

And the Spirit was my close companion, helping me through this lonely, desperate time.

Choices that Change You--Part 2

2011-11-12T15:56:00.001-07:00

No child wants to hear they were a mistake. (You may have noticed I changed the title of my previous post about my adoption story). A friend on Facebook pointed out that maybe I should change my phraseology, and so I did.) None of my pregnancies with my daughters were planned, so I suppose one might say they were mistakes. But I never have. Even though their timing wasn't what my husband would have considered ideal, we are grateful they came to us when they did. When I tell people that my girls weren't planned, I tell them that they are our gifts. Heavenly Father had his hand in how each of our children came to us. They came when they were meant to. I am grateful for the family that I have, for all five of my children who were added to our family every two years after the first was born.

Nineteen years ago, in another lifetime, when I realized my choices had affected more than just myself, I have to admit that my initial response was definitely not one of gratitude. It was a difficult time for me. I came to realize that another innocent life was involved. My reckless behaviors had led to a huge consequence, and the decisions I made from then on were no longer just about me. Suddenly, everything was very serious:

(In case you cannot read my lovely handwriting, this journal entry reads:

Thurs, Nov. 5, 1992, 11:05 p.m.

I've been feeling kind of sick, and altogether basically tired & depressed. I can't get enthusiastic about anything lately. Things certainly can set me off & get me easily upset, though. I'm so uptight. I've got so much building up inside me & I can't let it out.

Every now & then, a burst of steam shoots out uncontrolled. I'm afraid the whole thing is going to bubble over & explode.

Nobody knows. I can't talk to anyone, not even you. My soul is screaming inside, but what can I do? What can I do? Everything is so real & scary. There is no one to help me overcome my fears. I have to handle everything alone.

Consciously, I feel quite calm. My future is a great blank. I don't know what I'll do, but I'll handle it somehow. In some way, things will make themselves work out. I'll make it through.

But inside, there are so many questions, frustrations. I've got to take it as it comes, but what if I don't want what's coming? I'm totally unsure of how to handle any of it.)

I did not realize it at the time, but this baby that would be coming into my life was a gift. She was the first gift. Over the next few months, I came to believe the truth of this statement. She saved me. She brought me back to myself, and back to the Gospel, back to my testimony. She helped me to take care of myself again. Because I knew I owed it to her. I knew I had to take care of her, and in doing that, I helped myself, too.

Tonight I am thankful for EXERCISE

2011-11-08T21:39:00.003-07:00

I just got home from Zumba class. My arms are tired. It is a good kind of tired. Beth encouraged us tonight to do as many regular pushups as we could before we switched to girls' pushups (meaning on your knees). Well, I didn't think I needed to do girl pushups, so I stayed up the whole time, again and again. She would break it up with lunges and curls, and then we would go back to pushups. I was determined I was not going to do girl pushups, but I was starting to think my lofty goal was a little foolish by the time she had us do the last set of pushups. Still, I am glad I could do it; the girl pushups just didn't feel right.

Not that there is anything wrong with girl pushups.

I am grateful that my sister Kd encouraged me months ago to start going to step aerobics with her. I had quit my regular running routine when I started working full time for Britt, and even after we cut back my hours, I hadn't found my way back into it. I needed it. More than I can say I needed it. When I was dealing with postpartum depression after Olivia was born, the Prozac was nice, but the running was what really healed my hurting soul. Listening to "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" while I ran probably helped too. I think it is great to laugh while exercising.

Just not while you are trying to do pushups, whether they are the girl kind or not.

I like working out hard--I usually go in the morning--spending a productive day and then falling into bed fast asleep. I find I sleep better, I worry less, and usually I don't dread waking up in the morning. As much as I would like to just stay in bed sometimes, I know it is good for me to get out there and get healthy. I like being tired in a healthy way.

Yay for exercise!

Choices that Change You--Part One

2011-11-07T21:00:00.001-07:00

No pictures on this post, but at least it will be a post. :)

When last I told you a little bit about my story, I had just ended my freshman year at Utah State University. The scholarship that I lost had been one I earned by competing in the Regional Sterling Scholar Competition in English, in my senior year in high school. I had received runner-up, and Utah State offered me a scholarship for full tuition for one year. I still think it is ironic that the high school counselor tried to tell me I did not have enough English credits to graduate, since I lived, breathed and ate English, especially Journalism, but they didn't count that as English credit.

I am starting to get off track. Anyway, college was over. My spring job was ending, and it was time to move back home. I had been working at a greenhouse, where I scammed with one of my co-workers, a guy almost 9 years older than me, and ended up being his girlfriend for a couple months. I wasn't a very good girlfriend, but I liked being with him. He helped me move all my stuff back home. He even ended up staying a couple days. I took him sight-seeing, Natural Bridges, out to "the cave". We told each other we loved each other. Then, he headed home. But he didn't get very far, because his car broke down between Monticello and Moab. So we enjoyed more time together, and then he left.

I was bored and miserable in Blanding. So much had been going on all the time in Logan, and in Blanding there was nothing. And I missed my boyfriend, or at least I missed being close to him. We didn't really know how to talk to each other on the phone. I had a terrible time finding a job. I had assumed my old boss at Parley Redd's grocery store would hire me back, but he wouldn't. I ended up taking a job at a convenience store. I ended up hanging around with a couple of the guys that worked there, besides the manager's son and--well, yeah, it's too complicated. Basically, I was surrounded by guys all the time, bored and restless. It was not a good combination.

When I read in my diary about that time, it is kind of confusing, because one minute I will be talking about missing my boyfriend like crazy, and then I am talking about falling for this guy who is related to some of the people I work with, and then it turns out he is still married, but separated, and then my boyfriend comes to visit, and then there is this other guy. What the heck? I mean, within a few weeks, I was this entirely other person, and it seems like I was just being the girl that suited the situation.

I remember my boyfriend came to visit, and I was already going in this completely different direction. He wanted everything to be like it had when he left, but there was no foundation besides us really liking to be with each other, kissing and that kind of stuff. The truth was I had been addicted to him, but when he was gone, I just replaced him with someone else. Only it wasn't just one someone else. And it wasn't just kissing.

Now, I can look back at that and I just shake my head. What the heck was that little girl thinking? Because I was just a little girl then. I wish I could have held on to that girl I was a little longer. . .

This is not a post

2011-11-05T22:12:00.001-06:00

I am sorry these posts about my adoption story are kind of boring. I suppose I have already covered some of this stuff, and going into detail isn't really necessary. I just thought I could do a post a day if I really included the whole history, a little bit at a time. But maybe I think my story is more interesting than other people do.

Anyway, my husband is kind of sick of my blogging late into the evening, which is when I tend to be wrapping up my stories, so I am going to take a little bit of a break on this story. I have a couple other things I want to post, so maybe I will mix it up and not post every day this month about myself. Either way, I am going to try not to let this take over my evenings, because I think Britt is starting to hate this blog.

Obviously, I will not be blogging tomorrow. I am still on a technology fast every Sunday.

