Wednesday, November 23, 2011


The time immediately after placement was one of the most difficult periods in my life experience.

I was lonely.  I was hurting, aching from my self-imposed loss.  I was adrift.  When I was pregnant, I had a plan:  do everything I could to take care of myself and the baby.  Once she was out of the equation, I was completely lost.

Physically, I healed rapidly.  But emotionally and socially, I had a long way to go.  I couldn't find my place.  I continued to fail miserably at finding a job.  As far as establishing relationships, I was entirely out of sorts.  I was in between.  It was difficult for me to associate with my peers, because I felt like I was on such a different level, regarding a maturity they were lacking.  I don't mean to sound so uppity.  I didn't think I was better than them.  They just could not relate to where I was in my life experience.   Okay, maybe there were times I didn't try hard enough.  I struggled to enjoy the wholesome recreational activities they pursued.  Their pursuits just seemed too simple and frivolous.

I did not do frivolous.

But my other friends were married with children.  And I didn't really fit in that world, either.  I knew I needed to move forward with my life.  It was beyond me to figure out how to do that, though.

My brother and Kim got married.  I spent some time in my hometown when they had the reception.  I reconnected with some old friends.  Then I went back to Logan.  My roommates helped me celebrate my twentieth birthday.  I wished I could have been more enthusiastic.  I was grateful.

So, one day I was playing the thousandth game of Boggle, playing against myself, alone even though surrounded by roommates--they had been Kim's roommates before she married Worthy.  The next I was completely packed up and on my way home with my family.

I was foundering.  They wanted to help.  To this day I still question if that was the correct choice for me.  But I was in such a dark place, I let the decision be made for me.

I cannot fully explain to you how incredibly difficult that time was for me.  And I was not just affected socially and emotionally.  My fragile newfound spirituality suffered as well.  If I could present an image to you, it would be this:  Picture a person being lifted and carried in a mosh pit at a concert, held up high, cushioned and supported.  Then suddenly, the song ends and the crowd forgets they are holding that person up.  Immediately, she drops to the ground, bruised and broken.

I had never, NEVER felt so alone in my life.

The concert ended and the crowd just walked away.

1 comment:

Maryann said...

Thank you for sharing! I am not completely crazy. I always use the giving tree analogy for that time in my life. It felt like everyone took what they wanted and walked away leaving me to figure out how to put my life back together. In everyone else's eyes, it was over. But for me, the journey had just begun.