Gavin's Sponge-Bob Party!

Gavin turned 3 this month! The Bartons happened to be up there the weekend of his party, so we stopped by their house and celebrated with his family and friends!

(This is a duplicate of the post on the Glover Family Blog. I decided since I publish my posts in a book, I want a record of this one here, not just on the extended family blog)

Gavin loved his balloons--he was quite attached to them

Tyler was his buddy all day

Rachel was happy to play in their fun backyard

Olivia couldn't wait to work on a craft--these were the candy bags for the pinata

Some of the party guests :)

More party guests

Tim and Nancy were concerned that Gavin would be sad when the kids beat up on Sponge-Bob

But he was loving it!

Olivia gets in on the action

It's kind of fun when you don't have to wear a blindfold and the pinata doesn't keep moving like at our house

Tyler hits the pinata a couple times

Yay! Candy!

Filling the candy bags

Time to blow out the candle

Gavin didn't feel like waiting for us to sing to him

He blew out the candle as fast as his dad could light it

opening presents

he had lots of help

now he is ready to play

Tyler tried to show him how to blow bubbles with his new bubble wand

she loved making bubbles

and more bubbles

Rachel sayas, "Don't get me!"

It was a fun time to get to visit our little cousin Gavin and wish him a Happy Third Birthday! Gavin, You Rock!

Shopping for School Clothes

This is how we shopped for school clothes, when we were up in Layton the first weekend in August. This was the same weekend I was up there for the FSA Conference. The kids liked the mall, except the part where we made them try on shoes and clothes. Luckily, I did most of the school clothes shopping online, so the only shopping we really had to do was for shoes. I know what size my kids feet are, but that doesn't mean a pair of shoes that size will fit them exactly right. These pictures were the fun part of hanging out at the mall. And yes, we were also the bad parents that let our kids ride up and down the escalator while we focused our attention on another kid, trying to find the right clothes or shoes. If you can't already tell, it is called the hurricane simulator. I am sure anyone who has witnessed a real hurricane would tell you, they are not this fun.

Be Cool: Vote 4 Cole

It was an election week at the middle school. Cole informed us last weekend that he wanted to run for 8th grade representative on the Student Council. He also informed us that his best friend, Preston Macdonald was running for the same position.

How do you run against your best friend? The boys seemed to be okay about it. I even found one of Preston's election stickers in Cole's pocket when I was doing laundry, so he must have been wearing it some time in the week. Too bad they couldn't run together, like co-representatives or something.

My mother helped us create something like this for my brother and I when we ran for student council positions in high school. My goodness, my mom was superwoman! I know I bit off more than I could chew when I decided to make these.

It was quite the project--this is only a few of the 100 little fuzzy guys I created with printed (and hand-cut) sunglasses, pom poms, hot glue and printed sticker labels. It was a busy week. I hardly got anything productive done besides helping the kids with homework and working on Cole's campaign.

This morning, Cole gave out these napkins with Krispy Kreme doughnuts his dad picked up in Orem the day before. Yeah, Britt drove all the way to Orem to pick up doughnuts for Cole's election campaign. Okay, not really. But he did actually drive up and back on Thursday. He left and got back in less than twelve hours!

So who won?

Congratulations, Cole, the new Albert R. Lyman Middle School Eighth Grade Representative! I still wish both boys could have won, but I am pretty sure they are still good friends. I am glad he won, but either way, I am just so glad this campaign week is OVER!

Oh, you know what else? I forgot to mention Cole had several friends helping him give away candy and other campaign handouts. His instructions were for his friends to only give the stuff to kids in the eighth grade (because obviously the other grades don't vote for eighth grade rep). Apparently, a sixth grader asked one of his friends to give her a pom pom person and finally actually paid him $1 for it! So, I guess the pom pom dudes were pretty popular. Cole's mom (and of course his grandma before her) is awesome!

Rooted in Love

{This is part 2 of the United by Love post, just so you know}

listening to the Friday morning keynote speaker, General Relief Society President Julie B. Beck

Why am I having such a hard time with these posts? I get started and then I just can't do it. And you know what else? Every time after I hit the publish post button, I read back through the post and think, "Oh my heck! I am freaking comma happy." I think I must add a comma every time I pause to think of what to say next, because they are seriously all over the place. And then I have to review in my head the rules for proper placement of commas. Then, I edit my post multiple times, and I think I still get it wrong! Whatever!