Mistakes

2011-11-04T22:29:00.000-06:00

I told you about that sweet girl I was in high school. I thought I would share some pictures with you. This first picture was me as a sophomore or junior in high school. This one was taken when I was a junior. I had a huge crush on this guy and then he moved. When I found out later that he had really cared about me, too (after he had moved) I was sick for weeks. Unrequited love or something like that.

The next four pictures were taken when I was a senior in high school. School dances and graduation. Yeah, graduation night was not my favorite. My attitude was "Let's get this dang thing over with!" I didn't go to the organized graduate party that night. Why? 'Cause I was a snob. I don't know why. I remember thinking I didn't want to chauffeur my best friend and her boyfriend around all night while they made out. I ended up coming home early, like at 10:00 p.m. and sleeping on the couch, while my mother spent the night waiting up for me wondering when I was going to get home.

Oh, the grief she felt that night was nothing compared to what I was going to put her through.

My freshman year at college was an interesting experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I had a couple serious boyfriends and several "scams". Back then, "scamming" meant making out with a guy without any commitment. Yeah, I was pretty busy scamming most of the time, more than I was studying for my classes. My best quarter that year was the one where I was down with mono and only had time to eat and study between sleeping. By the end of that year, I had lost my scholarship, been arrested, been told "I love you" by my boyfriend (ugh!), and made some lifelong friends, people who still mean the world to me even though we don't talk on a regular basis. I learned a lot about myself then. For one thing, I learned I was not ready to commit to a serious relationship, because I felt like I didn't love myself enough to let someone else love me. I would soon realize how true this was. How much I needed to know and respect and love myself more . . .

(That last post was kind of an interruption. I am going to try to keep telling my story in order)

Unnecessary Regret

2011-11-03T22:37:00.002-06:00

I like to say that I believe regret is a wasted emotion. It is only useful if you can turn it into resolve. I have never regretted the decision I made to place my baby girl for adoption, all those years ago. I knew it was the right thing. I knew she belonged with the family I chose, the family I was guided to through prayer. I have suffered, I have grieved, but I did not ever question if it could have been different, or wonder how it would be if she had stayed with me. I knew without a doubt she was where she belonged. I still believe that absolutely.

The first year of her life was a very difficult time for me. I was in a tailspin of despair and most of the time I didn't even recognize it. I engaged in some pretty self-destructive behaviors. But at the same time, I was trying really hard to make the decision to place mean something more. I wanted to succeed, in my schooling, in my relationships. I wanted to prove to her that she truly had blessed me through her brief visit into my life.

One thing that kept me going was the updates I received from her family. They were such a gift to me. And often times, they recognized my struggles even when I didn't. They wanted good things for me. They loved me. This was a great consolation for the sadness I was feeling then.

One thing I do regret about my adoption experience is that I did not utilize the free counseling that was supposed to be available to me through LDS Social Services. When I moved back home to Blanding, it just seemed too hard to access the services. I think I got forgotten somewhat by the agency I had worked with in Logan, because I was no longer regularly attending counseling and birthmother group meetings. But as I said, it is useless to regret that. Instead, I am resolved to encourage other women who choose an adoption plan to seek the counseling that is available to them, and make it work for you. Also, I would encourage adoptive parents to advocate for your children's birthmothers. Do everything you can to ensure that they are receiving the services they need. Choosing an adoption plan is never easy, but there are healthy ways to alleviate the pain, with help.

I regret that I didn't take the opportunity to communicate with others who had experienced or were considering making an adoption plan. I found it was healthy for me to share my testimony of adoption, especially relating to my own experience, but I also discovered that my story was not always welcomed by those with whom I shared. I think also, in a lot of ways, it would have been beneficial for me to hear similarities from others. I can't change that now. But, for that reason it is even more important to me that I share what I can with others like myself. It has been such a blessing for me recently to be able to share the grief and the joys of being a birthmother with other birthmothers.

There have been times over the years that I have regretted not making a stand about wanting to have more communication with my birth daughter's family. In the first couple of years, as time went on, I was kind of discouraged by the agency from writing too often. Although I did not have regular contact with the agency, being hundreds of miles away, there were a few times I was reminded not to expect too much, to let them have their space, not to demand letters. I never demanded letters, but I liked being able to write to them. My own life got busier as I married and had children of my own, but I enjoyed believing that as long as her family was willing, I could write to them at any time. That was the policy I had been told. A few years had passed since we communicated when I decided I would like to send them a letter, let them see how well my life was going.

It sort of blindsided me, the rejection I encountered with LDS Family Services when I wanted to send her family a letter around the time she turned five. I was hurt and confused. But I wasn't someone who enjoys conflict, so after they let me have that one letter, I never fought with them again for that privilege. I do regret not standing up for myself. I understood they were busy taking care of current expectant parents there, so I was not a priority, but I wish I would have made myself more important to them. I wish I could have somehow communicated to LDS Family Services that I still mattered, as a birthmother, that I still needed their help, whether it was through counseling or helping me to maintain communication with my birth daughter's family. I realize now I need to make LDS Family Services more aware of how they take care of the birthmothers who have passed through their system. Today, I can help them to see that their services are so vitally important and should never end in the short time after placement.

One of my current regrets is that something happened within LDS Family Services that they did not keep records for myself or my birth daughter's adoptive family. I am starting to realize this has probably happened to other birthmothers and their corresponding adoptive families. It is a loss of trust. I believe if I were an adoptive parent, I would expect that some day if my child wanted to know more about her birth parents, I could simply go back to LDS Family Services and request the information they saved there. They might not have all the information, but surely they would have something I could start with. I know not all adoptive families seek out their children's birth families, but if they wanted to wouldn't the first place they would go be their adoption agency? I know this is regretting something I had absolutely no control over. Still, I regret that the agency I love and promote at some point did not recognize the value of keeping proper records. I see that this is something I will need to try to help remedy as well.

The least I can do is try to inform birth parents and adoptive parents that the records might not be there now. They will need to be proactive, register with the LDS Family Services registry, as well as state and national adoption registry. There is sometimes an assumption that the information will be there if ever there is a reason to search for it, but I have discovered this is very rarely the case. The unfortunate thing in my situation is the family never even moved, as I had been told. This is another aspect of my experience with LDS Family Service that has damaged my faith in them. Was there any truth in what they said when they told me the family had moved, or was that just a line they used to hide the fact that they had not saved the records?

I still love LDS Family Services. I absolutely believe in the value of the services they provide, both to birth parents and adoptive families. I am proud to be a member of Families Supporting Adoption. I choose not to be a bitter birth parent, someone made miserable by all the injustices that have happened to her.

I need you to know about those injustices, though. Not to make you angry and say things like adoption is broken, but to encourage a dialogue where we discuss what we can do to make the system better. You see the pictures of the flowers I have included with this post? They look beautiful, don't they? Look closer. Yes, they are dead, or mostly dead. Those flowers represent my hopes of being able to communicate with the adoptive family. When I first discovered I would be able to write to them again, those dormant dreams of mine became vibrantly alive again, just like these flowers sent to me by my husband.

