Of licenses and library cards

This was the little voice on the phone yesterday, while I was working at the office after the kids got out of school, "Mo-om, canRachelandIgotothelibraryrightnowandgetlibrarycards?" Yes, that is the way Tyler talks. You really have to concentrate if you want to understand what she is saying. My answer to her was wait an hour and I will go with you to the library.

"MOO-OOM,wecangotothelibrary. We're not babies!" she tells me. I try to explain to her that the library won't give her a library card without a parent, but she is on a mission. Finally, I relent. You can go to the library, I tell her, but just to look at books. You won't be able to get a library card. And you have to take Olivia, too. You can't just leave her home alone.

"OfcoursewewouldbringOlivia," I can practically see her eyes rolling through the phone. Okay, I tell her. Hang out at the library for a little while and I will meet you there when I get off work to get your library cards.

For the past several months, I have avoided the library like the plague. The guilt that would wash over me just when I drove past the building was nearly enough to keep me away forever. Whenever I had a little extra money in my account (almost never), I would think, I am going to go down to that library and pay for those missing books. But inevitably I did not make the time to stop there, and inevitably, the money disappeared too fast.

But yesterday, when those girls showed up at the office just a few minutes after that phone call--"Theywouldn'tgiveusalibrarycardtheysaidyouhavetobethere"--I knew this was the time to settle my debts with the San Juan County Library. It was time to get my reading license back.

So, I walked into that library with those rowdy little girls--I used to take them to Story Hour all the time, but not after I lost those books--girls who didn't quite comprehend the whole you need to be quiet and calm in a library thing. Rachel had been there on a field trip recently. Olivia informed me she comes all the time with Amanda to Story Hour. Tyler was just excited to have access to all these books besides all the books she likes to bring home from the school library.

First, I went up to the librarian and explained my situation. He didn't quite get the whole story, because the truth is, I didn't lose those books, not really; it was just crazy circumstances. But he did tell me that since I had paid lots of fines for them already, for a processing fee, he could remove the offending books from my account. I was expecting to pay over $30, and instead it was only $6. Six bucks! I have been suffering all this time for six bucks! That is just insane.

Then, I filled out the paperwork for the girls' library cards. While they were being processed, the girls wandered the library, searching for a treasure to bring home. Olivia found hers right away, but Tyler asked the librarian how many books she could get. The silly man did not give her a limit. I did. I said three was enough. The librarian explained to each of the girls the importance of taking care of the books, and being responsible. He then reminded me that I was accountable for these books as well as the ones I check out with my own library card, kind of hinting about the previous lost book debaucle. And I nodded profusely. Oh yes, I take the stewardship of these books very seriously. I will do my best to keep track of them. To be able to check out books again is such a blessing.

What a relief to have that taken care of. I honestly wish I hadn't waited so long.

That and my driver's license which has been expired since July. I could have sent the paperwork in, which I filled out as soon as I received it, but at the time, I just didn't have 20 bucks for the processing fee. I know that is silly now, but I really didn't. I just couldn't afford it. So I didn't do it. And then Britt reminded me it would be more expensive to do it at the DMV here, and he said they would make me take another test.

I honestly didn't think the part about the test was true, but I still put off doing anything more with that. It was always in the back of my mind, knowing I needed to do something, but I just didn't have the time. Then, I found out the DMV is only open here in Blanding on Monday and Tuesday. No way could I make it there on Monday. Monday's are just too busy here at work. And on Tuesday's, I am working and getting ready for cub scouts. They are just not good days.

But this Tuesday, I got ready for the day with a driver's license picture in mind. At some point in that day, I decided, I was going to go down there.

And then I let the day slip away. Britt told me how nice he thought I looked that day, and I told him it was because I was thinking of going to renew my license, but it was almost too late now. He told me to go ahead and leave work early. I decided I would wait in line, and if it took too long, I would just leave, and wait until next week. So, I got there, along with everyone else in the county. And we waited and waited.

But it really wasn't that bad. And it only cost me $25, just five more than the mail-in fee. And my picture really isn't very good, but it is done. Now I will have a legal license, when it comes in the mail soon. And I even made it to pick up Olivia and go to cub scouts in time.

Crazy how these nagging things we need to do can weigh us down for so long. Then, when we finally get them done, they really weren't so bad, after all. What else can I let go of? This feels really good.

