Composing a letter to my birth daughter

A few months ago I went to a movie with my daughters. And throughout the movie and especially during the last part, I bawled my eyes out. The movie was Tangled, and parts of Rapunzel's story paralleled mine in ways I can't really explain. I have since watched the DVD with my kids and I still cry every time.

I want you to know, I do not feel like my daughter was stolen from me. That was a choice a made, nothing like what happened to Rapunzel. But that part at the end where 18 year old Rapunzel was finally united with her parents, terrifying and thrilling at the same time, that moment was so poignant for me. It spoke to me. Will I get to have that moment? Is it coming soon? Will it be a positive thing, or will it be traumatic for both of us? I just don't know.

When I first saw the movie I had no clue that my husband had been trying to orchestrate a reunion with my birth daughter through communicating with LDS Family Services, the agency through which I placed my daughter for adoption nearly 18 years ago. I really didn't know if there was any chance I would be able to meet her, or that she would even want to. I didn't know if she chose to find me if there would be any kind of record or trail for her to follow. There were just so many unknowns. But if she did want to meet I hoped it would be a beautiful, happy moment, like in the movie.

You may remember I contacted someone at the agency that is over our area a while back. And they told me they would do everything they could to help me reopen the lines of communication with her family. But a couple months later when I received a call telling me they didn't actually have current contact information for the family, I got discouraged. They told me I should still put something together, and they would hold it while they tried to find the family. But I just didn't want to send something not ever knowing if it was going to get anywhere. The not knowing is the worst. So I did nothing.

And then I received an email from my husband:

Nan,

I hope you have an outstanding day, I know I'm going to. I just got a phone call that brought tears to my eyes because of how happy you are going to be when I tell you about it. I have been working on a special surprise for you over the last few months, it won't happen for a few more months, but at least now I know it's going to happen. I can't wait to tell you about it, sorry to keep you hanging, but I have to tell you about it in person, and I just had to share how excited I was after getting this call.

Love you forever,

Britt

What was his news? He had been talking to the agency and they didn't think they would be able to find the family, but then they did. And her family had already reunited with her older brother's birthmother. That had been a positive experience and they were open to something like that for us. They decided we should initially communicate through the agency and then maybe arrange a meeting after she graduates from high school. So, I have known about this since the end of March.

So, I immediately put together a letter, right?

Uh, not exactly.

I don't know how to explain to you the torrent of emotions this whole scenario brings for me. I had already been anticipating the silent turmoil I was going to experience around the time of her 18th birthday. There would be wondering whether she even thought about me, if there was any desire on her part to know me, if she would pursue it, or if there would continue to be years of separation, possibly never meeting again until some time in the next life. I have prepared myself for that possibility. It is difficult to acknowledge, but very real.

But now there is an opportunity for us to communicate again. Exciting, right? Terrifying. Where do I begin? How do I fit in? I received many wonderful letters from that family. I knew they had loved me. But it has been 13 years since we last communicated. She is not a little child anymore. Maybe she resents me for not being part of her life, even though I was never given that option and it pains me terribly that we couldn't have known each other more.

Am I ready to open myself to the potential pain or the possible joy this new relationship (with both her and her family) could bring into my life? How could I write that letter, re-introducing myself to them? It was truly a daunting task. I say was, because I am smiling and somewhat relaxed as I type this. The letter is in the mail.

It is huge, so many pages to her family, describing my life, telling them about my kids. And then two special letters addressed just to her, one from my husband and the one I just completed today trying to tell her how much I have loved her.

I don't very often veer off the adoption sites where dear friends of mine share their testimonies of the joys that can be associated with adoption. There are some nasty people out there who decry the horrors of adoption and the "terrible" people who they say mislead young women to allow their babies to be taken from them. And they say how horrible it is for a child to grow up knowing it was adopted, how it is such a great tragedy.

I would never want her to feel that way, but I can't help but acknowledge that maybe she would. I don't want her to hate me. I did what I know was right. I know she was raised in the family in which she was meant to be. But that doesn't mean I have never missed her, or felt sad for the loss that choice created in my life. There are so many emotions associated with this whole process. Even right choices have hard consequences.

Now, I wait. This will be a difficult time also. I hope my husband and family will be patient with me. This whole process is stirring up so many dormant emotions. Emotions that are both good and bad, kind of a turmoil of feelings. I remember that first year, when I would wait in agony for a letter and/or pictures. A friend of mine told me I always got kind of crazy when a letter would finally arrive. It is hard to understand if you haven't been in that situation. It is such a joyful, wonderful thing and at the same time a painful reminder of what you gave up.

I am so grateful for Britt for his part in making this happen. When it all happens, eventually when it all comes together, I think it will be fun for our families to make this new connection. But if you would, would you pray for me? None of this is as easy as it would seem to be. I need a little extra help to survive this joy.

