About friendship and some ancient history

Last week's Relief Society lesson came from The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith. A good, simple lesson, one of those that made it so that you couldn't help but love the Prophet Joseph even more. And this quote he said, I latched right on to:

"I don't care what a man's character is; if he's my friend--a true friend, I will be a friend to him, and preach the Gospel of salvation to him, and give him good counsel, helping him out of his difficulties."

--Joseph Smith

And it got me to thinking, am I true friend? Have I been a good friend to those I really, truly care about? And I know the answer is no. I know there is so much more I could do, I should do. I know since I have gotten caught up in my own little life, I have closed myself off too much from the people who could benefit from my friendship. And I believe my life could be enriched through strengthening friendships.

The lesson came kind of at an interesting time for me. I had recently re-established some old connections with friends on facebook. I was also starting to develop some friends through adoption connections. And one of the conversations I recently had with a friend made me think about the kind of friend I once was, and the kind of friend I would like to be.

Now, I am one of those people who always believes the best of nearly everyone. I can be very forgiving, and I am always hoping that those who struggle to make correct decisions will some day be able to recognize the good person that I see inside them. There was a time in my life when I was very much attracted to these "lost causes", not that I was doing much in the way of trying to save them.

***I must apologize here. I started this post a couple days ago, and never quite figured out where I was going with it, so I just left it. Let's see if I can salvage it and come up with something reasonable to say***

This brings me back to a time, some 16 years ago. I had a friend who had come to me with sort of an apology for the way he had treated me a few years before. I need to be clear, it was nothing bad. I think he was working the 12 step program and felt he needed to make some kind of restitution with me. And then, not much later, I felt the need to reconcile with someone else, a guy I myself had wronged.

I hadn't heard from him in something like 9 months. He had been my boyfriend for a few months a year before. I used to visit him often at his home in Salt Lake. And he came to visit me once in Blanding. But when I told him I was pregnant, he disappeared from my life. He just quit calling. I later found on this was due to some deception on my little brother's part. It turns out the guy had called, but my brother told him I had moved, and he never told me that he had called. It wasn't meant to be, and I know if it had been that important to me, I could have sought him out.

Now, that was what I was doing. I was aware that he had moved, because I hadn't been able to reach him at his old place. I traveled to Salt Lake and went into a store where I knew he had once worked. I asked his old boss if she knew how I could reach him. She was hesitant to tell me. Then I pulled out the locket that the adoptive family had given me as a gift. Inside was a picture of me in the hospital, holding our baby girl one last time before I signed the papers relinquishing my rights to parent her, placing her for adoption. Immediately, the woman gave me the information I needed. There was no phone number, but an address where I could find him.

He was living with another girl. Honestly, that is what he offered me when I told him I was pregnant. But I knew I would never settle for that. And he had misunderstood when I told him no. Later, as we visited, he told me that he thought when I refused to move in with him that meant I believed the baby was someone else's. I was okay with where my decisions leading up to the placement had taken me in my life, and so I felt no regret over this lost relationship. But I did feel badly that there had been some deception, on my part. I felt I owed him some information (although it was very late) about what had happened to his child. I showed him pictures, and explained how I had chosen a family for her, with a big brother and two caring, financially secure parents.

He was devastated, or so he said. Even when I was with him, I knew this guy was a player. He was always flattering me, and playing to my weaknesses. I knew he was full of sh--, even when I had been with him, but I ate up the attention, even as false as it felt. I don't mean to judge him, which I realize it sounds now like I am. I just realized as I was meeting with him again, after so many months, that we were not compatible. It was a time of closure for me.

But he told me his girlfriend he was living with had just recently miscarried their baby after carrying it about 5 months. So this news from me was a double blow. He was really feeling the loss. Then, as his girlfriend went to pay the check for the lunch we had just eaten together, he asked me if we couldn't get back together. Like I said, I was in a good place, and I knew I did not belong with this guy. Not to mention, how faithful can you expect a guy to be when he is asking you out behind his girlfriend's back. I tried to be gentle, but I was honest with him. It wasn't going to happen, but I still wanted to be friends.

I remember he called me a couple weeks later, and wanted to see me. I was coming up to the area anyway, so I agreed. I felt like I owed it to him, to have some kind of relationship, since I had practically given his child away without even asking his input in the matter. I remember visiting in a car, near a movie theatre in the vicinity of the neighborhood where he was currently living. He said he had broken up with his girlfriend. He asked me to kiss him. I told him no. Honestly, his girlfriend was probably back at their apartment. It was all a little suspicious. But it wasn't that stopping me. I just knew I couldn't go there again.