Those dreams were crushed, and I moved closer to being the bitter person I did not want to be when I learned that communication would not happen after all. I am not going to go into all the details. I sort of already have. And I am not going to link to those posts either. You can click on the label "Being a birthmother" if you want to read more about that. Essentially what happened is this: I was told I could write to the family but they had moved, so the agency did not have a way to contact them. I was told the agency would try to locate the family for me and then send my letters to them. I did not want to write letters that might not ever go anywhere. Then, I was told the family had been located and the mother said they were open to corresponding again, maybe even meeting. I spent a difficult two months composing letters to her family and her. I mailed them and waited for a response. And waited. And waited. Anything would have been nice, even just a call from the agency letting me know the family had received the letters. There was no communication, no information of any kind from LDS Family Services.

My husband called seeking to know the status of the letters I had sent. He was told the letters were never sent to the family; the mother had changed her mind. Later, I learned Sandy at LDS Family Services had called her using a phone number she had found through an internet search, but she hadn't saved the number and couldn't find it later. Sandy didn't have a way to call the mother back, and she didn't have an address to send my things. Sandy had known the mother was not ready to communicate, but she did not tell me. If she had told me then, I could have avoided the painful process of writing those letters and then agonizingly waiting for a response.

If Sandy had handled things better, I could have avoided resenting my birth daughter's parents. I could have avoided the anguish of wondering why they didn't care about me anymore. I would not have been imagining terrible things about them, grieving the loss of what I had believed had been a beautiful relationship simply severed by unfortunate circumstances out of our control. I started to imagine that remembered relationship had not been real, that I had attributed characteristics and qualities to those people that did not exist. I began to create a barrier in my own mind. I began to be afraid of her family. I began to believe that they were afraid of me. I felt betrayed by them. Why didn't they remember me?

It was the neglect of workers at LDS Family Services that created this cycle of pain for me. Once I believed corresponding with the family through the agency was no longer an option, I wanted to at least cover my other options. Sandy offered to send me the paperwork to register with the Utah State Adoption Registry, but for two months I believed the paperwork was coming in the mail and it never did. I finally received it from her hands when I drove to Logan to try to show her I was a real person who needed her help. Trying to reach her by phone was a nightmare, and I started to become the psycho stalker, leaving messages that were never returned, calling several times a day. I believe the secretaries there really started to dread my calls. I just wanted her to call me back.

It all came to a head when a friend of mine emailed me and said he thought he may have found something on the internet. When I requested the information, I followed the links he provided, and there they were! It was a miracle! Immediately, I called my husband and told him. He was out of town, but he had flowers delivered to me. "Congratulations!" the card said. It was an answer to prayers! I called Sandy, and when I actually reached her and not her voice mail, I gave her the family's contact information.

And then nothing happened.

The flowers started to wilt. I refused to throw them away. This was supposed to be a good thing, finding the family, but now I just felt more miserable. I sank into a deep depression. Sandy did not return my calls. I felt particularly foolish and annoying, calling all the time. No, I did not want to leave another voice mail. Does she ever even check her voice mail? I started to think awful, horrible things about the family. I felt betrayed. Maybe they never really cared about me. I am not going to get specific, but I am ashamed to admit I thought many unkind things. I just couldn't understand why they would not respond.

And then I realized maybe Sandy still had not even called them.

I finally left a voice mail requesting she send the letters back to me. My emotions were too unhealthy. I needed to try something different, maybe contact the family another way. I wasn't ready to let it go completely yet, but I knew I needed to get off the emotional roller coaster I was riding via LDS Family Services.

The message was left on a Friday. I finally threw out the dead flowers. Monday, during cub scouts, I realized there was a message on my voice mail. I didn't recognize the number, but I decided to listen to it right then. When you get a message like that, that makes you want to break down into grateful tears, you don't want to be in the middle of cub scouts. Sandy had just gotten off the phone with my birth daughter's mom, who was EXCITED to write to me, and send me pictures. The rest of the message was kind of weird, but the gist of it was there was absolutely reason to hope again. The family really did want to communicate with me!

I regret the bad feelings I had towards the family. I love them. I really do. There were so many misunderstandings all the way around, courtesy of LDS Family Services. The family thought I was requesting an update, not the other way around. They had no idea LDS Family Services did not have their contact information. They knew nothing about the letters I had written to them. They were not rejecting me, not afraid of me. They had been thinking about me often these last few months.

The parents and I have had some contact via the internet since Sandy spoke with them. I have been eager for them to tell me once they received the package I sent. As of the end of last week, they told me they had not yet received it. I called Sandy on Monday and she said she had sent it; then, she realized it was still sitting there on her desk. I sincerely pray every day with all my heart that the other people who are currently being served by LDS Family Services in Logan are being better taken care of than I have been. I would hate to regret not saying anything and having someone else suffer because of my silence.

Yes, I am resolved to document this experience and send it to someone at LDS Family Services, so they can be aware of the things they can do to improve how they serve their clients, especially other birthmothers. I support LDS Family Services and their mission to help bring families together. In explaining these things, I really hope I can help others avoid unnecessary regret.

Post Edit: I just realized I did not mention that I found out last night the family did receive my letters! I didn't mean to leave that out. And yes, I was prepared to drive all the way to Logan (or send a family member in there) to take those letters off Sandy's desk and get them sent in the mail.

There are a few more ways I feel like I was wronged in how my case has been handled by LDS Family Services, but it is not necessary to detail them here. I do believe it is necessary to let people know what has happened, though. If anyone else out there has had a similarly frustrating experience, not just with Sandy in Logan, but anywhere, please let me know. Like I said, I am not trying to bring the agency down. I just think it would be good for them to know what they could do to improve the experience for others. Thanks!

Choice and Accountability

2011-11-02T21:48:00.000-06:00

I was one of the good kids. I went to church every Sunday. I liked it there. I never sluffed Sunday School. I didn't date before I was sixteen. I didn't have a steady boyfriend in high school.

To tell you the truth, I was afraid of boys. This is kind of weird, because some of my best friends were guys. I mean, it was always easier for me to talk to guys than girls. And I definitely had my share of crushes on guys. But if I found out a guy "like-liked" me, I avoided him like the plague. I was deathly afraid of physical contact from a guy.

This made for some awkward situations in high school. My first kiss was exciting and amazing and terrible. I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time. Then, I remember the night I came in and told my parents the boy I had just been out with was going to be mad at me because I wouldn't let him kiss me. My parents were proud of me, but I was humiliated and so frustrated with myself. I was just so scared. And he did end up being mad at me. And it did mess everything up that might have happened between us.

I hated being like that. I hated being afraid of guys, even the guys I liked.

Then, one day when I was a senior in high school, I read an article in a magazine about repressed memories. And suddenly, I knew that was me. Suddenly, I had an idea about why I wouldn't let guys get close to me. But I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to let the messed up things that had happened in my past keep me from being able to be with guys.

So, I did a sudden 180 degree turn. I went to the opposite extreme. And I didn't even like the guy. I just wanted to stop being so cautious and paranoid about guys. But ugh, like I said, I really didn't even like the guy. And then I was with him all the time, and I was even sluffing school, and hanging out with other people I probably shouldn't have been.

