Overwhelmingly Overdue

I have a thousand and one posts to catch up on, but until I do, here is a {somewhat} brief summary of what we have been up to these past several months:

 In July, we went to Lagoon with our cousins and Grandma Carol and Papa Joe.  Jennilyn and her kids joined us, as well as Shondell and her kids.  Kimberlee came down and played with us, too.  We spent three nights at the Lagoon campground and two days in the park, and we enjoyed every minute of it.

Abbey joined us too at Lagoon on Saturday.  The girls were THRILLED to have her there!  Lagoon was a blast.  Everyone had a marvelous time.  I promise I will post more details later. 

We shopped, and shopped and shopped for new school clothes.  And everyone looked very stylish on their first day of school.

But the only pictures I got were of Olivia and Rachel

We made it to Lake Powell on Labor Day and WE LOVED IT!  Thanks to our good friends the Berretts for taking us with them

It was a lovely day in the sun and on the water

Tyler and Garrett competed in Cross Country

Cole played his first year of high school football.  He played on the C team and on the JV team.  Some of his best plays happened later in the year on the JV team, but I didn't get any decent pictures.  Cole worked out and improved throughout the season.  He is proving that you don't have to be big in size to play big.

We moved.  We found someone to rent our house in the Fifth Ward, and another family hoping to buy our home once they sell theirs.  We now live in the Second Ward, close to the middle school and high school and the Stake Center, where we now attend church.  It is a beautiful home, in a really nice neighborhood, with a great yard with mature landscaping.  FYI, moving sucks.  But I do believe our family can be really happy in this home, for several years to come.

Garrett competed in the Mr. San Juan Pageant.  This was the evening wear portion.  Hmm.

Olivia had a birthday.  She is eight.

She was so excited to be baptized by her dad

I got to see Wicked in Las Vegas with my mother-in-law and sisters.  Thanks again, Charlene!  It was the best time!

Garrett competed with a scene from Romeo and Juliet with his girlfriend Jessie McDaniel.  My girls were amazed to see them kiss on stage.  (They are not together anymore, though)

The girls and I traveled to Logan for the blessing of Chrislynn's baby, Josie.

Chrislynn sewed the dress herself, including gorgeous smocking on the front.  It was really beautiful!

I got caught speeding on the way home (outside of Ogden), and received a warning and a seat belt  violation (Rachel).  Ugh!  It only happens to me when I am driving alone with the girls.

Britt has been teaching the Missionary Prep class for a few years now.  They have seen a great deal of success in the class, and since the announcement by the prophet that young men can serve at age 18, and young women at 19, the class went from averaging about ten students to thirty plus.  It is exciting and overwhelming for Britt.  He does a great job with these young men and women!

You may know Halloween happened, and crazy hair day and other events, and I did not get any pictures, so there will be no posts about that this year.  Sorry.

And of course, I have several posts as well from last year and earlier this year.

But hey, I blogged.  {pats self on back}  And you know what else?  Since we got better high speed internet here, it didn't take nearly as long to upload those pictures, so really I have no excuse.  I promise I will try to post more, if not today, soon.  Thanks for reading.

Fare Well, Elder Bradford

Dear Elder Bradford,

On Monday this week, our family wrote letters to you for Family Home Evening.  I started to compose a letter, but mostly I just helped the younger kids write theirs.  Throughout this week I have transcribed those letters onto DearElder.com so you could receive them this week (I am terrible at sending stuff in the mail).  Unfortunately, I still haven't completed the letter I started for you.  I feel like I should say something profound, something inspiring.  I certainly don't want to bore you with the details of our day to day lives.  I know your time is valuable.

I just want you to know that I am proud to claim you as my nephew.  I love your mother and the wonderful children she has raised, and I am grateful for her friendship.  I am particularly thankful for your friendship and influence with my boys.  So thank you.  Thank you for being the awesome young man that you are, for always taking good care of your sweet mother and the rest of your family, and for all the good things that you are going to do for the people of the Washington, Seattle Mission.  I love you. 

