After

The time immediately after placement was one of the most difficult periods in my life experience.

I was lonely.  I was hurting, aching from my self-imposed loss.  I was adrift.  When I was pregnant, I had a plan:  do everything I could to take care of myself and the baby.  Once she was out of the equation, I was completely lost.

Physically, I healed rapidly.  But emotionally and socially, I had a long way to go.  I couldn't find my place.  I continued to fail miserably at finding a job.  As far as establishing relationships, I was entirely out of sorts.  I was in between.  It was difficult for me to associate with my peers, because I felt like I was on such a different level, regarding a maturity they were lacking.  I don't mean to sound so uppity.  I didn't think I was better than them.  They just could not relate to where I was in my life experience.   Okay, maybe there were times I didn't try hard enough.  I struggled to enjoy the wholesome recreational activities they pursued.  Their pursuits just seemed too simple and frivolous.

I did not do frivolous.

But my other friends were married with children.  And I didn't really fit in that world, either.  I knew I needed to move forward with my life.  It was beyond me to figure out how to do that, though.

My brother and Kim got married.  I spent some time in my hometown when they had the reception.  I reconnected with some old friends.  Then I went back to Logan.  My roommates helped me celebrate my twentieth birthday.  I wished I could have been more enthusiastic.  I was grateful.

So, one day I was playing the thousandth game of Boggle, playing against myself, alone even though surrounded by roommates--they had been Kim's roommates before she married Worthy.  The next I was completely packed up and on my way home with my family.

I was foundering.  They wanted to help.  To this day I still question if that was the correct choice for me.  But I was in such a dark place, I let the decision be made for me.

I cannot fully explain to you how incredibly difficult that time was for me.  And I was not just affected socially and emotionally.  My fragile newfound spirituality suffered as well.  If I could present an image to you, it would be this:  Picture a person being lifted and carried in a mosh pit at a concert, held up high, cushioned and supported.  Then suddenly, the song ends and the crowd forgets they are holding that person up.  Immediately, she drops to the ground, bruised and broken.

I had never, NEVER felt so alone in my life.

The concert ended and the crowd just walked away.