Then he told me I had always been kind of uppity like that. Like I was so much better than him because I was a Mormon, and also I had more money than him. Well, when I was with him, I hadn't realized there was any kind of disparity in our lifestyles. I knew he wasn't LDS, but it obviously didn't stop me being attracted to him. I never realized I had acted like I was better than him. Although I do remember teasing him for the way he pronounced some things. He was from Texas (I think), and some of the things he said were a little different. I am such a grammar snob; I probably was even worse back then.

I remember this set me back a little. I just hate thinking I may have offended someone, or been rude or anything like that. I felt really badly that I had made him feel that way. I always try to be accepting of people, no matter what their lifestyle choices may be. I never meant to be uppity.

When I think about it today, though, I think it is something I still need to work on. I don't mean to exclude people who are not in my same circle of friends, religion, neighborhood, whatever. But I think sometimes I may offend, just because I like to stay in my little comfort zone. You know, how the missionaries come over for dinner and then ask who you know who might be interested in learning the Gospel, and you realize you only ever spend time with the people that you see at Church all the time. I could do better.

I have to postscript the story of Cossette's baby daddy, though. I told him about LDS Social Services, which was the agency I had placed Cossette through. I gave him some paperwork to fill out, so that her parents could know more about her biology. Then, when I asked my counselor if he had received the paperwork, he told me for confidentiality reasons, he couldn't tell me much. He did tell me that the guy had contacted the agency, but he said the name I had given them for him wasn't really his name. His real name was completely different from the name I knew him by. All this time I had known him, "known" him, you know, and I didn't even know him. So, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad for being a snob to him. Maybe when he said that it was just another way of him trying to manipulate me. Boy am I glad those days are over!

Now, as I look back, another thought has occured to me. It seems like her sealing to her family came a little later than expected. I watch my blogging friend going through a court battle with her adopted son's birthfather, and a horrifying realization comes to me. Did he fight the adoption back then? I don't honestly know. Seriously, if the agency withheld information like that from me, after making that sacrifice as a birthmother, I would be so angry. Hmm, I may never know. It's okay. At least I know she is where she belongs. And I am in a good place now. Just trying to be a better friend. All is right in the world.

A weekend journey

Come with me on a journey up to Layton, to the Davis Conference Center, to the Families Supporting Adoption National Conference. This was a journey where I learned so much. I learned more about myself, my anxieties and my strenghts. I learned from others involved in the adoption process, and I discovered ways I can advocate for adoption, and where I stand on adoption reform.

My journey began Thursday evening, as I waited (and waited, and waited) for my husband to return from Provo/Moab/Monticello--a busy work day for him that had started after he drove up the evening before to sell the truck and purchase a new (used) car. We are in the process now of trying to simplify our lives, and provide some relief to our stressed out bank statements. He finally made it home about 5:30, and I finally left the house around 6:00 after I decided I would spare the mileage on our leased van, which is about to be turned back in. Instead, I would take the unlicensed little Honda Civic, which doesn't even have old plates on it.

What I learned from that drive? You notice absolutely every cop on the road when you are doing something you know you shouldn't be. Britt even called to check if it would be a problem for me to drive it, and the word was I would probably be better off if I did not get pulled over. I carried with me the bill of sale, so I could explain my story if needs be. But let me tell you, that was nerve-wracking to say the least. Nerve-wracking also to be tailed closely at night, between Green River and Price, wondering why the heck the guy didn't just pass me. Only to have him follow me into Walker's in Wellington. Traveling alone never freaked me out when I was single. I guess I know too much now. (Or I was just really tired and paranoid).

Friday morning, as I walked into the conference late and alone, I realized that I really wished I had made arrangements to meet with some of my friends from online adoption sites, so I would at least have someone to attend classes with. I was feeling shy and anxious. Worried a little that I was going to be stirring up old feelings that I had forgotten. Here I learned fear is a normal emotion, but it must be faced and is usually easily conquered. I tend to like to stay in the comfort of my home, to not expose myself too much to the unknown, to not take on too many responsibilities where I have the opportunity to fail. I see it is okay to acknowledge my anxiety, but I must not let it hold me back.

And as the day went on, I met dear friends. I ate lunch with some sweet ladies with whom I have only ever communicated in the virtual world. While I tend to be shy both online and in the real world, I realize I do crave that interaction with people who are passionate about the same things as me, people who have either had similar experiences as me, or who have witnessed those experiences with love and compassion. I am so glad I went.
Moving on, I traveled to the nearby mall and began shopping for school clothes for my kids. There I had an experience where I came to realize that my husband loves me and wants what is best for me, although he doesn't always realize how to give it to me (yeah, I know this. Just another reminder). I need to do a better job of communicating what I need. This was an example. I hadn't gotten up early enough to arrive in Layton in time for the first class, but I attended every other event that day, with the exception of the Awards Banquet in the evening. When I called Britt to ask him for some advice on the school clothes shopping I was doing, he reminded me that the reason I was up there was to shop for the kids' school clothes, and the conference was secondary. Um, no. I really needed to be there--at the conference--more than I had even known, and getting the kids some clothes for school while I was up there was just a bonus.