Almost a grandma

This is my mother, sixteen years ago, holding what would have been her first grandchild. Enjoying this precious baby girl as much as she possibly could before it was time to let her go. Being a parent is tough. I am so not looking forward to my girls' teenage years. (I almost deleted that. Part of me is excited for it, and part of me really dreads it). Pray that my darling girls never put me through anything like what I did to my poor parents.

Here is a copy of the letter my mom wrote to the adoptive parents:

June 13, 1993

Dear Parents,

As the birth grandmother of your beautiful new daughter I would like to express my support for the process that is taking place. This has truly been one of the most difficult experiences our family has ever faced, but without a doubt, we have felt the hand of the Lord throughout the ordeal.

I would like you to know that our daughter was raised in a Christ-centered home. We hold regular Family Home Evenings, Family Council (every Fast Sunday), family prayer and scripture study, and we attend our church meetings as a family. We also do fun things together. One month ago, we all went to Southern California together and had a wonderful time! The joke is that your little daughter is only a few days old, and already she has been to Disneyland, Universal Studios, Sea World, the beach, and the Grand Canyon!

I guess the reason I'm telling you a little about us is so that you won't think that we are a dysfunctional family from which our daughter sought escape in an immoral lifestyle. The fact is that we have been loving and supportive of our child throughout this experience, even though it hurt us deeply to find her in these circumstances. We want you to know that your child's pre-natal experiences have been filled with love and stability.

Our daughter participated in some inappropriate behavior for which she (and we) are certainly paying some very heavy consequences, but we have all learned some important lessons from all of this.

Before I get into that, however, I want to tell you a little about our daughter so that you may understand your daughter's heritage a little better. Our daughter is a lovely, fair-haired petite child who never weighed over 100 lbs until the past few months. She is intelligent and articulate and enjoys a good argument. I wouldn't be surprised to see her become a lawyer someday! She is a published author, and her writings have won awards in regional competitions. She was also a Sterling Scholar runner-up in English during her senior year in High school. She is a beautiful, smart, talented young lady who is learning to love and respect herself better.

We were truly devastated as a family when we learned of our daughter's condition, because it was so opposed to everything we had taught her. We recognize now that it was not an affront to our teaching but merely her exercise of free agency. We also recognize that Heavenly Father loved her enough to allow her to experience the consequences of that choice. Parents, please know what I know--that even though in the strictest terms, this beautiful baby was not conceived in love, in a very real way she was conceived out of Heavenly Father's love for you! {and for me, you know ;) } I firmly believe that He knew you needed this little girl, and He chose our daughter as a means of bringing her to you. As difficult as it has been to endure this ordeal with our daughter, it has also brought us closer to the Lord and to her. We pray sincerely that your eternal life together with your loving family will be blessed by the knowledge that our prayers will always be with you for success and joy in the eternities. May we meet there and embrace one day.

With Love,

"Birth Grandma"

P.S. Excuse the workmanship on the little dress. I was rushed--and buttonholes are not my forte! It was made with love, anyway!

Sorry, Mom. Love you.

Letting Go

For my National Adoption Month post, today I have a poem from my "Cosette" scrapbook. It is a good one because it applies to birthmothers "letting go" and also adoptive couples who have to "let go" of some things to be able to open themselves up to the possibilities of adoption.

Of course, it is just a good poem for anyone, but you can see how it applies:

LETTING GO

Letting go does not mean to stop caring;

it means I can't do it for someone else.

Letting go is not to cut myself off;

it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable;

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit powerlessness;

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another;

it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

but to be supportive.

It's not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome;

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

Letting go is not to be protective;

it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue;

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires;

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize and regulate anybody;

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past;

but to grow and live for the future.

Letting go is to fear less and live more.

A little background into my story

Obviously, my support and love for adoption is not centered entirely in my own experience, but it did provide the foundation for me. I know very few people have had their testimony of Heavenly Father's plan for each of His children built in the way that mine was. But I also know that each of us do have similar threads in our experiences that tie us together, those little things that connect us, when we can relate to something someone else says or does. I hope my little story can touch others in this way. I hope I can make it meaningful for you, as it has been for me.

