Friday, October 21, 2011

Closing the door

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me.  I am not yet ready to tell you why.  I am still holding out hope that something good will eventually come out of the grief I have been experiencing.

Today, I made a phone call.  I didn't even ask to talk to her, because I knew it would be a wasted effort.  I have been playing a vicious game of phone tag with her all week.  This time, I simply asked to be sent directly to her voicemail.

Today,  I requested that Sandy send my letters to my birth daughter and her family back to me.  I left my address on the voice mail just in case she has lost or forgotten that, too.

I am closing that door.

It is not worth it.  Not worth believing she really will do something about it.  Not worth trying to get her attention.  Not worth feeling like I am harassing an agency that once promised to do anything and everything for me.  It is so not worth it.

I am closing the door.  I am letting go of that struggle.  Now, I am hoping with that door slammed shut, there will be some wide, clear-paned windows opening soon, because it is getting awful dark around here.

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