While I was there, I discovered mrs. r is just as beautiful in real life. And so generous. She was physically sick the first day of the conference, but she was still willing to take a minute to visit with me and some other ladies who knew her through the Adoption Voices site. (And hey, if you haven't checked that out yet, you should.) And for as busy as she is, she clearly does so much with adoption advocacy, not just online. She is an inspiration. She was still very concerned about my story, and eager to hear how everything goes with my pursuit to communicate with the family. Meeting her, attending a couple of her classes, just helped to remind me I need to do more. I CAN do more to spread the love for adoption.

This next part of my journey is where I wanted to include a picture of my sweet friend Angie Wager, who I recently found again through facebook. While I was up there, I sent her a message on facebook, saying I would love to meet up with her if she had time, while I was up there. She sent me back a message with her phone number, and I was able to arrange a time to meet. We ended up going out to dinner at the Chili's restaurant by the SouthTowne Mall, where I had been doing more shopping. What a treat that was! Angie still has that beautiful, contageous, thrilling energy. You just can't help but be happy being around her. How I have missed that! This part of my journey made me realize, I need to get out more often. I need to strengthen those relationships, those friendships with people who feed my soul. Oh, Angie, thank you so much for going out of your way to be there for me! (And sorry readers, the picture is just for her and me to share. Her blog is private, and she is single, so she would prefer not to be too exposed on the web.)

There is something else I learned that night at Chili's. For the last couple days I have been trying to figure out how to explain what this experience means in a sensible, non-offensive way. Maybe I read more into it than what it was, but I still feel like there was something for me to learn in what happened. Maybe that is the point more than anything.

I know my Heavenly Father knows me personally and loves me absolutely. I know this. Part of why I know this is because of where I am in my life today. Who I am. How I am. There was a time I didn't know if I could be the kind of person I am today, to be worthy of the blessings I receive daily. I was afraid because of my addictive personality and an addiction that, before my sweet husband, prevented me from having a stable, loving relationship.

You know I just said I don't get out much. So this experience was kind of unique for me. (This is the part where I am reading way too much into this, but bear with me). The waiter in Chili's was flirting with me pretty hard core. Angie was a little embarrassed for me. She said, "You know, it's not me he's flirting with." And I said, "Hush!" because he was standing right behind her at the time. And all the while I was thinking, surely he can see that honking wedding ring on my finger. Maybe he just wanted a good tip. He was laying it on pretty thick, though. Even asking where Blanding was and saying he wanted to go down to that area some day.

But Angie was watching out for me a little, I think, when she offered to pay the full tab. I don't think she wanted the guy to have my name (from my credit card). And she walked me back to my car and watched me drive away. She knew me when. Yeah, I was a little crazy in my college days. For my parents' sake, I won't go into too much description, but you all know a little bit about my adoption experience, so you have some hint of that. Let's just say, if a guy came on to me, and I was even the slightest bit attracted to him, I went for it. I ate up the attention, and I didn't have a lot of common sense when it came to that. Even when I had a boyfriend. Even when I didn't even know the guy. Now, I can see that was crazy, but back then I just couldn't help myself.

And I know, I know sometimes happily married woman are so happy to get that extra attention, they screw up. They make mistakes, huge mistakes because they might feel like they have fallen out of love, or are so attracted to someone and think they won't ever get caught. That woman could have been me.

But this is the part where Heavenly Father knowing and loving me comes in. That was never something I even considered. I didn't flirt back. I didn't covertly share personal information or do anything to pursue this guy. And when I say he was coming on strong, I am not making this up. Maybe he considers married women a more challenging conquest. My point is, this was never even an issue for me. Not at all. And there was a day, some 15 years ago when I couldn't imagine it not being an issue. I really did not know how to behave myself. And as much as I loved the Gospel, my addiction was more compelling than my religion. I feel so blessed to be able to say that is absolutely not true today.

Because I read my scriptures. I attend church and the temple. I serve in my church callings. I celebrate the Gospel in my life. I love my family. I live worthily to be subject to the Spirit. I know I need to do better on my personal prayers. And I need to do more in family, especially with Family Home Evening. But I am headed in the right direction. And that matters. It matters a lot.

I do hope that made some kind of sense. I love where I am so much. The family that I have. The beautiful man who married me and changed my life forever. And man is that they might have joy. And I do. I do.