Luckily, circumstances drove us apart. And I realized I was getting in over my head a little with the "relationship" I was in with him. Unfortunately, I had also realized I really liked kissing boys. . .

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

2011-11-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

This is my kickoff post for National Adoption Month. I am planning to tell you my adoption story from start to finish, or at least to where I am now. I am going to break it up into several posts, starting with how I got to the point where I needed to consider the option of pursuing an adoption plan for my unborn child. I am not quite ready to put it all out there yet, so for now, here is a poem that pretty aptly describes my pattern of decision-making back then:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost. . . I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in . . . it's a habit . . . but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

This was me 20 years ago. I will tell you more about my choices then in future posts. Sorry, Mom. It is probably going to be a little more info than you might want to know.

Today I am thankful for: GOOD FRIENDS

2011-11-01T21:45:00.000-06:00

This past week has been a busy one, full of lots of good experiences. I didn't get any pictures for most of them, but they are all definitely blog worthy. As I have spent today recovering from our very full, very busy weekend, I thought I would take some time to reflect on how truly lucky we are to have so many wonderful people surrounding us and blessing our lives.

You may remember when I posted the pictures of my darling girls all decked out in their Halloween attire, I sent out a bit of an S.O.S. for ideas to create a Haunted House for my daughters. Good people responded via Facebook. Another called me all the phone and showed up at my house with some of her best not too spooky embellishments for our Haunted House-in-progress. Thank you, Jennifer Warren. Your assistance helped us pull off a very successful and fun Spook Alley in our basement. And the virtual ideas were also appreciated. Rachel's cute little friends had some tricky and tasty snacks while they watched Pirates of the Caribbean--on Stranger Tides. The whole evening was a smashing success, complete with screaming girls and only a bit of girl drama. I am also appreciative of parents who were willing to let their girls party with us until late that Friday night.

There are no pictures of our awesome Haunted House. We actually had one group of girls that came through that screamed at least five or six times. I consider that evidence that we did our job. At least one girl refused to go through, but I promise it wasn't that scary; just a few good surprises in there. I kind of wish I had asked my husband to take a picture of me as a spooky fortune teller with my crystal ball, but it was pretty dark, so it probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

Saturday, my husband and sons headed out in search of the elusive buck. He was pretty hard to find, considering the best ones were already taken, either by hunters or drivers (it really was a rough week on drivers. I heard of at least two victims of deer-in-headlightitis). They also spent that particular day with a couple other friends, Josh Nielson and Mike Jensen. They spent almost the entire day out there searching, searching, searching. It just didn't work out. It's too bad one of them couldn't have just shot the three-point buck that was a half a block away from our house Friday night at 11:30, when I was coming home after dropping off all the little girls. Yes, we live in town, and no, my boys wouldn't really shoot at a deer in the middle of the night in the middle of town. Those dang deer are on to us! Anyway, my men and their friends finally returned home at 5:00 that evening, but none of them had filled their tag.

And we are actually glad they didn't, because then how would we convince them to head out on the Amazing Race Surprise Birthday Party for Mike Jensen? When Mike's wife, Keri brought the invitation by earlier in the week, Britt sort of wondered why, since we don't socialize a lot with Mike and Keri. I just teased him that they must have heard how much fun he is or how competitive he is. Yeah, it was definitely the competitive thing. At 6:00, Britt and I showed up for the party/race. I have to say, we had a blast! Our team ended up being one of the last to return, so obviously we did not win the Amazing Race Blanding style, but we had a fun time trying, and we are definitely ready to take the challenge should we ever have the chance again. We are thankful that Keri thought to include us. And thankful for fun friends, Jay and Michelle Jones who raced along with us on our team. Thanks to them, Britt and I didn't yell at each other once. They are such nice, easy-going people, I would have felt foolish being ornery to my husband. I will admit I got very little sleep that night, as I stayed up thinking of the things that I would have done differently, little mistakes that slowed us down. And scheming up other things I would do if I were planning an Amazing Race in our area. It was a fabulous way to spend our evening together. Even if I am a little sad we don't get any video of Britt's awesome Zumba moves.

Sunday was our Primary Program. Each one of the girls said their parts perfectly, and the whole primary sang beautifully. I am so grateful to the good people in our ward who do everything they can to teach our kids to value the scriptures, and to love our Savior. I am also grateful for the quality friends my kids have at church, who help them see it is cool to be righteous.

Our home teachers invited us over for Sunday dinner and a little football. Yes, we love our religion, and we love our Steelers, too. We are grateful for the Macdonalds, our good friends. They know how to keep track of us and be aware of our needs, including when those needs involve getting to watch an awesome football game, since we don't have T.V. at our house. Thanks, Paul and Lisa. And Preston, even though you didn't get to make Britt wear your Patriots jersey Monday, thanks for being a good sport.

I am especially grateful to good friends, friends of mine (Brooke Pehrson) and friends of my girls, who were willing to take my daughters trick-or-treating last night so I could spend the evening with my husband. We are also thankful to the Cards for inviting us to their fun Neighborhood Halloween Party. It was so nice not to have to worry about dinner, and I know Britt had a great time listening to Buddy Redd's crazy stories. We so rarely get to just hang out and be social, it really was the best time.

I also have to mention, I appreciate the Macdonalds for including Cole in some of their hunting expeditions this week. We have a lot going on at work, and Britt just couldn't always get away to take the boys hunting. Cole would have been happy to be on the mountain every minute of daylight of this hunting season, but since he couldn't, we are just glad there were others willing to get him out there.

The fact is good friends truly are a blessing in our lives. This week I was also able to re-establish an old friendship with some people who are very dear to me. I look forward to that friendship growing and strengthening in time. To be able to pick up where we left off, to be able to share in each others' experiences is such an amazing miracle! I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who puts good people in our paths to help us experience the love and joy meant for us.

We're ready for the elementary school Halloween party!

2011-10-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

Tyler is a Gothic rag doll

Rachel is a pretty pirate

and since the ninja costume was sold out, Olivia is a sweet mermaid

They are all ready to go to school! Happy three days before Halloween!

Oh, and if any of you have any brilliant ideas, any extra scary costumes, or unused spooky decorations around your house, I sure could use your help. Apparently, my girls have been making big plans to do a Haunted House at our place tonight at 8:00. Rachel has even given out several invitations to their friends. The girls were kind of thinking our messy house would be scary enough as it is, but I would kind of like to help them make it a little bit more like the real deal. I know it is short notice, but I would appreciate anything! Thanks!

Letting in the light

2011-10-26T14:36:00.000-06:00

"Now, God be praised, that to believing souls gives light in darkness, comfort in despair."

--William Shakespeare

This is the post where I thank all of you have been praying for me, worrying about me, reaching out to me. I have found hope again! Prayers have been answered. Real contact has been made. My letters to my birth daughter and her family really are going to make it into their hands. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I want you to know I truly understand that my Heavenly Father knows the righteous desires of my heart and delights to own and bless me. I have been blessed a thousand times over, I know. Before this moment, and especially in this blessed day.