Love,

Nan

 

Deep Thoughts About Life

So, I was reading an email I received this morning. He sent it last night, I guess. But I just saw it this morning. It was my husband's little brother Jesse updating everyone on the family on what is going on with his goals, etc. for the future. I will get into his story a little bit more in a minute. I really hope I can make sense of the things I am meaning to say here and not just ramble incoherently. His email got me thinking about some things that have been ruminating in my brain for a while now. Let's see if I can explain what I mean now.

Remember how I told you I was reading Les Miserables? There is a paragraph in there that just jumped out at me yesterday. It kind of tied in with something I have been thinking about a lot, especially recently. Here is the quote:

"God makes his will visible to men in events, an obscure text written in a mysterious language. Men make their translations instantly; hasty translations, incorrect, full of mistakes, omissions, and misreadings. Very few minds understand the divine language."

Isn't that so true? There was more to the statement, but this was the gist of what I wanted to focus on. And in a minute I am going to start interpreting some of the things I have been trying to understand of God's divine language. So, if you think I get it wrong, please forgive me.

Here is this email from my brother, and he is talking about how he has been working with his bishop to try to go an a mission. A little over a year ago, Jesse was preparing to leave on his mission to Johannesburg, South Africa. Before it was time to enter the MTC, he met with the Stake President and after some counsel, it was determined he would need to wait before serving a mission. I won't go into details, but essentially he had to wait a year to be able to do those things that would allow him to serve a mission. Some of you may not know this, but Britt and I would have had to wait several months to go to the temple for similar reasons when we got engaged. That was why we were married civilly and then went to the temple a year later.

Jesse's email also explained that he had been working with his bishop, but because of extenuating circumstances (vacations, and other things completely out of Jesse's control), the things that needed to happen to give him a chance to re-submit papers for going on a mission had been postponed. And Jesse then received a phone call that his unit with the National Guard is going to be called to Active Duty and deployed in approximately a year. The deployment takes precedence over a church mission, without an official mission call in hand. Did I explain that right, Jesse? If I didn't, I apologize. And here he is explaining it to us, his family, saying how he had done all he could do and now he is at peace with how things have worked out. He will serve a different sort of mission in the military.

And my heart is breaking for him. But I am so proud of how mature he is being about the whole situation. Some of it brings me back to where I was 17 years ago. I was in mourning, because the church had recently come out with a new policy that anyone with any kind of history of sexual misconduct could not serve a mission. I had finally begun straightening out my life, making better choices, working on the repentance process with the goal in mind of serving an LDS Church Mission after I turned 21. But since I had given birth to the baby girl I placed for adoption, I didn't qualify to serve. It really hurt, especially when I knew some of the young men who were preparing to serve missions didn't really qualify, either, but there was no damning evidence against them.

Then, I began dating my future husband. In three short weeks, we were engaged. We were doing everything right together. We wanted to be married in the temple. His bishop was unwilling to budge on the time frame for us. We didn't want to wait. I respect the bishop's decision, but at the time, it was really difficult for us.

What the heck is my point? This wasn't where I originally wanted to go with these thoughts. This is what I am trying to say. So often, people will tell you there is a reason for things, when these unfortunate things happen to us. They will say, "Maybe this is what God had in mind for you after all. Maybe there is a reason this thing happened to you." And this is where I disagree with that statement.

Bad things happen to us all the time. Sometimes we do them to ourselves. Sometimes other people's decisions affect us in a way that causes hardship or pain. Was that Heavenly Father's plan? I don't think so. Let me explain.

Some years ago, three good men from our community passed away in a plane crash. We were devastated, but none so much as their dear families. The thing that stands out to me from one of the funerals I attended then was when one of the church leaders spoke about the losses those families would feel with the absence of those good men, and how the Lord would compensate those losses. I don't remember if compensate was the exact word, but that is the idea I want to share here.

