I'm a little bit upset that time has not allowed me to get this done sooner. And I really am too tired to stay up much longer, so this is probably going to be kind of a pathetic post. I just know I am running out of days in this month, and I do want to tell my story, besides a few other posts I need to throw in here.
Once I realized I was pregnant, I decided I needed to get out of my hometown. I started contacting people, looking for a place to stay in Logan. I found a place. I packed my things up, thinking carefully about the things I could not bear to be without. I honestly did not expect to be heading back home for a long time. I felt like I would need to stay in hiding. I knew I would have to tell my family eventually, but my older brother was still serving a mission, my two younger sisters were still in high school, and my younger brothers were in middle school. My mother was busy in her new position as assistant dean at the college. I didn't want to burden my family with that information yet.
I moved myself up to Logan entirely on my own. When I got to town, I tried to call some friends to help me load boxes up the steep, icy stairs, but I was unable to reach anyone. I started job hunting up there as well. I contacted LDS Family Services. I made an appointment with a doctor, recommended to me by LDS Family Services. I located my college ward--only to discover it wasn't the right ward, but then I found the right one. I started working with my bishop there, too. I had already begun the repentance process in Blanding.
My mother would not have recognized me during that time. And I am not talking about the pregnant part--I barely showed, even when I was several months along. No, I mean when I was in high school and even in the year after, I relied on her to do a lot for me. I probably never would have gotten a college application filled out if it weren't for her help. I read in my journals about those first few weeks in Logan, and I can't even believe it is me. As a matter of fact, some of the things I did (like baking and collecting recipes like a madwoman) were only true of my personality during that brief span in my lifetime. Pregnancy-hormone related suddenly being productive and filled with purpose?
I don't know. There is more to it than that. There were so many things about my life then that were guided and blessed. So many things that happened as they were meant to, things that helped me navigate this difficult position in which I now found myself. Now, the set of roommates I moved in with would not necessarily fit in the category of blessings, unless we are referring to the kind of blessings we experience through trials. My roommates were all LDS and none of them attended church. Half of them partied (alcohol and other drugs) almost all the time. I found myself repulsed by the lifestyle choices they were making, several of which were actually similar to choices I had previously been pursuing. I viewed my life then through such different lenses. I knew I needed the Spirit with me. I sought it desperately.
And the Spirit was my close companion, helping me through this lonely, desperate time.