Thank you again. I love you all.

Company Retreat

2011-10-22T22:39:00.001-06:00

Some of you may know that I work with my husband at his mortgage business, Primary Residential Mortgage, Inc. We recently spent some time in Moab with all of Britt's employees. The word all sounds pretty serious, but it amounts to Kayela Bradford, his processor, Beverly Digiambattista, his underwriter, who lives in California and flew out for a meeting we had with local realtors, and Merri Shumway, his new assistant. Yes, he just hired Merri to work in the office full time. Does that mean I am out of a job? Not exactly. I just get to work on stuff at home now, which is lovely.

We spent a wonderful couple of days getting to know each other better, outside of the work environment, as we toured some of the awesome sites around Moab. Of course, Arches is one of our new favorites:

I love this guy

Inside the frame created by the arch, if you look way in the distance, you can see two other arches on the horizon. I guess Arches National Park is supposed to contain over 2000 sandstone arches within its borders.

Britt looks like he can take on the world, doesn't he?

This bowl beneath the arch is pretty cool, too. It kind of seems like it ought to be a natural pool you could jump into. Merri said the whole place reminded her a lot of Lake Powell, except without the water. She used to practically live at Lake Powell. Her father was the original owner of Halls Crossing Marina.

Looking at these pictures has been reminding me of something. Several years ago--it would have had to have been 15 or more years--I tutored a Western Literature class at the college. One of the books we read was Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey. Toward the end of the quarter, we took a class field trip to Arches National Park, and hiked to Delicate Arch. It was the first time I had been in the park, I remember, and my little brother Tim was one of the students in the class. I loved the book! In some ways, it is hard to think of the wonderland Edward Abbey loved so well being changed as it has since this park has become more popular. Still, I have to say, we are grateful that we can enjoy the natural beauty that is contained within Arches National Park.

We are also grateful that our own little backyard, San Juan County, is mostly undiscovered. When we want to go explore our world, we don't have to pay to enter a park. We don't have to do litter patrol, or try to find animal tracks amidst all the human tracks. We just pull out the GPS and wander to our heart's content, very rarely running into any other hikers along the way. Call me selfish, but I like it this way.

I also remember that when we entered the park all those years ago, we were supposed to get a discount for being on an educational field trip, but the ranger there said she had to charge full price. I remember about a week afterward, I wrote a letter of protest to the park, asking that they recognize the educational nature of the trip. I even included specific references to the book in my arguments. I wish I still had a copy of the letter. Yes, I am bragging, but it was pretty well-written, if I do say so myself. A few weeks later, the instructor of the class received a refund of the money she had been charged.

I think I am going to dig out some of those old pictures, just so I can show you my young self and my cute little brother Tim on our first hike out to Delicate Arch. Not for a few days, though.

From now on, my Sundays will be computer and phone free. I promised my husband, and now you are all witnesses. I won't even be blogging. Sorry. See ya later.

Closing the door

2011-10-21T15:03:00.000-06:00

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me. I am not yet ready to tell you why. I am still holding out hope that something good will eventually come out of the grief I have been experiencing.

Today, I made a phone call. I didn't even ask to talk to her, because I knew it would be a wasted effort. I have been playing a vicious game of phone tag with her all week. This time, I simply asked to be sent directly to her voicemail.

Today, I requested that Sandy send my letters to my birth daughter and her family back to me. I left my address on the voice mail just in case she has lost or forgotten that, too.

I am closing that door.

It is not worth it. Not worth believing she really will do something about it. Not worth trying to get her attention. Not worth feeling like I am harassing an agency that once promised to do anything and everything for me. It is so not worth it.

I am closing the door. I am letting go of that struggle. Now, I am hoping with that door slammed shut, there will be some wide, clear-paned windows opening soon, because it is getting awful dark around here.

There is beauty all around

2011-10-18T14:20:00.000-06:00

Wow, did you notice how bright my new header is? Yeah, all the people in the photo did, too. Look at everybody squinting. This was what we did for Family Home Evening last night. I know I am not a professional photographer. Hey, that last picture was taken by the truck! Still, it is nice to have a record of what a beautiful family I have. In moments like these, when life has been bringing me low, I look around at the beauty that God has created (including these wonderful people that I love), and I cannot be sad for very long.

Don't you just love Fall?

2011-10-16T17:49:00.000-06:00

I have more pictures to post from the rest of the day--earlier in the day, actually. I just couldn't resist posting these from when we were up at Grandpa Lee's cabin. It was such a beautiful day. The kids had a blast raking the leaves and then playing in the piles. Thanks, J.C. and Lori for inviting us. And Happy Birthday, Ryker and Carter!

Tyler is okay

2011-10-14T14:01:00.002-06:00

I am not posting a picture, because if I were Tyler, I would be mortified. But then, if I were Tyler, I would probably have insisted on not going to school at all today. After all, when you are in the fifth grade, your looks matter a lot to you and to everyone else. Tyler is my daughter who has always fought me violently whenever I have tried to do her hair, and now she is begging me to do it. She is definitely more conscientious about how she dresses and all of that now, too.

So, when I received a text from my mother yesterday--which I couldn't view because I was out of data range in Arches National Park at a business retreat--and a voice mail from the school principal describing Tyler's injuries, I was very concerned but pretty much helpless. Thank goodness they had been able to reach my mother and she had a vehicle to get to the school and pick up Tyler. Once I was able to call Tyler, her usual perky, mile-a-minute voice answered me back like it was all no big deal.

No big deal that she had a split lip, bleeding gums, a monster goose egg and swelling right side of her face, not to mention a developing black eye and two very scraped up knees. She wasn't crying; she wasn't complaining. Actually, she sounded like she was thrilled to be getting some quality time with her grandma, especially since she was able to finagle Grandma into helping her start another quilt project. She wasn't even really upset about what had happened to her.

What happened to her? Those of you who didn't already hear or who weren't there when it happened are probably wondering. This is the story told to me by Tyler. She was playing kickball with a bunch of kids at school. As she ran to the base, a boy threw the ball at her to get her out. He hit her legs, tripping her and knocking her right into the base, which happened to be a metal pole. Personally, I am thinking having a metal pole for a base is not such a good idea.

She was pretty bloody then, between the scraped knees and her bleeding mouth, not to mention the goose egg making her face swell. Grandma Gail got her home to her house, cleaned her up and kept an ice pack on her face for a while. Tyler didn't really want to be bothered with it, but Grandma said it did help bring the swelling down.

Once I got home, she was developing a pretty large black eye, above and below her right eye. Her lip was not bleeding, but it had swollen quite a bit, as had the entire right half of her face. A friend of hers was encouraging her to take ibuprofen to reduce the swelling, but since she wasn't really in pain at that point, I didn't think it would be that helpful.

This morning, she looked like she had been on the losing side of a terrible boxing match. I told her she didn't have to go to school, but she wanted to. She is braver than me.

