I feel like I owe you an apology. I haven't been here for you. I haven't been myself. I feel like I am not even sure who that is anymore. I am sorry. For a long time, I have been feeling out of sorts. For too long, I have been selfish. Selfish in that I am not giving fully of myself to anyone. To anyone, but especially to myself.
And therein lies the problem.
I am not here. I gave up on myself a while back. I quit taking care of myself. I quit doing the things I love. I don't even do the things I like, really. And I don't love the things that I do, and I feel like I should. I know I should enjoy life more. I know that I should be able to celebrate the things I do for my family, that I should be able to find joy in service--I have felt that way before, so I know it is possible. But recently, especially recently, my feelings sometimes border on resentment. And that makes me sad, . . . and angry. Because I love my family, and normally I love taking care of them, even doing the dishes and the cooking and the laundry and the cleaning, which I am so bad at. I can sometimes handle being bad at it when I forgive myself, when I know I am doing my best, and it really is good enough for most of them, most of the time.
But I am just sad, and pathetic.
Not here for you, not here for them. I go through the motions. I know I look like I am doing okay. I work hard at that now, more than the other stuff, looking okay. But my kids are feeling my unhappiness. I see it rubbing off on them. And I know it sucks being married to me.
And I am sorry to be dumping this on you now.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to worry. I promise you I am going to try to do better. If I can figure out how.
I want you to know it is not your fault. It started with me. It started the day I said, "I can do without." And when I said, "I am willing to make sacrifices to help things get better for us." I suppose I thought I was trying to be noble or something. But I cut out my "nail therapy." I gave up my craft/girl/social time. I quit volunteering at the school. It took too much of my time and attention. I couldn't make it to Autism support group meetings, anymore. Do they even still do that? I gave up the Drug and Alcohol Prevention Coalition (maybe--she still wants me to be involved). I used to run. Running was what helped me overcome that crazy post-partum depression after I had Olivia. That and listening to the "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" podcast while I ran. How many months of that do I have saved on my computer to listen to someday? You know I don't do crafts anymore, a little card-making or crochet, unless it is required for a church assignment, cub scouts or Relief Society. It takes too long. It makes too much of a mess. I don't even know if I would enjoy it, if I could really find the time to do it.
Something I have learned about myself is I take a long time to do things. A Loooong Time. I do. I know it. A lot of it has to do with my Adult ADD. I tried medication for it once. It didn't help. Just made me more anxious about the fact that I still couldn't focus. Being this way means I have to choose. I sometimes like to make long to-do lists and then get discouraged when I am lucky to get two things done on those lists. I know I am distractible.
But the problem comes in the part where I told you I have to choose. I guess at some point I decided that maybe somehow I would do better at the things I HAVE to do if I quit doing the things I WANT to do.
Have you noticed that? I hardly get on my computer anymore, and I used to LOVE to blog. One of the things that messed that up was how much I hated going private! But then I stopped even visiting your blogs anymore, or commenting. I am sorry I have been such a snob. But that's a time-consuming thing, right? Something I should only do once I have gotten my other responsibilities done? I admit I am even bad about returning emails lately. I am in hibernation mode here. I am not reaching out, because I don't want you guys to see me this way.
But here I am.
I miss you. Didn't we used to be friends? I find myself become more isolated, which simply makes me more miserable. It's a cycle, you know. I have started to forget how much you guys care about me. But I know you do. I KNOW you do. You don't have to say anything. I care about you, too. I see you. I am sorry I haven't been here for you, but I am trying to do better.
So, today I go un-private. That's one of my steps away from the darkness. I am also now saying my own morning prayers. I am going to start running again. I am afraid that means early mornings, and I am not happy about that. But somehow I am going to do it. Olivia wants me to crochet again. I am going to add a little project to my evening routine. I think it will help me relax. And crochet is not too messy, right?
Please forgive me. I have not meant to be so selfish. I want to do better