Recently, I have been rather melancholy.
Maybe it's all the people moving and leaving. Maybe it is all the change in the air. Getting the kids registered for school--how can it be that time already? Preparing for big changes in our community's ward boundaries--not that I am really anxious about it, just eager to know how it is all going to work out. It just all feels like a lot right now.
But all this change, not to mention all the sorrow and tragedy happening around here right now, that's not really the source of my sadness. Oh, it definitely contributes. How could I not be affected by the sudden tragic deaths, the elderly grandparents in the senseless car crash, the lovely, always smiling mother of our friends, the heroic Navy SEAL killed in Afghanistan, the poor little baby who choked to death, not quite 2 years old? It is all hard to take. I suppose it is reasonable to be sad when life is full of so much grief and tragedy.
But that's still not it. Or at least not all of it. To tell you the truth, I have actually been sad because of some other people's good news. That is going to sound selfish and stupid. I guess it's not that simple. It's kind of more than one thing, but I suppose you might say that was the trigger.
See, a friend of ours and his wife were recently chosen by a birth mother to be the parents of her baby boy. It is such wonderful news, such a miracle, such a blessing. And then watching them and other couples try to navigate the nuances of open adoption. Then knowing I am going to a Family Supporting Adoption conference where there is going to be a lot of that being rubbed in my face. Okay, really I am happy for them; it's just a hard reminder of what I don't have.
Anyway, I started this post four days ago on my way up north for the conference. That was a long day. We went all the way up to Logan, so I could introduce myself to the counselor at LDS Family Services who never returns my calls and keeps forgetting to send me the paperwork I need to register with the state as a birth mother.
I want you to know in the last few days I have been able to work through some of my grief. Not so melancholy. I still have many of the same issues, but it was nice to work through some of them with other women in a similar situation. I mean REALLY nice. Thanks to my sweetheart for getting me there.
I am going to be okay.