Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dear Adoptive Family,

I want to ask a favor of you. I want you to stop being afraid of me. Could you find it in your heart to consider granting this one simple request? I want you to understand something. I don't know you. I know almost nothing about you, only those things you shared with me several years ago when the agency was managing our correspondence.

I need to explain some things to you. Just because someone at LDS Family Services slipped up and gave you my first name, my real name, which is Marianell, not the pseudonym, Amy I used when we wrote before; that does not mean that they did the same thing when talking to me. I do not know your names. I don't know where you live. And even if I did know these things, I would not stalk you; I would never try to be a part of your lives or your daughter's life without your permission.

I signed that paper, actually several papers, all those years ago, knowing and accepting completely what they meant. That I have no rights whatsoever in regards to the baby I bore. I don't have the right to know you, or to be involved in your lives in any way. I knew and understood all this.

I had the chance to give that baby girl to a family who would have let me be involved in her life. I had some dear friends who saw my pain and wanted joy for me. They already had two darling boys, and would love to add a sweet daughter to their family. They loved me dearly, and offered to ease the pain of my choice by allowing me to send her to someone I already knew, to them. They wanted me to have the chance to watch her grow, to see the love she would experience within their family.

I love you, Dan and Kathy Thielen family.

But at the time they made their offer to me, I had already received a strong spiritual witness that this sweet little spirit had a home where she was meant to go and that home was yours. I knew without a doubt she belonged to you. My prayers for hope and healing were answered when I found you. I knew she would not have to suffer from the mistakes I made, because she would have all the love in the world that was meant just for her within your family.

And I knew you loved me before you even met me:

And in those first months of her life, when you wrote to me, you knew things about me I didn't even realize I was feeling at the time. You were so aware of me, so thoughtful toward me. When she was five and I sought to communicate with you again, although the person working at LDS Family Services was so unkind, your letters were not. You seemed pleased that I was reaching out to you. Sometimes I wish I had pursued more with that. I suppose I had been under the understanding that as long as both parties wanted letters, we could continue to correspond. I should have been more clear about what I needed. Once a year would have been nice. But I didn't want to have to fight the agency every time, so I did not fight at all.

And I will not fight to make you include me again in your lives. I respect your need for space. I love you. I am sure you have your reasons for not being ready to have me know your daughter at this time. I hope someday that will change. It hurts me that you are not even aware right now that there are letters and pictures waiting to be sent to you. All you have to do is request them. That is all. It is all within your power, and though I feel completely helpless, I recognize that whatever you want is what matters.

But please, please do not be afraid of me.

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