These pictures are pages from an album I started for Cosette 8 years ago. Hopefully I can complete it soon. Click on the pages to view them larger. Maybe I will share some of the journaling with you later. If you want to know more of my adoption journey, click the label on the sidebar there that says adoption. Thank you.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

We don't usually officially celebrate Cinco de Mayo around here, but we have some friends that do. So, Britt asked me this morning if I could make some yummy Mexican food in honor of the day. Here are some of the things I am planning to make:

Cafe Rio Pork

This recipe comes from Eryka's friend, Amberly. I found the recipe one day when I was stalking her blog. I used to do that a lot, but I don't really have time anymore even to visit my friends' blogs. It's okay. I am not complaining. It is not a bad sort of busy. Just so many good things to occupy my time. You may be able to find the recipe on her blog. It was forever ago, and I didn't feel like searching. So, if you want the recipe I will include it at the end of this post. Also, Amberly actually attributed the recipe to another friend of hers, but I don't know her, so I just say I stole it from Eryka's friend. The truth is, I don't have a pork roast right now, and if I did I still wouldn't have enough time to make it so it falls apart the way we like it, so my slow cooker is actually full of this recipe and boneless skinless chicken breasts. It is yummy that way, too (and less fatty, which we like).

Cafe Rio Rice

Neither one of these recipes is an official Cafe Rio recipe. Just something someone did when they were trying to mimic the restaurant chain. This one is from my friend LeeAnn Parker. I do not know how I got a hold of this recipe since it is in the Blanding Fourth Ward Cookbook from a few years ago and I am not in that ward nor do I have a copy of the cookbook. This is a recipe everyone raves about whenever I make it, so I will include it at the end here as well.

If I had time, I would make this:

Simmered Tomatillo-Serrano Chile Sauce

This is a recipe I found on the food blog of another friend of Eryka's. I have wanted to email here and tell her what a sweetheart I think she is (and this just from reading her food blog a few times!), but I am too shy to do that. So, just so you know, Eryka, I love your friend. And I love this recipe. It makes me cry it is so good. I was looking for a way to use the tomatillos I got in a Bountiful Baskets Mexican pack, and this was the PERFECT recipe. What, you don't get Bountiful Baskets? I am sorry. Maybe you live in a place where you can find quality produce for low prices. I hope so. We LOVE, love, love our Bountiful Baskets. Getting Bountiful Baskets encourages us to be more healthy and creative with our meals.

Of course, I will be making this:

Mom's Guacamole Recipe

Chop Finely:

3 green onions or equivalent amt. regular onion

1 sm tomato

6 peeled avocados

Add

1 tsp salt

2 tsp lemon juice

2 Tbsp mayonnaise

1 tsp salda oil

few drops of Tabasco

I am considering making

Brazilian Lemonade

Thanks, Mallory Bilbao for originally referring me to the Our Best Bites blog. I love their recipes and they even occasionally throw in simple and fun craft ideas too!

We will also be having fresh salsa (courtesy of Clark's Market), chips, fajita chicken, sauteed onions and peppers, taco meat, refried beans (from a can), black beans (from a can), sour cream, and chopped tomatoes. All of this will be served with fresh tortilla chips and flour and corn tortillas from Bountiful Baskets.

We made street tacos with those corn tortillas and some left over roast beef the other day. So yummy, and it was a super fast meal, too. Bonus! I like when I can make completely different meals with the same basic ingredients. We don't do leftovers here, but if we can re-invent something for a whole new meal, that's a huge deal.

Hey, did I just make you hungry? Your family isn't doing anything for Cinco de Mayo? Well, there are only seven of us here, and I am making a TON of food, so come on over! Around sixish, okay? It's going to be tasty!

Here are the Cafe Rio Pork and Cafe Rio Rice Recipes:

Cafe Rio Pork (please read all the instructions; don't just throw the ingredients together or it may be too hot for you to consume)

1 1/2 cans Coca-cola classic--do not use substitutes

1 c sugar

1 (7 oz.) can Chipotle Chilies in Adobo sauce (I personally think this is better than plain Adobo sauce, though it does require more effort)

1 heaping tsp dry ground mustard

1 heaping tsp cumin

1 tsp minced garlic

1 3-5 pound pork loin roast

Remove the chilies from the can of adobo sauce. I do this by dumping the chilies and sauce into a strainer, retaining the sauce in a bowl under the strainer. I rinse the can with the Coke, and I pour the Coke over the chilies to get the most sauce out of it. Amberly says you can add a couple chilies in a blender if you want it spicy. I have done this before and liked it, but my kids refused to eat it. Add all the other ingredients in a blender (except the pork of course). Blend until well mixed. Place the pork (or chicken) in the crock pot and pour sauce over it. Cook on low for 7-9 hours or until pork pulls apart with a fork. (Chicken actually takes less time, which is why I am using it today :) 5 or 6 hours).

We like Cafe Rio Pork rolled in flour tortillas that have been heated on an oiled skillet with Cafe Rio Rice and warmed black beans and a little bit of shredded cheese. We cover the rolled filled tortillas with green enchilada sauce or the above-mentioned tomatillo sauce and extra shredded cheese and heat. It is SOOO tasty. And then a little Cafe Rio Rice on the side, serve with some sour cream, tomatoes, and chips and salsa.

Cafe Rio Rice

(clean out the blender)

3 c water

4 tsp chicken bouillon

4 tsp. garlic minced

1/2 bunch cilantro

1 can green chilies

3/4 tsp salt

1 T butter

1/2 onion (I prefer green onions; I use about 3)

3 c Minute Rice premium rice

Blend cilantro, green chilies, onion and 1 cup water together. Bring water and bouillon to a boil and add all ingredients. Simmer 30 minutes, covered. (I can get away with doing this for less time, like 15-20 minutes. Minute rice only needs to cook for 5, but the other ingredients just need a little extra time to meld the flavors).

It's good stuff. I think we are going to be eating Mexican for a few days now. Cafe Rio at my house tonight! :)