I really have been having a hard time composing this particular post. I had a certain theme in mind, but as I have taken the last several days, between everything else that's going on, to try to formulate this post, I find myself going in a different direction. I am not altogether happy with the direction it is taking me either. Oh well! Here we go, anyway:

Friday morning, I registered myself (and Britt, even though he wasn't with me at the time) for the FSA Conference. Then, I meandered into the main ballroom for that morning's keynote address, given by General Relief Society President Julie B. Beck. I was excited to hear from her because she was so profound when she spoke at an Area Relief Society Conference here a few years ago. I have to admit, I was actually somewhat disappointed that most of her comments on this occasion seemed to be specifically for the benefit of the adoptive parents and LDS Family Services Counselors only. Another birthmother friend also said she felt Sister Beck did not include birthmothers at all in her speech.

But, there were a couple things Sister Beck said, right toward the end of her talk, which I felt do most certainly tie in with my life. She made a comment--I think it related somewhat to her experience being raised in a family, where her father had been widowed early, then remarried and had three children--she said something about how sometimes there may be questions that arise about what family some are actually sealed to. She says, we do not need to worry about these things. When we partake of those sacred temple covenants, we are ALL sealed into Heavenly Father's family. I am almost sure she even quoted a General Authority on the matter. Then she said, "Blessings will come both to the family the child is sealed to and birth families in the eternities." That part was for me. I am going to come back to that later. . .

She also promised us: "Christ is the advocate for every one of us. We are acquainted with grief, but we have an advocate with the Father who understands completely and will comfort us with the Holy Ghost." She also said to share with others who are struggling (with infertility?-- I don't remember if that was her point, but probably), "This is difficult, but it will not defeat you." Yep, all of that was for me, too.

Personal revelation does not always come in the form of a whispering in your heart, or a specific prompting to do something. For me, revelation often comes when I am reading something, the scriptures or the Ensign, watching something on T.V. or stumbling across something on the internet. It comes as my kids make an innocent statement, and I realize it could mean something more for me. When my boys were babies, I was struggling with being a stay-at-home mom. I didn't feel like I was contributing much to the world and I was certainly doing a pathetic job as a housekeeper, besides not always feeling adequate as a mother. My answer came in an Ensign article and a T.V. show. I felt inspired that I needed to get out of the house and go serve somehow at the nursing home. I started taking my two little boys and a bunch of scrapbook supplies and working on scrapbooks with some of the ladies residing there. I can't tell you I changed someone's life--most of them didn't even recognize me from week to week--but I felt I was doing something good and also teaching my boys to serve others.

Sometimes I don't want to pray for things, because I have an idea what the answer will be, and I know I won't like it. For example, if I can help it, I almost never pray for patience. I just don't like having my patience tested constantly, so I just say to myself, "Nah, don't need any more patience right now." I KNOW I do, but don't tell God, okay? I will tell you what I mean about all this rambling in a minute.

Some of my new friends and I attended another class titled "Understanding Common Emotional Issues in Adoption". The course was given by a couple of women, one who is an adult adoptee and the other is associated with The Adoption Exchange. Mostly, their perspectives related to the adoptee, especially in foster-to-adopt situations but of course not limited to that. They said even infants can experience the core issues related to adoption: grief and loss; divided loyalties; identity confusion; abandonment and rejection; loss of control; guilt and shame; and loss of trust in intimacy and attachment. The three of us in that class had an a-ha moment. Those issues don't just affect adoptees! They affect birthmothers, and we have seen as well that they affect adoptive parents. We see these issues manifest especially in the ways that the adoptive parents avoid us and are afraid of us.

Maryann had shared an analogy the night before. She said closed adoption is like a game of keep-away. The adopted child is held up in the air and passed around by everyone, the parents, the grandparents, the neighbors, the doctors, the teachers--everyone can hold the child as long as they keep it far, far away from the birthmother. Who suffers in that scenario? Obviously, the birthmother, but less obviously that child held high and away.

