But I had such a hard time hanging out with my "peers". Even after I moved back home, when I would try to hang out at institute activities or other such events, I just couldn't get comfortable. I felt like I was in such a different place, and although I was not being secretive about what I had experienced not everyone was ready to hear my story. And the kids who were my age obviously just didn't get where I was coming from. In many ways, the young adults I sometimes spent time with just seemed too immature for me. I just felt like I couldn't relate. We were in such a different place.
I may share a little bit more about that experience later. That strange time, after suddenly growing up but still being a single young woman. But for today, a letter I wrote to the adoptive parents, right before I might them, and before (I wasn't allowed to watch) they were able to meet their baby girl for the first time:
June 14, 1993
How I wish you could have shared these last few days with me. I feel selfish, that I was the one who experienced that precious delivery, when Cosette's little hand and head popped into this world simultaneously. How beautiful she was, even with her splotchy, puffy skin and the little conehead, when they set her in my arms. I wish I could somehow give this joyous moment to you, but I suppose that is your gift to me for my time with your precious little child.
I wish I could share this whole nine months with you. Every moment of this time I've had with your daughter has been blessed by the Spirit of our Heavenly Father. I guess He knew how important it was that she make it to you safely and full of health. We have both been well taken care of throughout this time.
From the time I realized I really was carrying a tiny person inside of me, I considered my options and I knew without question that I needed to let her be adopted. In a way, even at 2 months along, I knew this little spirit belonged to someone else.
Abortion was never (underlined) a consideration. How could I terminate the life of a spirit of our Heavenly Father? The thought never crossed my mind. And after the nine months I've shared with this choice spirit, it is beyond my comprehension how anyone could even think of choosing abortion.
As I said, my entire pregnancy went really well. I was able to dodge most of the unpleasant side effects that can accompany pregnancy. I didn't have morning sickness. I hardly showed that I was carrying a person inside me until 7 months along. I was able to remain active until about a week before delivery, when I got a urinary tract infection. I was unable to recognize labor when it was finally actually happening, because I was already in pain.
I know this person who is joining you is a choice spirit of our Heavenly Father. Isn't she the dearest, most beautiful little baby? I could see in her precious little face that she had a knowledge beyond my comprehension of Heavenly Father's plan for her. She was so peaceful and sweet. I believe she knows and understands she was only visiting me and now she'll be with her family.
When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was that I would be a terrible mother. That is not why I chose adoption. In the last 9 months, I've had a lot of experience with other people's children, and I've started to recognize there is a bit of a maternal nature within me. Caring for Cosette these last few days, she's such a patient, trusting baby, I have no doubt I could have loved her and cared for her, and provided for her financially and emotionally.
But I could give her a family. A family she can be sealed to for time and all eternity. She is so precious and beautiful. After all she has done for me, that is certainly the least I can do for her.
The Spirit has been so close to me during this time of my life. I know that the choice I made which created this life was unrighteous and basically pretty stupid. But I also know that all the choices I have made since then have been right.
I know that Cosette belongs with you. I am so grateful that I was privileged to bring her into this world. I know she will bles your lives at least as much as she has blessed mine.
Even though it's hard to say goodbye, not letting go would be like a babysitter deciding not to send the child she babysits home with his family. Basically pretty ridiculous. I know where Cosette belongs, and though it will be hard not to see her as she grows more beautiful every day, I trust you will keep in touch with pictures and letters on her progress. I already know she's in good hands--after all, I picked you--but it certainly will be comforting to know how she is doing, while I try to get back into my regular life.
Give her lots of love for me and when you're admiring those strong, long legs of hers know that she got a lot of exercise kicking me in the ribs with those long legs for 3 months. Thank you for being worthy to care for this child. I know the four of you belong together.
Your child's birth mother
Hey, just a reminder. My blog is going private, so leave a comment on my previous post, if you want to be able to keep reading what I write here.