A little background into my story

Obviously, my support and love for adoption is not centered entirely in my own experience, but it did provide the foundation for me. I know very few people have had their testimony of Heavenly Father's plan for each of His children built in the way that mine was. But I also know that each of us do have similar threads in our experiences that tie us together, those little things that connect us, when we can relate to something someone else says or does. I hope my little story can touch others in this way. I hope I can make it meaningful for you, as it has been for me.

So, I apologize for focusing so much on my own little journey. In many ways, it is just easier for me to tell parts of my adoption experience, as I attempt to post every day this month for the sake of National Adoption Month. For today, I have pulled out a card I received from the woman who would later become my mother-in-law, Carol Barton.

A little background first. When I realized I was pregnant, I moved to Logan. On my own. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, my family included. They didn't know until I told them one day when I was home for a short visit. I was nearly five months along at the time, but I was tiny, and the pregnancy really wasn't showing. We sort of decided, as a family, to keep the pregnancy a secret. I still had brothers and sisters in middle school and high school, and they really didn't need the drama in their lives.

But while I was in Logan, some of my strongest supports had Blanding ties. Obviously my brother Worthy and my future sister-in-law, Kim. But I also spent a lot of time with Kim's roommates, one of which was Tami Harris, also from Blanding. During that time, our friend Tami was dating a guy from Monticello named Britt Barton. He had been home from a mission a few months, and was dating Tami from a distance, visiting from Salt Lake, and then all the way from Mesa, Arizona, while he was working for the Anasazi Wilderness Youth Program. I only saw him a few times--he was very into Tami. I had heard of him when I was in high school; I remember I had a friend who had a crush on him, but until then, I had never met him.

Anyway, all of these people, even though they had ties to our little community, knew that my family and I didn't want folks in Blanding to know about my situation. As far as I know, they were all very discreet about the whole situation.

There was another family in Logan that had lived in Blanding a few years before, the Thielens, and they were also a huge support to me. At the time, Dan and Kathy had two young boys, and I actually helped babysit their boys while I was up there. The funny thing was, these two set me up on a date with a guy who happened to be from Blanding also, Jared Brown, for a double date with his brother Ammon, who Dan served in the National Guard with. I know, it is kind of convoluted. I was seven months pregnant at the time, and I just didn't know how to tell my friends that I really wasn't fit to be going out on a date. And I did go on that date--yes, it was weird. Jared later told me he knew something was up, but he didn't have the heart to say anything. And pretty soon, Dan and Kathy were in on the secret. They were even willing to adopt her, but I already knew that she belonged with the family I had chosen.

Every attempt was made on our part to be very discreet about the pregnancy and adoption. For all people knew, I was just living in Logan, working until I could save enough to go back to college there. Well, somehow, someone started a rumor about me being pregnant. A rumor that was in fact true, but as far as I can tell, it was unfounded by whoever started it. I hope that explains the first part of this letter:

Nan,

You know me " Miss Nosy." First, I want you to know that Tami is not where I heard your news. My neice, Kesha, was the one I heard it from and all she said was that you were pregnant and that you were going to give the baby up for adoption. {Oh, how we birth moms hate it when people say that--gave the baby up; that's not how I think of it at all!} That's all she knew. I heard no rumors or anything real negative. I called Tami only because I wanted to know how I could help.

Nan, dear, none of this changes how I feel about you. I love ya and I think you're a terrific gal. I pass no judgments. I wish I could be of more help--and I'd love to do anything I could--but you need to ask. Come visit me when you can. Come stay if you need. I promise I'll drop what I am doing and sit and visit. Nan, we share some experiences and understand more than you know. I've also learned that we are often the most unforgiving to ourselves. Don't hold on to negative feelings. Let go. Love yourself. You really are worth it.

Take care and remember that someone in Monticello loves you. See ya soon.

Love, Carol Lynn Barton

The front of the card reads: "People like you are as dear as can be. . ." Inside: ". . .and ever so special to people like me.

Okay, rather than appreciating the friendship offered here, at first I was really mad. And I was sure that whether or not she heard it from Kesha, the rumor probably originated from Tami. And for my family's sake, it was so important we keep the whole thing secret, and someone had obviously blown it. But whether or not she did, I got over it pretty quick. I always do.

And you know, even though we were still maintaining the secret when Kim and Worthy married in July--my mom had to alter my bridesmaid's dress a little, so my post-pregnancy pouch wouldn't be too obvious--there did eventually come a time when I felt more free to share my story. And now, I share it very freely, obviously. People are not always ready to hear it, but usually I have been able to find a way to share my testimony of adoption in an appropriate setting.

It was a month or so after the wedding that I went and visited my good friend, Carol Lynn. She was in the process of defrosting her freezer, but she dropped what she was doing to spend some time visiting with me. I am still grateful today for all the people who reached out in love towards me, at a time when they could have been judgmental and disapproving (well, I won't mention the first ultrasound tech I went to, or the crazy roommates I had when I first moved up to Logan--the one who stole my mail and tried to watch me in the shower). There were so many good people who helped me to make the best of what could have been a very painful time.

Charity really is a beautiful thing.

Oh, hey, don't forget to leave a comment if you want to be able to view my blog when I go private. It turns out the incident with Garrett was not as scary as it could have been, but I am still going to make my blog private. It just seems like the right thing to do now.