Do I think part of Heavenly Father's plan for me included me sinning and getting pregnant so that I could have a baby and give her to the family that was meant to be hers. Not exactly. I do feel really strongly that she (my birth daughter) and I had a relationship in heaven, before this life. And somehow, we knew, our lives would be connected here; we just didn't know how. I still believe if that hadn't happened, we would have met another way, although I will be forever grateful to her for bringing me back to myself and helping me to become a better person.

I also believe that because of the sacrifice I made then, my Heavenly Father has blessed me in so many ways. More ways than I can name, but there are at least five of them that mean the world to me. That is where the compensation comes in, I think.

Then there is this time now, where her family is not ready to communicate with me again. Was it an act of God that the agency worker misplaced the family's phone number after just briefly communicating with them? Does he have a plan that doesn't allow me to be associated with them now. Is there a reason it is something I am meant to wait for?

Maybe. But maybe not. I cannot precisely read the divine language of these events. Perhaps there is more to it than I know. Or perhaps her family is exercising their agency and in the process of that, they are excluding me, unintentionally hurting me. Another birthmother I have only associated with briefly online is going through a hard time right now, since her birth daughter's family has limited communication more than she would like. Some of her friends have said maybe God has a reason for all this that will some day be made known to her. I suppose that is possible. But I also suppose that it is possible that the parents (in both our situations) are being more influenced by the spirit of fear and doubt than by the whisperings of another Spirit that might tell them to reach out to us, to include us in their lives.

When this sort of situation happens, I believe as long as we are faithful, the Lord WILL compensate us. We will blessed in ways we can't possibly understand. I mean, look at my awesome kids, and all the wonderful things we are able to do together and the joy they bring into my life. Look at what a loving, considerate husband I have been given, who wants so much to help me in whatever way he can.

Maybe I am not meant to know Cosette and her family at this time. Maybe the Lord's time is not my time. Or maybe the Lord is allowing things to happen as they will, and blessing me here and now in the ways that he can.

My ideas here got a little derailed. My brother Jesse (I know, brother-in-law, but that IS how I think of him) is very maturely accepting how things have worked out. Which is absolutely the right thing to do. But here is the part of me saying, Dangitt, why couldn't things have been different for him?! I am grateful for the faith that I have that he will be compensated for the loss of that official Church mission. I know I have been. And I do believe I will still be able to serve someday with my husband. That is our goal.

So then I see my husband's little brothers growing up. Serving our country. His stepbrother Danny has been deployed to Afghanistan already. Here is a picture I stole from Becky's blog. I am sorry, Becky. I don't usually do that, but I couldn't be there, so I am glad I could at least see the pictures she took.

I am scared to death to be letting these little boys go to war. I pray every day for Danny and Jesse (more like every waking minute). I just can't help it. And I am so proud of Kristy for loving Danny and letting him go. We are so grateful for these men who serve our country, but it is SO HARD when they are our own men.

And here is a picture of Jesse, when he left us the first time to go to Basic Training. And we thought we were emotional then.

I am going to find comfort in the idea that God will compensate those losses. Jesse, as long as you continue to put your faith in God and in the atonement of Christ, you will absolutely be blessed for your righteous efforts.

Man, I love you. Thank you for being such a great example for my boys. You are a good man.

One more little thought. Here is an article that I think also applies to this situation:

"Hope ya know, we had a hard time."

God DOES know. He will take care of us, if we will let him. What a blessing, what a learning experience this life definitely is!

And as I said before, please forgive me if you think I got it all wrong.

Women who inspire me--"Cosette"

How do I tell the story of Cosette? How do I honor her today? I have been trying and trying to make myself commit to writing this post, but every time I have a spare minute, I talk myself out of doing it. I don't know why.

