Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It's coming--I am almost there

Do you ever just say something, and after it is out of your mouth, you realize that that particular moment may not have been the best time to share exactly what you had on your mind? Whenever this happens to me, I just feel like hibernating for months, so I don't have to go out in public again, and make a total fool of myself.

Adoption has been on the brain this last month for me.

Especially my personal adoption experience.

So, I was at the church for a craft activity with the ward last night. Etching on glass dishes. Apparently they have to be new glass casserole dishes, because the etching stuff did not stick to my pans. Oh well.

Rylee Lyman was there. She was babysitting the extra kids and also working on her own glass pan. Her mother, Patty was in the background helping everyone else. This is the part where I make myself feel like a fool.

Rylee was teasing her mother about how old she is. She's not that old, but she and Bruce were married several years before they adopted Sydney, and Rylee two years later. Rylee became part of the Lyman family a little bit less than a year after I placed "Cosette" for adoption. Rylee has always been special to me. This is because she is a tangible witness to me of the love with which "my" little girl has been blessed, I am quite sure, within her own family.

Patty and Rylee's birth family had a face-to-face meeting. I had participated in one of the first ever face-to-face at LDS Family Services, where the birth parent and adoptive family actually get to see and talk to each other. They did not allow us to use our real names, and they were very diligent about making sure we did not exchange any identifying information. When we corresponded, they screened the letters to be certain nothing that would give away our true identities or locations would be divulged. I hated that. I wanted to know the family better, but back then, LDS Social Services believed that keeping everything private and closed was the best way to go. (It is a lot different now).

Well, Patty and Rylee's birth mother made a point of secretly exchanging information. Rylee's birth mother even went so far as to send Rylee a gift package which included a Disney princess movie. But the video inside was actually a video of labor and delivery when Rylee was born. Outside of the agency, they began calling each other, and they continued to correspond well beyond the bounds of what LDS Social Services allowed. Bruce and Patty attended the birth mother's temple sealing about a year later. Rylee often goes with the birth mother's family on vacations. Her birth brother has even come here to visit.

I have always been a little jealous of the openness of their relationship. I even tried to secretly send my address to the family in one of the letters we exchanged through the agency, but I never heard from them via regular mail. I suppose some people are terrified of having a true relationship with the birth mother, because they think she might change her mind, or stalk their family.

This is not my point, though. I was telling you about how Rylee made a comment about her mother being so old. When, out of the blue, I tell her, when I was selecting an adoptive family for the baby I had before Britt and I were married, I was seriously freaking out about how old they were. Since they were already 30, I was afraid they might be dead before I even had a chance to meet them again.

And the air got cold. I felt like such a fool. A couple people in the room were asking me for more details about my experience. But I could tell I had possibly offended others. I don't know who. Still, I remember having that same distinct feeling after I shared part of my adoption story at a Relief Society retreat when I lived in Mesa. The time that the bishop later reprimanded me for telling about my adoption experience.

I am sorry. Like I said, adoption on the brain.

I am almost ready to pay tribute to Cosette.


Worthy Glover Sr. or Gail Glover said...

Been there -- Done that! Wish I could take it back. Prayers are with you for solace!

Kim said...

Nan, I think it's healthy to share your feelings with other people. I admire the way you speak openly, and I know it has blessed others. It opens up dialogue and increases awareness. Thanks for sharing with us!

david said...

Sweetie, remember you made your repentance, talking about your experience and feelings is not a sin, you did nothing wrong. You only need to worry about one judge.

Kd and Clay said...

Oh I wish people could be more open-minded and less judgmental. You SHOULD be able to talk about it! I am sorry that happened to you. Love you!

Becky said...

I have no idea what happened, but I want you to know that I think the world of you and the decisions you have made in your life. I hope you are doing better. Hang in there, girl! You know your heart and your intent. Others may judge and jump to conclusions too fast...remember where your heart is. If others can/won't see that, then it is there issue. I love ya and am here if needed! Again, hang in there!

malandbrian said...

I am the same way as you, I say dumb things all the time and wanting to crawl into a hole is exactly how I feel! Which is probably why I just usually don't say anything at all. Anyway, I did hear the last bit of the conversation, but you don't need to worry about it. I think it's great that you are so open about it. You did a great thing putting your baby up for adoption and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it or feel like you shouldn't speak of it!

Lesli said...

Nan - you are an incredible woman who sets a wonderful example everyday for how a mother and wife should be. I believe you should be able to share experiences without being judged! It is so important we learn and grow from each other!

I love that you are sharing your story - that takes courage and allows us to share in who you are!

Kristy said...

Don't ever apologize for being open and honest about the past. I think it's healthy to talk about it, although I know how you feel. I've always felt judged by others because of my past. I guess that's partly why starting a blog was soo hard for me, just thinking others would judge me, when they don't know me, and anybody who knows you, knows what a great person you are. Don't even worry about it, just keep on being you.

Andrea said...

I was there Nan. I wouldn't worry about it. I thought it was hilarious that you thought thirty was so old when you were younger. I hope you don't mind that I shared it with Josh. We both had a good laugh about it. I think you are amazing, and I love reading your posts. I am sure you have helped a lot of people that you don't even know about.