So, I apologize for focusing so much on my own little journey. In many ways, it is just easier for me to tell parts of my adoption experience, as I attempt to post every day this month for the sake of National Adoption Month. For today, I have pulled out a card I received from the woman who would later become my mother-in-law, Carol Barton.

A little background first. When I realized I was pregnant, I moved to Logan. On my own. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, my family included. They didn't know until I told them one day when I was home for a short visit. I was nearly five months along at the time, but I was tiny, and the pregnancy really wasn't showing. We sort of decided, as a family, to keep the pregnancy a secret. I still had brothers and sisters in middle school and high school, and they really didn't need the drama in their lives.

But while I was in Logan, some of my strongest supports had Blanding ties. Obviously my brother Worthy and my future sister-in-law, Kim. But I also spent a lot of time with Kim's roommates, one of which was Tami Harris, also from Blanding. During that time, our friend Tami was dating a guy from Monticello named Britt Barton. He had been home from a mission a few months, and was dating Tami from a distance, visiting from Salt Lake, and then all the way from Mesa, Arizona, while he was working for the Anasazi Wilderness Youth Program. I only saw him a few times--he was very into Tami. I had heard of him when I was in high school; I remember I had a friend who had a crush on him, but until then, I had never met him.

Anyway, all of these people, even though they had ties to our little community, knew that my family and I didn't want folks in Blanding to know about my situation. As far as I know, they were all very discreet about the whole situation.

There was another family in Logan that had lived in Blanding a few years before, the Thielens, and they were also a huge support to me. At the time, Dan and Kathy had two young boys, and I actually helped babysit their boys while I was up there. The funny thing was, these two set me up on a date with a guy who happened to be from Blanding also, Jared Brown, for a double date with his brother Ammon, who Dan served in the National Guard with. I know, it is kind of convoluted. I was seven months pregnant at the time, and I just didn't know how to tell my friends that I really wasn't fit to be going out on a date. And I did go on that date--yes, it was weird. Jared later told me he knew something was up, but he didn't have the heart to say anything. And pretty soon, Dan and Kathy were in on the secret. They were even willing to adopt her, but I already knew that she belonged with the family I had chosen.

Every attempt was made on our part to be very discreet about the pregnancy and adoption. For all people knew, I was just living in Logan, working until I could save enough to go back to college there. Well, somehow, someone started a rumor about me being pregnant. A rumor that was in fact true, but as far as I can tell, it was unfounded by whoever started it. I hope that explains the first part of this letter:

Nan,

You know me " Miss Nosy." First, I want you to know that Tami is not where I heard your news. My neice, Kesha, was the one I heard it from and all she said was that you were pregnant and that you were going to give the baby up for adoption. {Oh, how we birth moms hate it when people say that--gave the baby up; that's not how I think of it at all!} That's all she knew. I heard no rumors or anything real negative. I called Tami only because I wanted to know how I could help.

Nan, dear, none of this changes how I feel about you. I love ya and I think you're a terrific gal. I pass no judgments. I wish I could be of more help--and I'd love to do anything I could--but you need to ask. Come visit me when you can. Come stay if you need. I promise I'll drop what I am doing and sit and visit. Nan, we share some experiences and understand more than you know. I've also learned that we are often the most unforgiving to ourselves. Don't hold on to negative feelings. Let go. Love yourself. You really are worth it.

Take care and remember that someone in Monticello loves you. See ya soon.

Love, Carol Lynn Barton

The front of the card reads: "People like you are as dear as can be. . ." Inside: ". . .and ever so special to people like me.

Okay, rather than appreciating the friendship offered here, at first I was really mad. And I was sure that whether or not she heard it from Kesha, the rumor probably originated from Tami. And for my family's sake, it was so important we keep the whole thing secret, and someone had obviously blown it. But whether or not she did, I got over it pretty quick. I always do.

And you know, even though we were still maintaining the secret when Kim and Worthy married in July--my mom had to alter my bridesmaid's dress a little, so my post-pregnancy pouch wouldn't be too obvious--there did eventually come a time when I felt more free to share my story. And now, I share it very freely, obviously. People are not always ready to hear it, but usually I have been able to find a way to share my testimony of adoption in an appropriate setting.

