When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was "I would be a terrible mother." My time in the hospital with my birth daughter proved otherwise. I loved her dearly, and I realized if I had chosen that path, I could have parented her. Spending that precious time with her also reaffirmed to me that she was meant to be with the family I had chosen for her. My time with her was a miraculous gift. Saying goodbye to her was incredibly hard, but I was buoyed up by a strength given to me through the prayers of several people, including my own.
More from my journal:
Tuesday, June 15, 1993 (10:00 p.m.)
Feeding Cozette Sunday morning was the most special experience. She kept looking up at me with those wide, trusting eyes. I would feed her some of the bottle and she would spit it up. She had the hardest time burping. She would strain her back with that strong neck of hers and look at me like, "I really am trying, but nothing's working."
She didn't cry. She just wouldn't cry. I guess she knew we'd take care of everything, because even though sometimes her face scrunched up with an expression of displeasure, she rarely chose to vocalize her complaint.
I fed her most of the bottle. She would spit it up and I'd be wiping off her face and she'd open her mouth for more. She was so beautiful, so trusting.
Over two hours later the feeding was over and I sent her back with the nurse. I rested a short while. Then I took a bath and a shower. Dr. Isaacson visited me, asked how I was holding up. I put on my make-up. My parents came at 8:30 to help me through signing the papers.
Saturday, June 19, 1993 (10:05 p.m.)
Signing the papers was not too difficult, because I knew it was the right thing. Steve Francom commented on the fact that I was crying as we went through them and I signed. I said, "You didn't think I would." He responded that sometimes girls just try to be tough and hold it in.
There was a wonderful calm, a peace within me after I signed the form that turned Cozette over to LDS Social Services. I knew everything I have done for Cozette has been right. She's now with the family she belongs to.
The rest of [my] family came at 10:30, after church. We spent our last moments with Cozette. We fed her again. We dressed her in the beautiful dress that Mom made for her (the pattern and material I bought, remember?) We took lots of pictures. Everybody held her. We posed with her and [my] family.
I got dressed. We packed everything up. Everyone said their goodbyes. We changed Cozette out of the dress. The nurse came and they took Cozette back to the nursery and helped me walk out without her.