It shouldn't be hard. I have written essays about it before. I have shared my story several times within the Families Supporting Adoption groups that Britt and I used to meet with here. I have born my testimony of adoption during special fifth Sunday presentations at various wards throughout town. I even participated in a panel once at the high school, where I talked about how the choices which led me to adoption have affected my life. It really is not a sensitive subject to me. I am not ashamed or afraid of this story.

But I do feel the need to do justice to this tribute to the baby girl who changed my life, and helped me birth my testimony of this Gospel. Not telling it quite right, I think that is what I am afraid of.

Well, let me tell you, anyway. She will forgive me if it doesn't sound perfect.

My mother will tell you at that time in my life, she had been fervently praying that I would gain a testimony of the Church. That used to really bother me, because I always thought I had a testimony; I just didn't fully appreciate how the Gospel, and especially the Atonement worked in my life. Looking back now, I think a critical part of my testimony was missing. And that was--even though I would have denied it--that I did not fully accept that I truly was a child of God, with a divine nature. And as his child, that I truly mattered to my Father and my Savior.

There was a friend of mine waiting in heaven, watching over me as I struggled through this time in my life, when I intentionally made some pretty stupid choices, just trying to find my way. I believe she and I knew each other in the premortal existence, and we both knew that we would have a profound effect on each other's lives on earth. But there she was in heaven, helpless to aid me, frustrated that I couldn't see my way, and how could she be there for me?

Then, she was. She totally was. Just when I needed her most, she came into my life. In the most unexpected way. She was the one. She brought me around. Because of her, I began the repentence process. Because of her, I finally read through all of the Book of Mormon on my own. Because of her, I came to accept and understand the Atonement of the Savior and his love for me. I learned to truly serve others, and to accept the service of others. Because of her, I was able to feel the Spirit, carrying me, comforting me, guiding me. I was able to say, probably for the first time in my life, "Not my will, Lord, but thine be done."

I love her for that. How can I not?

I was not as young as some girls are when they discover their life choices have led them to a place where their choices are no longer just about them, but now include a baby. But I was still very immature, and I knew it. When I realized I was going to have a baby, my first thought was that it was going to have to be adopted. I would be a terrible mother.

For the first time in my life, I started to make arrangements for what would need to be done. I had always had help before. My mother practically had to fill out college applications, scholarship paperwork, make phone calls for me, and anything else that might be considered "responsible" previous to this time. But I did it all on my own this time. I found a place to live. I started the repentence process with the bishop of my new ward. I contacted LDS Social Services to start an adoption plan. I found my own doctor.

I didn't tell my family anything about what I was doing. They thought I was just moving to Logan to get out of Blanding. To find a job and eventually go back to school.

I was five months along, when I told my family. It was tough, but not terrible. I felt good about the decision I had now made, and I believed they would support me. I knew they would be disappointed, but I never doubted their love. (Thank you, my dear family. I will love you always for your patience with me)

Cosette.

The agency that I went to while I was pregnant with Cosette was not exactly what I expected. I walked in the door telling them what I wanted to do with this baby. And they said, "Wait. Wait before you make any decision. Consider your options." That really bothered me. I knew what I wanted to do, so let me get on with it, I thought. They encouraged me to consider whether or not marriage was a possibility. Well, since I hadn't heard from the boyfriend since I told him (I think Tim had something to do with that--thanks, little brother), that didn't seem a possibility. And I knew deep down I did not want to marry him anyway. Think about single parenting, they told me. Why??? Ugh, I know what I want. Wait, step back. Okay, maybe I should listen to them. Maybe I really should weigh my options, write down the pros and cons to each, pray about it.

So, I did. And I always felt right about my first choice, adoption. But I am glad that I received confirmation from the Holy Ghost that this was the right choice. I am grateful that as painful as my life was in the months after she was born, when letters could not come fast enough, and information was way too limited, I NEVER regretted my decision. I owned it. I knew the choice I had made, and I held to it. I believed, and I know the Spirit witnessed to me, that the little girl I held for 9 months and 2 days belonged to the family she is now with.