Thanks, everyone who called to make sure she is okay. She really is. She is kind of like the Energizer Bunny, you know. She just keeps going and going. I think she is even enjoying the fame and attention she has been receiving since it happened. I love my Tyler.

More time in Arches National Park--April 2010

2011-10-13T23:16:00.000-06:00

I was just looking through these pictures and wondering how I was possibly going to limit the number of pictures to a reasonable size for this post. You will notice I didn't do a very good job of keeping the pictures to a minimum. We really enjoyed our second visit to Arches National Park. The girls even worked on earning their junior ranger badges that day. Unfortunately, we didn't make it back down to the Visitor Center before 6:00 p.m., when they close, so they weren't actually able to get their junior ranger badges. Still, they had a great time, picking up litter and learning all they could about the park.

We spent a little bit of time down by the Visitor Center, hence these first pictures:

Then we started off on a long hike down through the park. I cannot remember the name of it, but we saw several different arches along the way. . .

. . .including Landscape Arch, which is an amazing arch which spans a long distance. We got lots of fun pictures with that one.

We also hiked up past the rubble of Wall Arch, which is an arch that actually collapsed a few years ago.

We stopped and enjoyed a snack.

And just enjoyed the the view.

Then we hiked some more, but those pictures are for my next National Parks post, which will probably be my next post, unless I decide to post about something else.

National Park Series: Visiting Natural Bridges April 2010

2011-10-10T22:57:00.000-06:00

I don't know if you remember when I our family visited Mesa Verde two years ago, and I said we were going to use our National Parks Pass as much as we could in the coming year. Well, you saw my posts about Arches, and then one about Natural Bridges. This is part two of our visit to Natural Bridges National Monument. We also used our parks pass at Arches again. Then, in one long drive (over a few days), we went to Zion National Park, Bryce Canyon National Park, Grand Staircase National Monument, and Capitol Reef National Park. Those posts are still coming. I thought it would be fun to try to update you on some of those visits. I know I am way behind, but I hardly blogged at all in 2010 and I do prefer to have a record of our lives here, so here we go:

Here we are hiking down to the Owachamo Bridge. We think some day we would like to do the full hike down the canyon, starting at Sipapu Bridge. We have always hiked down to Sipapu Bridge in the past, when we have brought family or friends down, but the trail was still covered with ice and snow then, so that wasn't an option this time. I have been down to the Owachamo Bridge a few times with my kids' classes when they were here for field trips.

It is awe-inspiring every time.

My kids love posing on the rocks.

and under the bridge

my doll

"Take my picture, Mom!"

Our family poses for a picture framed by the bridge.

We make a good-looking bunch, don't we?

And my girls' favorite part is earning their Junior Ranger badges

Here they are, getting sworn in. It was all very official. They loved it!

Yes, this was a year and a half ago. I intend to post more pictures from our other National Parks visits in the next few days (not that there isn't plenty of stuff going on here now that I will need to post about). I just like to mix it up, okay?

This was how we watched General Conference

2011-10-06T21:37:00.000-06:00

I love General Conference. My kids enjoy it, too, for the most part. We love doing nothing but listening to the messages given by the leaders of our church. We love being uplifted and inspired. Sometimes, with lots of young children fairly close in age, the process of listening to eight hours worth of inspiration over two days is not so easily achieved. We have tried various tactics to get the kids to sit still, so all of us could gain something beneficial from the words given to us by the General Authorities. I have tried coloring packets, craft projects, and things like that. None were as effective as the Bingo cards that encourage these guys to actually listen to the words and then add a treat to the squares when they heard that word. But we have used Bingo cards for the last three or four years. It was time for something new:

We do not have satellite T.V. anymore (nor do we have an antenna), so we watched General Conference on the internet this year. See how attentive they are all being.

I was lucky enough to find a site that suggested making treat buckets labeled with common words spoken at Conference. I have noticed that other friends of mine had similar ideas.

This was a fun way to get them to pay attention without them shouting Bingo every few minutes.

Thanks so much to Camie at Cookie Nut Creations for the inspiration and the printable pictures, and thanks to Sugardoodle on Facebook for referring me to them.

I love General Conference! Every moment of it, including all of Saturday. I love that I have a husband who also treasures that time. We do not plan special projects for Conference weekend. We plan to be sitting and listening to the inspiring messages the entire time. We usually plan to have yummy food the whole time (and boy did we!) I was just about bursting by the time the weekend was over--not just from the good food, either. I was touched over and over by messages that I felt applied to me and to those I love. And I received a very strong confirmation that our General church leaders are very much aware of the members needs, all over the world. For me, it was another reassurance that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. The moment when President Monson announced that the Provo Tabernacle would be rebuilt and that it would be a second temple in Provo, I started bawling. My girls looked at me like I was crazy, but it was an excellent opportunity to teach them about how the Spirit works and influences us.

I can't wait to read the messages again soon, and once again be inspired by all those wonderful messages. What a gift it is to be an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!

By the way, I am over my funk for the moment. I guess I just needed to vent. I am feeling ready to hope again today. Thanks for your love and prayers.

What does REUNION mean to you?

2011-10-04T20:57:00.001-06:00

Don't get excited.

Those of you who might follow my blog because I occasionally post about my life as a birthmother, there is no reunion in my future. Yes, this is another one of those posts. But, sad to say, it is not an inspirational, full of hope post. Right now I am in a sad, almost bitter kind of place. I try to keep these kinds of moments to myself usually, because I really don't like being this way, and I know you guys don't really like reading poor me posts.

Letting go.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.

Letting go is not to cut myself off;
it's the realization I can't control another. . .

Letting go is to admit powerlessness;
which means the outcome is not in my hands. . .

Letting go is not to deny,
but to accept. . .

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires;
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. . .

Letting go is not to regret the past;
but to grow and live for the future.

Letting go is to fear less and live more.

I can't do it. I know I said I was going to let it go. I guess I lied. It is not so easy. And though I try to stay away, it seems like every time I start wandering around on the internet, I come across stories of birth parents being reunited with their birth children. And I don't get to have that. And it makes me mad. It makes me furious.

You see, for the past 18 years I have walked around holding onto this notion that the day would come when both of us (myself and her family) would run back into each others' lives. We would be so grateful that the agency policies could not hold us hostage anymore. Enough time would have passed that we could re-establish our relationship. I know I am the only one guilty of selling myself this crock of you-know-what. I am the one who convinced myself all those years ago that it was all okay because some day we would meet again. And I really did believe that that someday would be sooner rather than later. I didn't think that they would be one of those families who were afraid of their child's birth mother. I thought our relationship was strong enough to survive the agency-imposed separation. I thought THEY would want to know me again. I never thought they would say they didn't want me in their lives. I believed in a fantasy.

Actually, I think at some point, they were buying into that fantasy, too. Or at least her dad was:

June 11, 1994

Dear Amy:

I hope life is treating you well.

I hope this day passed for you without too much event. It was a lovely day for us, but somewhat bitter-sweet, too. I thought of you quite often as we celebrated the life of this wonderful little girl. I can't believe it has been a year! I guess today isn't just a celebration for her, but it's also a day in which we celebrate you, too. You have allowed us to expand our possibilities and see and experience something in a way we couldn't otherwise. Now, we can't imagine life without this child, or without you for that matter. You have become a part of us.