There were some good points the presenters made in that class. We enjoyed hearing the presenter who was an adoptee discuss the reasons she felt like she needed to track down her birthparents and establish a relationship with them, if somewhat awkward and difficult at times--her birth father didn't even know about her until she sought him out. She said in her case, when she was in her early twenties and starting her own family, she felt the need to know more about herself and where she came from. She also discussed how this open communication can be healthy and healing for everyone involved in the "adoption circle", formerly called the adoption triad--the adoptee, the birthparents, the adoptive parents. Oftentimes though, adoptees are afraid to seek out birthparents until their adoptive parents have passed away, because of the above-mentioned loyalty issues. This is a dagger in our hearts as birth mothers.

In the afternoon, Britt and I attended a panel together with husbands of birthmothers. It wasn't really that helpful to us in particular. It was more like, "Look, you young, single birthmothers, there is still hope for you. There are good men who can love you not just in spite of your experience but because of it." Hello! Britt and I already had that one figured out long ago.

So, he went back to shopping with the kids, and I met up with some of my other birthmother friends. There are a couple things worth mentioning in the other classes we attended. My friends attended an adoptee panel, with adoptees of various ages, including a 17 year-old boy and a lady in her fifties. The theme of that panel, my friends told me was "Look, we are so well-adjusted and content, we have no desire to EVER meet our birthparents in this lifetime!" OUCH! Of course, I wasn't there. Maybe it wasn't that bad.

But in another class Meg and I attended, a woman sat behind us who introduced herself as both the mother of a birthmother (we never met her daughter; I am assuming she was actually an expectant parent considering adoption), and as an adoptee. Then, she smilingly told us that she has had such a wonderful life, she never felt any need to know her birthparents. Meg flat out told her how much this hurts us as birthmothers. We have absolutely no way of finding our birth children after a closed adoption. We have no information, no options, no rights. We have to wait for them to find us. And when we hear that they don't want to know us, it kills us. Some of us have been waiting 18 years for the magic moment when we would get to have a relationship again with the adoptive family we loved and to get to know the child we loved enough to give away, only to discover there is no magic moment for us.

In that same class, we met a woman from Grand Junction, Colorado (not too far from here) who placed her daughter for adoption through LDS Social Services 30 years ago. She has moved forward in her life, but there is still that hole of not knowing, hoping she did the right thing, hoping someone might seek her out some day. All we have as birthmothers is hope. That, or bitter regret, if you read some of the very vocal anti-adoption "reformers" out there all over the internet. Believe me, they are there, and they are LOUD.

And now is the moment where I draw my conclusions from the experiences I had there and what I was meant to learn, both in those classes and things I have come across on the internet recently. In particular, I did a web search which included adoption, birthmother and Cosette and I found my blog multiple times with the particular combination of words that I used. I looked at some of my old posts. I read my guest posts on the r house blog. I even read some of my old letters to Cosette. I only saved the first ones; I didn't make copies of any of the letters I sent, so I only have the family's letters saved. But there is something very clear in there that shows up multiple times. I wrote it myself over and over again. It must mean something. Even if we never meet again, in this lifetime, I know someday we will. From my guest post:

Still, as I sit here and read some of what I have written, I am reminded of a statement I made several times in the year after placement. I said then that I knew we might never meet again in this lifetime, but I do believe that someday, we will meet again. I am okay with that. That is still true. If we are not able to connect in the near future, I still believe we will continue our relationship someday, if not now, then in the next life. I look forward to that reunion.

I don't like this. I hate this answer. But this IS the answer, for now. I am going to send in the paperwork to register with the State of Utah Vital Records Adoption Registry (which she cannot access until she is 21 anyway). I am going to register on all the online adoption registry sites I can find. And then I am going to let it go. I may never know them here. We may never communicate again on earth. But like Sister Beck said, we WILL celebrate in the eternities. She will ALWAYS be connected to me. I know this is true. I love her. And that is why I am letting this go.

