Monday, January 31, 2011

I need to apologize

I feel like I owe you an apology. I haven't been here for you. I haven't been myself. I feel like I am not even sure who that is anymore. I am sorry. For a long time, I have been feeling out of sorts. For too long, I have been selfish. Selfish in that I am not giving fully of myself to anyone. To anyone, but especially to myself.

And therein lies the problem.

I am not here. I gave up on myself a while back. I quit taking care of myself. I quit doing the things I love. I don't even do the things I like, really. And I don't love the things that I do, and I feel like I should. I know I should enjoy life more. I know that I should be able to celebrate the things I do for my family, that I should be able to find joy in service--I have felt that way before, so I know it is possible. But recently, especially recently, my feelings sometimes border on resentment. And that makes me sad, . . . and angry. Because I love my family, and normally I love taking care of them, even doing the dishes and the cooking and the laundry and the cleaning, which I am so bad at. I can sometimes handle being bad at it when I forgive myself, when I know I am doing my best, and it really is good enough for most of them, most of the time.

But I am just sad, and pathetic.

Not here for you, not here for them. I go through the motions. I know I look like I am doing okay. I work hard at that now, more than the other stuff, looking okay. But my kids are feeling my unhappiness. I see it rubbing off on them. And I know it sucks being married to me.

And I am sorry to be dumping this on you now.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to worry. I promise you I am going to try to do better. If I can figure out how.

I want you to know it is not your fault. It started with me. It started the day I said, "I can do without." And when I said, "I am willing to make sacrifices to help things get better for us." I suppose I thought I was trying to be noble or something. But I cut out my "nail therapy." I gave up my craft/girl/social time. I quit volunteering at the school. It took too much of my time and attention. I couldn't make it to Autism support group meetings, anymore. Do they even still do that? I gave up the Drug and Alcohol Prevention Coalition (maybe--she still wants me to be involved). I used to run. Running was what helped me overcome that crazy post-partum depression after I had Olivia. That and listening to the "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" podcast while I ran. How many months of that do I have saved on my computer to listen to someday? You know I don't do crafts anymore, a little card-making or crochet, unless it is required for a church assignment, cub scouts or Relief Society. It takes too long. It makes too much of a mess. I don't even know if I would enjoy it, if I could really find the time to do it.

Something I have learned about myself is I take a long time to do things. A Loooong Time. I do. I know it. A lot of it has to do with my Adult ADD. I tried medication for it once. It didn't help. Just made me more anxious about the fact that I still couldn't focus. Being this way means I have to choose. I sometimes like to make long to-do lists and then get discouraged when I am lucky to get two things done on those lists. I know I am distractible.

But the problem comes in the part where I told you I have to choose. I guess at some point I decided that maybe somehow I would do better at the things I HAVE to do if I quit doing the things I WANT to do.

Have you noticed that? I hardly get on my computer anymore, and I used to LOVE to blog. One of the things that messed that up was how much I hated going private! But then I stopped even visiting your blogs anymore, or commenting. I am sorry I have been such a snob. But that's a time-consuming thing, right? Something I should only do once I have gotten my other responsibilities done? I admit I am even bad about returning emails lately. I am in hibernation mode here. I am not reaching out, because I don't want you guys to see me this way.

But here I am.

I miss you. Didn't we used to be friends? I find myself become more isolated, which simply makes me more miserable. It's a cycle, you know. I have started to forget how much you guys care about me. But I know you do. I KNOW you do. You don't have to say anything. I care about you, too. I see you. I am sorry I haven't been here for you, but I am trying to do better.

So, today I go un-private. That's one of my steps away from the darkness. I am also now saying my own morning prayers. I am going to start running again. I am afraid that means early mornings, and I am not happy about that. But somehow I am going to do it. Olivia wants me to crochet again. I am going to add a little project to my evening routine. I think it will help me relax. And crochet is not too messy, right?

Please forgive me. I have not meant to be so selfish. I want to do better


Suz said...

I know this probably wasn't meant for me to read, Nan. But I appreciated it. And please don't apologize. Because then I'll feel the need to do so as well. And my list is really long and very selfish. Run. Crochet. Breathe. And add to your list "laugh." I've added it to my list of "fixing me" and am encouraged by you. I really want to run...or need to. maybe that's what our problem is. We think it's a 'want' an extra something we get to do when we've done all the 'needs' that we think have to happen first. And perhaps it's the other way around. Thank you for sharing part of you. (((hugs))) and <3's.

THE CHRIS' said...

I could've sworn that I wrote this post. Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't. I hope you are doing ok. You have always been wonderwoman in my eyes! Take care of yourself and start living. Perhaps I should take my own advice!

Amy Bartlett said...

Wow Nan! You have such a way with words and I so appreciate these! I have felt so many of the same ways since moving here. I have shut myself off and given up so much of my life. Thank you for helping me to see what is out of wack with my life by sharing your experiences. You are an amazing person and I know you will suceed! Thanks for being brave and sharing!

Becks said...

Hey Nan - I can't run anymore, but I do workout every morning at 5:30 with Kathryn. And, well...she will be leaving me in the not too distant future, so if you ever need an early morning workout buddy, let me know. We are getting an annual family pass to the rec center, so that is where I will be found most mornings...feel free to join me ya, girl!!!

Danelle said...

Welcome back! Keep on truckin'! I sure hope this blog post helps you get back on track with joy and happiness! Because you deserve them!

Chrislynn said...

I've missed you! I have been checking your blog, I hope you have been checking mine. Love you!