So thank you, again.

I looked over my shoulder and it's been a year so quickly. It's been a good year filled with a lot of wonderful living. . . .

Still, it has surprised me how quickly life leaks: You can't fully grasp it (even though you try), you can't completely cherish it, you can't entirely look at it, but you do love it nevertheless. The final constant is it doesn't stand still no matter how much you'd like to. It slowly leaks onward in some unshapeable fashion, never allowing you to stay in the same place. You can only look back once you've lived--and not for very long.

If you're like me, you'd like to try and shape life more, but the verity is you're shaped by it. After a while you smarten up and just drift with it and don't fight it. It's part of a plan you have faith in. Anyway, I can't believe she's 1 year old today. . . .

It's absolutely wonderful and absolutely difficult to see her grow up. It must have taken a lot of courage for Heavenly Father to let us leave the pre-mortal existence, knowing what we had to face. I'm not sure I could have done it if I had the power to control all things.

What a year it's been! . . .

Shifting gears. How's your writing going? I really enjoyed your stuff. I've since read it again. I've kept a file with all your letters and literary works. I just got a new fire-proof gun safe which has guns in it, of course; the videos we've taken of her and Mouse; and I'll be transferring our correspondence--along [with] copies of all our letters. I think they'll provide an interesting history of our association.

I really don't know what the official LDS Social Service Rules are about pictures and letter writing. Things in this field are shifting so fast to meet the needs of both sides it seems that nothing is etched in cement. For example, things we are doing now would be unthinkable, out of bounds and against the rules, when we got Mouse. For the record, we have greatly enjoyed our relationship. You don't threaten us or worry us. You are our friend and partner. We love sharing what's going on and are very interested in what's happening in your life. We hate to see stuff start to shut down at the arbitrary deadline, the one year mark.

We want to keep in touch! So let's do it . . . (his ellipses)

. . . I guess I better run. I need to go help "Holly" with the dishes.

Please keep in touch with us. (his italics)

Your life is part of our life, now. I can't quite bear to sever the connection or our relationship. I'm really looking forward to meeting you face to face again. We've some catching up to do. Please take good care of yourself. Keep to your high goals and don't get discouraged or weighed down. I'm pleased you've got the first leg of your schooling done. Go on and do whatever it is you want to do. I hope you'll keep writing. You've got a great talent for it. . . .

I hope you enjoy the summer.

Love,

Gary

And this from her mother:

. . .We love you and hope the memories have not been too painful for you. It's still hard knowing that so much pain had to be endured for us to be so happy. We're eternally grateful to you for all that we've been given this last year.

Love,

Holly

Another from her dad:

. . . As you know, we think you are really swell. Please keep in touch with us so we can update you on all the latest developments.

Another from "Holly":

. . . If possible, please let us know what is going on with you. We'd love to hear from you.

And from the last letter I ever received from them (written by Holly):

A while ago I asked "Cozette" what she would like to tell you. She wanted you to know she loved you and wanted you to come visit our house. She talks about her birthmother rather matter of fact--as if everyone has a birthmother like her. It takes some people by surprise at first. I'm glad she seems to understand the concept already. She talks about it with "Mouse" every once in a while, too.

Wait, actually the last letter I got from them was a Christmas card later that year:

We want you to know how much we really do think of you. The mouse is jealous because we met you and not his birthmother. We're very thankful to have this rambunctious, constantly on-the-go blonde "extremely a little girl--constantly changing clothes, trying to be pretty, wanting lipstick, wanting to be pretty, etc. etc--girl in our house. We are so grateful for the sacrifice you made to allow us to enjoy her. She has blessed our home so much. We will never be able to properly express our love and thanks to you. We are trying so hard to bring her up in the right way--to love the Lord and to love His church.

Okay, so maybe my hopes weren't completely delusional. It's too bad they are now. That is what makes me angry and unhappy. My expectations were for something else. And this nothing that I'm stuck with now, it hurts. It hurts that we can't get back to where we were. I truly thought that was what we all wanted. How did we get here?

The Morning After Crazy Hair Day

2011-10-03T16:50:00.001-06:00

Tyler wants you to see what her hair looked like after we took the buns out:

She was really disappointed we wouldn't let her go to school like this. I guess we will have to plan to do this look for Halloween--punk rocker or something like that, I guess.

It's Crazy Hair Day Time Again!

2011-09-27T16:10:00.000-06:00

We LOVE Crazy Hair Day! Lucky for me this year my girls gave me some warning about Crazy Hair Day and even asked me to get them up early to give me time to get their hair done. And lucky for me, they were all willing to let ME do their hair. And as much as I really don't like the new district-wide stupid Tuesday schedule, today it was lucky they had more time since school starts at 8:30 on Tuesdays.

I was also lucky that I had an idea of what I wanted to do and easily found pictures on the internet when I googled it. Tyler's do is actually featured on the Adopt A Do site which is down there on my sidebar. It was prettier before we added the colored hairspray, but crazier with it, right?

She loves it!

Rachel and Olivia's hair was a little trickier, but I think it turned out cute.

Too bad it didn't stay sticking up like it was supposed to. Oh well.

I am so lucky to have such adorable little girls who look beautiful even when their hair is crazy!

P.S. Tyler's hairdo was still intact when she got home! I didn't know she could be calm enough not to have it completely trashed by the time the day was over. I guess she IS growing up. Of course, is it really a good thing to be able to maintain a bun mohawk all day long? I don't know.

P.S.S. Olivia won a prize for her hairdo. I guess the principal saw her coming in late this morning (yeah, my youngest two girls barely made it to school at 8:32 a.m.). Yay, Olivia!

Eighth Grade Football Games, Parent Teacher Conferences, Root Canals and other fun stuff

2011-09-26T19:57:00.001-06:00

I don't mean to give the impression that I classify watching eighth grade football with root canals, 'cause I don't. It has just been that kind of a week. Add into that trying to keep up with homework--Suddenly I am the Algebra expert? How did that happen?--getting the oldest eligible for Cross Country and drama activities, talking with teachers all day Tuesday trying to find out what I need to do to help the kids succeed in school, attending extra-curricular activities, getting kids ready a couple of times while Britt was out in the morning hunting with Cole (Cole drew an elusive bull elk tag), and working on a couple major projects for Britt at work, by the end of the week I was something beyond exhausted.

These pictures comprise two football games Cole played in. The first was Thursday, September 15 against Moab. It was a tough game. The boys are still kind of figuring out how to work together as a team.

Time out on the field

Stop him!

last minute instructions

Almost the final score (since they turned off the scoreboard last time before the game was over, I wasn't taking any chances)

caught

but we couldn't quite make anything happen.

The team's game this past Thursday the 22nd (Happy Birthday to my brother Drew and my Aunt Nancy) went a little better:

Cole's on defense

Oops! He just missed this tackle

still on defense

Go, Mustangs!