It was a month or so after the wedding that I went and visited my good friend, Carol Lynn. She was in the process of defrosting her freezer, but she dropped what she was doing to spend some time visiting with me. I am still grateful today for all the people who reached out in love towards me, at a time when they could have been judgmental and disapproving (well, I won't mention the first ultrasound tech I went to, or the crazy roommates I had when I first moved up to Logan--the one who stole my mail and tried to watch me in the shower). There were so many good people who helped me to make the best of what could have been a very painful time.

Charity really is a beautiful thing.

Oh, hey, don't forget to leave a comment if you want to be able to view my blog when I go private. It turns out the incident with Garrett was not as scary as it could have been, but I am still going to make my blog private. It just seems like the right thing to do now.

New think vs. Old think

I stole this from the Families Supporting Adoption blog. I hope they don't mind me sharing it.

*The OLD think is in BLUE.

If I find myself unexpectedly pregnant, abortion and single parenting are my only choices.

There is a third choice, one that has proven to be a success for birth mothers and children–the adoption option.

I would never consider adoption–it would be too hard.

Which ever choice you make will present many hardships–adoption may be no more difficult than abortion or single parenting.

My friends and family will think I'm terrible giving up my own flesh and blood.

Adoption is not "giving up," it is giving to–a decision you have carefully made out of love for the future of your child and yourself.

I'll never know what happened to my baby. I simply couldn't live that way.

The old way of doing adoptions (secrecy and no control) is out. The new way–open adoption–allows you to make the decisions regarding the future of your child and yourself.

Why adoption? Isn't it just for people who can't have their own kids?

Not necessarily true. Yes, some people cannot biologically conceive, but adoption provides a family for a child, not a child for a family.

Kids who are adopted have lots of problems.

Not founded in fact. Refer to the Search Institute Study. Children who are adopted have, among other characteristics, high self-esteem and positive identity concerns at rates as high or higher than their peers.

What about me? I feel it's my responsibility to raise my child.

Your responsibility is to make the very best and informed decision that you can for your child. Studies show that birth mothers who make an adoption plan typically move forward in their life, finish their education, have a career, and eventually marry.

My first letter to the adoptive family

It is going to be a month of letters here, for you to read. In my scrapbook about Cosette, there is a letter I wrote to her family, expressing my love and my faith in them. It is a little weird for me to read things I wrote back then, but like Kim commented on one of my previous posts, I sound pretty mature for being just 19 years old. I remember now how hard it was to be that "mature" during that time. I spent a lot of time hanging out with married people. Not necessarily old people, just people who may have been considered in a different frame of life than where I was at the time.

But I had such a hard time hanging out with my "peers". Even after I moved back home, when I would try to hang out at institute activities or other such events, I just couldn't get comfortable. I felt like I was in such a different place, and although I was not being secretive about what I had experienced not everyone was ready to hear my story. And the kids who were my age obviously just didn't get where I was coming from. In many ways, the young adults I sometimes spent time with just seemed too immature for me. I just felt like I couldn't relate. We were in such a different place.

I may share a little bit more about that experience later. That strange time, after suddenly growing up but still being a single young woman. But for today, a letter I wrote to the adoptive parents, right before I might them, and before (I wasn't allowed to watch) they were able to meet their baby girl for the first time:

June 14, 1993

Dear family,

How I wish you could have shared these last few days with me. I feel selfish, that I was the one who experienced that precious delivery, when Cosette's little hand and head popped into this world simultaneously. How beautiful she was, even with her splotchy, puffy skin and the little conehead, when they set her in my arms. I wish I could somehow give this joyous moment to you, but I suppose that is your gift to me for my time with your precious little child.

I wish I could share this whole nine months with you. Every moment of this time I've had with your daughter has been blessed by the Spirit of our Heavenly Father. I guess He knew how important it was that she make it to you safely and full of health. We have both been well taken care of throughout this time.

From the time I realized I really was carrying a tiny person inside of me, I considered my options and I knew without question that I needed to let her be adopted. In a way, even at 2 months along, I knew this little spirit belonged to someone else.

Abortion was never (underlined) a consideration. How could I terminate the life of a spirit of our Heavenly Father? The thought never crossed my mind. And after the nine months I've shared with this choice spirit, it is beyond my comprehension how anyone could even think of choosing abortion.

As I said, my entire pregnancy went really well. I was able to dodge most of the unpleasant side effects that can accompany pregnancy. I didn't have morning sickness. I hardly showed that I was carrying a person inside me until 7 months along. I was able to remain active until about a week before delivery, when I got a urinary tract infection. I was unable to recognize labor when it was finally actually happening, because I was already in pain.