United by Love

{Sorry, I got the title of this post wrong; the theme of the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) Conference I attended was actually Rooted in Love. I have been trying to figure out why I had this title on my brain and realized it is actually the title of a birthmother blog down there on my blog list. Still, I felt I should to stick to the original title after the way my post started to come together, so here we go:}

My new support group: other birthmothers like me from the era of closed adoptions

A little over a week ago, Britt and I took the family on a road trip. Thursday the 11th, we crammed into our van and drove and drove, stopped occasionally by road construction--okay. more than occasionally, ugh! We had forgotten how bad it can be in the summer time. Should have added at least 2 extra travel hours into our trip plans. We stopped in Springville to meet with a realtor Britt has been working with recently. She grew up in Blanding; she is Shawn Jack's sister, DawnElle. I don't remember her last name. We stopped at the Art City Trolley --yummy, quaint, and fun. The girls thought they were freezing in the air conditioned restaurant, but that was the case just about everywhere we went on this trip.

We traveled on, stopping at least one more time in Salt Lake. Then, we were on the road again, navigating construction, hurrying as quickly as we could.

Throughout that day, we had called several times up to the LDS Family Services agency in Logan. Sandy, the lady I have been talking to there had not returned my calls all week. I was hoping I could meet with her briefly in Logan, so she would have a face to put with my name, and maybe she would be more motivated to do more for me. I still can't believe she just lost that number. I know I should let it go, but why didn't she get their address and other information the first time she had them on the phone? It just makes no sense to me.

Moving on. We finally set an appointment with her for 4:00 p.m.; she still wasn't available, but we asked the receptionist to go ahead and schedule it. She wasn't comfortable with doing that--Sandy usually manages her own schedule--but Britt insisted. Then I finally received a call from Sandy, verifying the appointment which I had tried all week to set. But as our day went on, we realized we were going to be late, so we called the office to change it to 4:30. When we were finally just rolling into Logan at 4:30, we knew we would be even later, so we called the office to tell them to expect us in 15 minutes. Sandy got on the phone, and told me she didn't stay later than 5:00. I told her we would be there in ten minutes. Britt only sped a little, and he didn't run any stoplights, but we made it just in the amount of time that I had said.

Britt and I went in to talk to her, "thanked" her for her efforts on my behalf, and just visited for a moment. Sandy tried to explain all the reasons why the adoptive mother may have decided she wasn't ready to resume our previous relationship. She also assured me that she hadn't scared the adoptive mother away by mentioning my hopes for a reunion or anything like that. Sandy said she had told her that I was hoping to communicate with them again. It wasn't long after that, she received a phone call from the adoptive mother, saying they just weren't ready. I wonder if it ever occurred to Sandy that I may have liked to have known about that second call in the month and a half it took me to write a voluminous letter to the family. That still boggles my mind. I never would have known. We would still be waiting and wondering if Britt hadn't called to find out what the status was.

Now I am starting to sound bitter. I don't mean to be. And really, we were trying to be nice when we went into the office. We wanted Sandy to see I am a pretty normal, mostly well-adjusted mother of five, who would just like to make a connection once more with the adoptive family I have so dearly loved. I think we accomplished that objective. Whether she will make any more efforts on my behalf remains to be seen.

I also have to mention the paperwork she promised to send me, when I spoke to her for the first time, which I mentioned in this post, she never sent. She also didn't tell me how to find it myself, which I could have done if she would ever have returned my calls. She told me when I met her that she had asked someone else at the office to mail it, and she was unaware that it hadn't been sent to me. Oh well. Another thing I need to let go. Bureaucracies really bug me.

After our short fifteen minute "appointment," we turned around and headed back toward Layton. I know, that is a long way to drive for just a short visit, but both Britt and I felt like it needed to happen, and the kids survived. Layton is where our motel was, and where the Families Supporting Adoption Conference was being held the next two days. We arrived at the motel, checked in and brought all our bags up to our room.

Then, I went down to the Girls Night Out, sponsored by R House Couture, also in our motel. Remember Lindsey? I have been a guest blogger on her adoption blog a couple of times. I have met her once in real life, at the FSA Conference I attended up there two years ago. When I saw that she was having a party, so those of us passionate about adoption could meet and get to know each other before the conference, I KNEW I had to be there. I felt like such an idiot when I went to all those classes two years ago without knowing a soul.

So, I went down to the party, while Britt wrangled the kids who were all very anxious to go swimming in the motel pool. They had been looking forward to that all day and had been very patient about it. At the Girls Night Out party, I received a goody bag and a name tag as I entered. I then sat down at a table next to some other ladies. We helped ourselves to some treats, which included eclairs and cupcakes, a vegetable tray, and lemon water. As we ate, we started to introduce ourselves. I sat next to several adoptive moms, a couple hopeful adoptive parents, and a couple other birthmothers. The birthmothers I sat next to were adorable; both have marvelous adoptive parents and an extremely open relationship with them.