I am so grateful for the time I had with her. I am so glad that because of her, I finally learned how to really take care of myself. I am grateful that because of her, I got to have a relationship with her dear, sweet parents, who loved me so much. Who prayed for me in my struggles, when I didn't even realize how I was struggling. They helped me overcome my trials and move on. I love them, and I miss that relationship today.

Someday I hope I can meet with her again, and really thank her in words that she can hopefully now understand. I hope she can know that she was my angel. I pray we will be friends again.

She Inspires Me--Kimberly Hurst Glover

Sorry about the picture. Those of you who follow my blog may have noticed, I have added a couple buttons on my sidebar. I just discovered some lovely websites about adoption, and I had to share. But more on that later. And you will see, this post has two parts, because I will be addressing the other "woman" who inspires me relating to this same experience in my life. This is a topic I have been wanting to cover for months, but I hadn't found the right way to do it.

Here we are, it is officially Adoption Awareness Month, and the perfect opportunity for me to express my gratitude for some awesome women in my life.

A little shout out here for Kristy Black who inadvertantly led me to these sites, which inspired me to get serious about posting about this very important part of my life experience.

There are so many reasons Kimberly Hurst Glover is inspirational to me, I could not possibly name them all. Today, I choose to focus on the time she was my friend and birth coach, 15 years ago when I was 19 years old, single, secretly pregnant and planning to place my baby for adoption.

Where do I begin? The first person I told (other than birth daddy--we won't go into that) was my brother, and he of course told his new fiance, Kim. So she was one of the first to know, and she was literally with me all the way. Since I lived in Logan, away from the rest of my family, the two of them were my total support system there.

Kim helped me go to the doctor, and she attended LDS Family Services support groups with me. She helped me find a place to live when the roommate situation didn't work out for me. She kept me entertained during many long days, letting me visit her while she worked at a babysitting job. Oh, Kim. She helped me fall in love with Diet Coke and peanut butter sandwiches. She laughed with me when friends who didn't know any better set me up on a date. (I was a tiny pregnant lady--only that one time, though). She literally took care of me.

And I am sure all she really wanted to do was enjoy being engaged to my sweet brother. They even put off their wedding for my sake. Looking back now, I can believe that must have been tough for them. But a sacrifice willingly given by my future sister-in-law. I love you so much, Kim.

And a memory of that time that stands out so strongly in my mind:

We had gone to the hospital. I was in labor. Man, that was nearly the only time I got to experience what it was like to go into labor on my own. But that's irrelevant to this story. I was sure the nurses would turn me away, but they said I could stay. A couple hours later with the epidural taking full effect--I digress again, but what I wouldn't give to have gotten to partake of that pain-free experience for the delivery of my own five kids--we called some friends to come and give me a priesthood blessing.

I don't remember the words. I can't even honestly say I remember the feeling. But I do remember what my beautiful future sister-in-law said right after the blessing. She said she was impressed by how strong the Spirit was in that little labor and delivery room. And I missed it.

That has always struck me. Was it because the Spirit had been watching over me during that whole blessed experience, the pregnancy, the adoption process? Did I simply take it for granted? Or was it that I was so consumed with myself that I did not recognize that wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost, surrounding me, waiting for me to receive it? I always wonder about that.

So, the thing about this fabulous lady, Kimberly Glover, that inspires me the most, is her ability to recognize the Spirit. May I always be in tune enough to recognize this unique blessing in my life, as she was then in that remarkable time in both of our lives.

I have to add that of course this wonderful woman also inpires me because of her strength in overcoming the MANY adversities involved with infertility issues and the process of adopting her second and third child. I know for her, it has not always been easy to keep the faith, but I LOVE that she has. And I absolutely love her, more than she can possibly know.