I know this person who is joining you is a choice spirit of our Heavenly Father. Isn't she the dearest, most beautiful little baby? I could see in her precious little face that she had a knowledge beyond my comprehension of Heavenly Father's plan for her. She was so peaceful and sweet. I believe she knows and understands she was only visiting me and now she'll be with her family.

When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was that I would be a terrible mother. That is not why I chose adoption. In the last 9 months, I've had a lot of experience with other people's children, and I've started to recognize there is a bit of a maternal nature within me. Caring for Cosette these last few days, she's such a patient, trusting baby, I have no doubt I could have loved her and cared for her, and provided for her financially and emotionally.

But I could give her a family. A family she can be sealed to for time and all eternity. She is so precious and beautiful. After all she has done for me, that is certainly the least I can do for her.

The Spirit has been so close to me during this time of my life. I know that the choice I made which created this life was unrighteous and basically pretty stupid. But I also know that all the choices I have made since then have been right.

I know that Cosette belongs with you. I am so grateful that I was privileged to bring her into this world. I know she will bles your lives at least as much as she has blessed mine.

Even though it's hard to say goodbye, not letting go would be like a babysitter deciding not to send the child she babysits home with his family. Basically pretty ridiculous. I know where Cosette belongs, and though it will be hard not to see her as she grows more beautiful every day, I trust you will keep in touch with pictures and letters on her progress. I already know she's in good hands--after all, I picked you--but it certainly will be comforting to know how she is doing, while I try to get back into my regular life.

Give her lots of love for me and when you're admiring those strong, long legs of hers know that she got a lot of exercise kicking me in the ribs with those long legs for 3 months. Thank you for being worthy to care for this child. I know the four of you belong together.

Love,

Your child's birth mother

Hey, just a reminder. My blog is going private, so leave a comment on my previous post, if you want to be able to keep reading what I write here.

Toward Making Quality Decisions

So, for my inspiration for this months' adoption-themed posts, I have decided to pull a lot of stuff out of my old scrapbook from the year that I placed "Cosette" for adoption. I decided earlier today, I wanted to focus on this idea of the steps taken to make a quality, strong decision. I know that one of the papers I was given when I was working through this process was titled "Toward Quality Decision Making." Unfortunately, over the years, I have used the materials in this binder/scrapbook for various presentations and visiting with individual birthmoms, so it looks like somewhere between here and there, I have misplaced the paper.

And it has been a while since I actually eye-balled what it said, so you are just going to have to get a general idea of what it said, as I try to explain my thinking about the decision-making process here.

Let me tell you now where I am coming from. Recently, I have run across a couple individuals on adoption sites who are pretty bent on representing the "true, ugly" side of adoption. I have been pretty bothered by these people as I watch others participating in what is meant to be a positive forum for expressing our views on adoption, mostly on the good things we have experienced because of how we have been touched by adoption. Obviously, we also have opinions about how the adoption process could be improved, but most of us believe in the idea that adoption can be a great blessing in the lives of all involved.

But then there are a couple extremely vocal people, determined to scare away any potential birth moms, and bash adoptive parents as baby snatchers. Let me just tell you now, this really pisses me off. And if you know me, I never use that phrase (pisses me off--sounds so dirty). But it does. Irks me like you wouldn't believe. These individuals clearly never came to terms with their own decision and because of that, since they can't change their own path, they want to stuff it down everyone's throats that considering adoption is evil. I hate seeing those kinds of posts. I hate that these individuals are so vocal and hateful in a place that is meant to be nurturing and healing for birthmothers and struggling infertile couples, etc.

One in particular expressed the idea that at the time she chose a placement plan, she believed it was God's will and she was at peace with her decision. For several years, she claims. Then one day, she listened to vocal grown adoptees chattering about how their lives sucked because of adoption, and she suddenly decided she had made a horrible mistake. And I can't help but wonder if the clinical depression she doesn't specifically mention, but which is obviously present, influenced her mindset, convincing her that the reason she was so unhappy was because she gave up a baby 20 years before. Seriously folks, and her mission is to teach others not to get sucked into the trap. Ugh, it just makes me mad. She just doesn't get it.