One I have stalked somewhat on her blog, since she was highlighted once on the r house blog. Her name is Andee, and she is just as darling in real life as she seems to be on her blog. She is fairly recently married and even more recently, she gave birth to her own baby girl, teensy tiny, so cute! She has said she has thought about deleting her adoption blog, because she really has moved in a different direction in her life, but she has decided to keep it up, even if she rarely posts on it. She is one who has always felt kind of guilty for having such a perfect relationship with her birth daughter's adoptive family, and for being so well-adjusted after going through the whole adoption process. While I admit I can't help but be jealous, I seriously enjoy seeing through her eyes what a huge blessing a healthy open adoption relationship can be!

The Girls Night Out party was scheduled from 7-10 p.m. Several times during that 3 hour period, I had little visitors come and ask if they could have a treat. The first time, I sent a huge plate with a swimsuit clad 11 year-old, only to discover she kept all the goodies for herself. I also gave cupcakes to Rachel, Olivia and Garrett. Silly kids.

So, the whole night, I was still having a hard time extending much outside of myself. I mean, it was lovely to talk to sweet young birthmothers who have had and continue to have a positive adoption experience. It is just not something I can 100 percent relate to. And it is also very pleasant to talk to the considerate adoptive parents who are so grateful for the beautiful relationships they have with their children's birth parents. But also not really relating to that, either. Saw Tamra (you may recognize her in the picture above if you have read any of my adoption posts--she is one of the birthmother blogs there on my sidebar, and she is also the gorgeous adoption advocate you may have seen in this video), and chatted with her just a bit. Said hi to busy, busy Lindsey, of course. But then it was 10 o'clock. Time to go.

And that's when Lindsey told me I needed to meet some other ladies. She introduced me to the beautiful women you see in the above picture: Nicole Gibeault, Megan Asay, Tamra (the same one mentioned above), and Maryann Byg. These women are all survivors of the closed adoption era. I say survivors because we are all still mostly positive about our experience, although there are plenty of aspects we would change, if given the chance. Nicole has actually had contact with her birth son but has not been able to establish much of a relationship with his family, so she hasn't been able to follow very much of his life since he left on his mission less than a year ago. Two of these women are currently pursuing re-establishing contact with the adoptive families. One was able to find her birth son through a facebook search. The other did a vital records search in Idaho that provided her with the family's information. Just so you all know, that is not an option for me; I already looked into it. There is no Searchfinders of Utah.

Tamra has not contacted her birth son's family yet that I know of. The last I heard she was trying to overcome all the emotions associated with how you can convince a family to welcome you back into their lives after things have been closed off for so long (sound familiar?) She plans to have LDS Family Services take the first step in contacting the family with the contact information she found and resume correspondence that way through the proper channels. The thing that she struggles with is the agency policy around the time of her placement was that she was supposed to be able to continue to send and receive letters once a year every year after placement. She was TOLD that correspondence had to terminate after the first two years. She was told wrong. It is so disappointing.

Meg is lovely and amazing, because she is the one among us who believed she would be part of an open adoption, only to be stuck in a crazy limbo where she is not even allowed to acknowledge that she IS a birthmother. When she chose an adoption plan, LDS Family Services was not supporting or allowing open adoptions, so she chose to place her infant daughter with her brother's family. This in hopes that she would still get to be a part of the child's life. But her brother and his family were uncomfortable with having their daughter know that her aunt was actually her birthmother. For the past 11 years, she has honored their need to keep this secret, but it means that none of her children know or understand about that part of her life either. It has been very hard for her to cope with her emotions as a birthmother when she feels like she can't even truly acknowledge that part of her life. And since they live across the country and feel no great obligation to keep her updated on her birth daughter's life, she suffers even more.