Cole was frustrated that he spent so much of the game on the sidelines.

But you know he had missed part of some practices during the week because he was elk hunting.

We held them to no score until the final play when the clock ran out and our defense just let their man run into the end zone. It was craziness.

But we still won. Yay!

And I was in pain the whole time. That morning a back molar that has bothered me slightly for several years (like since I was a teenager) really started hurting. Thursday night I went to bed in moderate pain. Early Friday morning, like 3:00 in the morning, I realized there was no way I was going to get any sleep with the sharp shooting pain penetrating my jaw. I asked Britt if he had anything stronger than Tylenol and he gave me some old pain medication. Then I asked him for a blessing. That Friday, he and Cole went out early to hunt again. I called Garrett on his cell phone and had him get the kids up and fed. They came into my room for prayer. Then Garrett drove to school (yes, he has his learner's permit) and I made it home safely on my own. I spent the entire day "sleeping" and taking pain medication. Tried to eat, threw up a couple times. By late afternoon that day, I decided I would rather eat than take pain medication. And I was actually okay without it! (for a few hours, anyway)

My dentist was able to get me into an emergency appointment later than night for a root canal. By then, I had decided that I wasn't hurting that bad anymore, so I didn't really want to do the painful procedure. But I wanted to be able to sleep that night, so I figured I better just do it. He said my nerve was actually dying and that was why it wasn't hurting as bad at that point. But, he said eventually it would have abscessed and got infected and then I would have felt worse. I have to say, that was the most pleasant root canal ever! No joke! It was such a relief! And oh yeah, I slept like a baby that night (even without my husband who was camping out in hopes of finding some elk early in the morning--no such luck).

Saturday was a busy day between a cub scout baptism, the Stake Relief Society Humanitarian Project, and the General Relief Society Broadcast, which was so worth attending! Sunday, I spent the whole time after church trying to create a DVD of our motorcycle trip for my father-in-law Joe. I have never done that before, so it turned into quite the project. Just got it done today. I am also still working on some projects for Britt.

The fact is, I am tired.

But life doesn't slow down even for a root canal. We just have to keep going. And that's okay. We'll get there eventually.

John Thornton Cross Country Invitational (and the sun was even shining)

2011-09-22T14:23:00.000-06:00

For the past few years, the San Juan High School sponsored Cross Country Race in Blanding has required a change of venue from the regular course at the college to the track at the high school because of heavy rains. Not this year! The sun was shining brightly and the temperatures were 80+ degrees. It was a good day to run. (By the way, this was yesterday).

The race started with the middle school runners. Eva is on the team this year. Here she is waiting to run the race, with her friend Ashley Berrett:

Aren't they cute girls?

this is Ashley crossing the finish line

Eva's cousin Rhiannon and Eva race to the finish line

Go, Eva!!!

The junior varsity team prepares to start their race--SJH is pretty well-represented, don't you think?

And they're off!

Wait, never mind. One kid got tripped, so they had to start over. Brayden Meyer still had a good race, even after really scraping up his hands

And they're really off!

Go, Garrett!!!

Coming across the finish line

Garrett definitely had a better run today, even though he was feeling a little bit sick afterward. He felt good about his race. He is improving and that is good.

The team did well, but I don't know what the final team scores were. Thanks, Grandma Gail and Grandpa Worthy for coming out to watch your grandkids. It was a fun day to run.

Family Traditions--Homemade Raspberry Ice cream at Grandma Barton's

2011-09-21T15:11:00.000-06:00

I can remember over the years, on a few different occasions, we went to Britt's Grandpa and Grandma Barton's house for dinner or ice cream or both. It has been several years since Grandpa Barton passed away and we visit occasionally now, but nothing like the huge family dinners we attended there years ago. Still, there have been occasions when sweet Grandma Iris Barton has provided the Barton extended family with some of her delicious homemade raspberry ice cream. Britt called her the other day and asked if we could bring the family over and make her special recipe there at her house. Grandma said it has been a long while since she has even had an ice cream maker; she just doesn't need it anymore. Luckily, we brought our own, along with the ingredients we needed (after verifying the recipe with her).

The kids asked to play with Grandma's marble set. It is funny that they even remembered it.

And then they fought over who got to play Uncle Jesse's piano

Dad even tried his hand at one of his old favorite hymns. We tried to sing along.

Then, Grandma let the kids all have an ice cream treat, since we made them wait to have the ice cream until it has been in our freezer a couple days.

I know it is hard to tell that we are having a good time; they must all be in a sugar daze.

We also made some delicious clam chowder the Sunday before. And since we had plenty of soup left over, we had it for dinner Monday night before we went over to see Grandma. We also brought some soup and rolls to her for dinner, to thank her for hosting us that night. We still can't quite believe Grandma is 90 years old. She thinks that is plenty old, but we are happy she is still around. Happy we got to spend the evening with her. And the ice cream turned out to be delicious. There is a tradition worth carrying on!

I know you want the recipes. So here they are:

Nan's Clam Chowder (adapted from my mother Gail Glover's recipe):

2 or 3 cans minced clams (if you like bigger clam pieces, replace 1 can with chopped clams)
1/2-1 cup chopped onions
1 cup diced celery (finely diced, and usually less than a cup--we hate celery here, but we will eat it in clam chowder)
2 cups (or more) cubed potatoes
3/4 cup melted butter
1/3-1/2 cup flour
1 1/2 tsp salt
pepper to taste
1 TBSP sugar
1 quart half and half

Cook vegetables in clam juice and enough water to barely cover. Simmer about 20 minutes. Blend melted butter with flour, salt, pepper and sugar. Add to vegetables and clams. Add half and half last. Heat through, but do not boil. Serves 8.

We love this clam chowder! We often double it and enjoy the leftovers through the week. We serve it with french bread or Rhodes rolls.

Grandma Barton's Raspberry Ice Cream (makes 1 gallon)

1 can evaporated milk
3 half pint cartons heavy whipping cream
2 packages frozen raspberries
Juice of 3 lemons
4 1/2 cups sugar
3 or 4 eggs

In mixing bowl, whip cream and evaporated milk. Add sugar, lemon juice and eggs. Put in ice cream maker freezer can, adding whole milk to fill 2 inches from top. Freeze 15-20 minutes. Open, add drained partially mashed raspberries. Continue to mix in ice cream maker until it slows. Place in freezer overnight until frozen.

This recipe is super yummy! We discovered we didn't have room for any extra milk when we whipped it up. Also, we just used regular frozen raspberries, not raspberries in syrup, so there was no need to drain. And we actually only had room for one pack of raspberries. Some of you might be afraid of the eggs, but they just make it like a frozen custard. It is really tasty, although you don't need a large serving to enjoy it. It is quite decadent!

Don't you love tasty family traditions?!

(Kim, you are welcome to steal my recipes and add them to your food blog, although I don't know if they would qualify as healthy food)

The last of the pictures at Grandma King's pool

2011-09-19T12:53:00.002-06:00

We had such a good time at Grandma and Grandpa King's house. We love all our St. George cousins. And we love Grandma and Grandpa King!