I don't mean to belittle the way she is feeling. It just bothers me when someone has to come out and say how much they regret a decision they made decades ago, and how they can't help but wonder what their life might have been like had they chosen a different path.

When I first started sharing my adoption story, I had some people come to me and say after they chose to marry (because of an unexpected pregnancy) or single parent, they always kind of wondered how things might have been different had they considered adoption. My answer would always be the same. You don't wonder about things like that. You recognize the beautiful child you have now, celebrate where you are now, change what might need changing, and move forward. You don't look back. That decision was made long ago. You own it, you accept it, you don't ever regret it. You just move on.

You see, the choice I made, to choose an adoption plan for my unborn daughter nearly seventeen years ago now, that was not something I just jumped into. I considered my options. I looked at the pros and cons of each. I grabbed onto to the one that felt most right to me. I prayed about it. I prayed some more. I felt good about my decision. I held onto that peace. I KNOW I made the right choice. If I regret anything it is that it took me going through this experience to recognize the testimony I already had of the Gospel. But knowing that, I resolved never to lose sight of that testimony again.

You can't go back. Don't ever waste time on regret. Through this experience, I have learned the value of making good, clear decisions. And I do believe in owning those decisions, even the ones we let happen by default, by not deciding anything, even that is a choice we make.

I had a friend in college who knew she was her parents' oops baby, the child they got married because of. They had a strong marriage and a happy family, but somewhere in there, this girl grew with a sense of insecurity, like she messed up her parents' lives. I don't know if at some point they inadvertantly gave her that impression (or even intentionally) or if she was just reading things that weren't there, but I know it always bothered her. It was hard for me to see her struggle with that.

So, I say. Live and accept your choices, good and bad. Don't let one (or several) bad choices hold you back. I made a bad choice when I got myself into a situation where I became pregnant before I was ready to start a family. But I did my best to really think through the big decisions that came later, as a result of that action. I am grateful for the knowledge I acquired then about making decisions I can live with.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Hope that made sense.

In honor of National Adoption Month

mrs. r on the rhouse blog has challenged her followers to blog every day this month about adoption in honor of National Adoption Month. Before the month began, I was thinking I would try to do this, but I am still quite behind on my regular posts. I have basically decided I will take the challenge! I am just going to blog in between about all the regular stuff, too. And maybe somewhere in there I will get somewhat caught up.

So, my first post about adoption will be the letter that I wrote to Cosette, while I was in the hospital with her after she was born. For those of you who don't know, Cosette is the name I called the baby girl I placed for adoption 16 years ago. Here goes:

June 12, 1993 (4:30 p.m.)
Dear Cosette,

In an hour, you will be exactly one day old. The reality of all this has yet to hit me. I can hardly believe just a day ago you were that precious little person inside of me. And now you're here, like you just dropped in for a visit.

I can see how precious and wonderful you really are in just this day we've had to spend together. You are a chosen spirit of our Heavenly Father, and I am humbly grateful to have been privileged to bring you into this world.

You are already so patient, with those all-knowing eyes that see things I cannot comprehend. I believe you understand that your time with me has been a brief interlude. Soon, you will be able to join your family here on earth.

I love you dearly, little Cosette. Heavenly Father loves you dearly. What a choice person you are, to have helped in bringing me back to the path of righteousness, so that we might someday all dwell together with our Heavenly Father. You will also bless the lives of your parents and your big brother.

I have a lot of faith and trust in your new family. I know that I brought you into this world to join them. Even though it hurts to let you go, I will cry tears of joy, because I know you will have a blessed life.

You are so special. I know you will bless the lives of all around you. You have blessed mine in this marvelous "growing experience" we have shared together. I hope you will know that I love you a lot. Thank you for loving me enough to share your beautiful spirit with me.

I'll see you in heaven (maybe sooner!). Won't we have a lot to catch up on then?

Love,
Your friend and "mother"


Well, I signed the paperwork relinquishing my right to parent the following morning. Then, I gathered my things and left the hospital with my family. Signing the paperwork wasn't bad. Walking out of the hospital was difficult, but I was okay. But the next day I spent, completely alone in my apartment, after my family had gone back to Blanding. That time was really rough. But I survived. There were several more devastating days, when I could barely function, but I made it through. And I never regretted my decision. Never. I knew she was where she was meant to be. I still know that to be true.