Maryann has challenged me to seek more information from LDS Family Services. Why can't I know her first name, so I can call her by that instead of a pseudonym? Why can't they tell me her parents' first names? Really, it was only a few months later that they changed their policy to allow the sharing of first names, so I ought to be allowed that at least. It would be something. I haven't fought for that yet, though. I am almost wondering if I ought to talk to the agency in New Mexico and have them take over my file. Maybe they could do more for me. Maryann's daughter was placed 18 years ago, so she is a lot like me. I believe she tried to go through the proper channels as well, once she had the contact information, but her birth daughter's parents told her they weren't ready to meet.

Here comes my rant. Why the heck not? What is the deal? These women are wonderful, LDS women, who raise their families in the Gospel. They are not crazy drug addicts. They are and were (even at the time of placement) good women who made a difficult choice, guided by the Spirit to something that they felt was the right thing. Of course, after being wronged in various ways, whether by the agencies or paranoid adoptive families, or just crazy people in general, they sometimes can't help but wonder about that choice. Does that mean they would try to take over as the parents of their birth child? No way! Every one of them respects the adoptive family. We just wish they would respect us.

The five of us stayed in the motel lobby that night after everyone else had gone. We visited for 2 1/2 hours after that. We talked about our frustrations. We shared similar experiences. We discussed how the Spirit guided our choices. We talked about the various ways the agency had failed us. Nicole was never offered any kind of post placement counseling. She was lucky to live through the grief. Some of us spiraled downward after placement, coping in various ways. Tamra actually said she was like Mother Theresa (a total nun) for the two immediate years following her birthson's placement, and she has spent all the years since doing everything she can to advocate for adoption. All of us had plenty of rough patches, but we were also blessed in different ways relating directly to our experiences.

That 2 1/2 hours was all I needed. I was ready to go home. How nice it is to be able to talk to people who really, REALLY understand my personal experience with adoption! While I tried to be mostly positive, it was such a blessing to be able to vent my frustrations about the parts of my experience I honestly wish I could change. No judgment, nobody reading into that as me saying that I regret the choice I made, because I absolutely don't and I know they respect that. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lindsey for bringing these dear women into my life.

I finally climbed the stairs and joined my husband in bed in our little motel room. So grateful for such a full, fulfilling day.

{Um, there was more to this post, but I have had such a hard time getting this published in the first place--working on it the last three days--I am going to go ahead and cut it short so I can hit "Publish Post". The rest will just have to come in the Part 2 post, when I get around to it.}

Until We Meet Again--Part 2

One day, you announced you were moving. I was in the middle of a crazy, hectic summer, and I said to myself, "I will find the time to help her. I will do something for them, this family who has given so selflessly for so many, including myself and my family." I thought about making a meal, offering to help you pack. I know you aren't one to ask for help, but I figured I would just come in and do it for you. Except I am still not very good at just barging in and helping, even if you are my sister. So, I did not very much of anything for you, besides making a Snickers Salad for your going-away dinner at Verdure.

I am sorry.

Truthfully, I think I have been in a bit of denial that you guys were really leaving us. Although I need you to know this: I am thrilled for you and your family that you get to experience this Grand Alaskan Adventure. Maybe I am even a little jealous. Just a little.

By way of apology, I hope you will accept a few pictures of that last evening at Verdure, until we meet again. . .

Rachel was so excited to spend some time with her cousin, Brittany. She even put together a little present, wrapped and everything, full of girly things like nail polish and stickers.

Apparently, other family members had the same idea, because Brittany already had a care package full of artsy things. Maybe we are not the only ones that noticed she likes being creative.

Brittany and Rachel spent the whole evening there doing nails.

"Brittany's Nail Salon"

Tyler and Olivia worked on their own nails.

The boys watched TV

Kaiden just hanging out

Hunter, on the one day he can get away with stealing Grandma Carol's Diet Coke

And dear, sweet Oaklee struggled the whole evening. Goodbyes are just hard. Here she is letting Tyler hug her.

And Rachel gives Oaklee a hug. Oaklee with her brave face.

Brittany makes Olivia promise to remember her. . .

. . . and keep reminding Olivia's mom to finish crocheting the doll purse she was supposed to make last year for Brittany's birthday (it is more than half done already, so you know).

One more hug for Rachel

and Tyler, too.

We love our Hughes cousins!

You guys, be safe. Keep us updated as much as you can. But most of all, just enjoy your experiences with each other there in Alaska.

Love,

The Barton family