Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Choice and Accountability

I was one of the good kids.  I went to church every Sunday.  I liked it there.  I never sluffed Sunday School.  I didn't date before I was sixteen.  I didn't have a steady boyfriend in high school.

To tell you the truth, I was afraid of boys.  This is kind of weird, because some of my best friends were guys.  I mean, it was always easier for me to talk to guys than girls.  And I definitely had my share of crushes on guys.  But if I found out a guy "like-liked" me, I avoided him like the plague.  I was deathly afraid of physical contact from a guy.

This made for some awkward situations in high school.  My first kiss was exciting and amazing and terrible.  I froze.  I didn't know what to do.  I was thrilled and terrified at the same time.  Then, I remember the night I came in and told my parents the boy I had just been out with was going to be mad at me because I wouldn't let him kiss me.  My parents were proud of me, but I was humiliated and so frustrated with myself.  I was just so scared.  And he did end up being mad at me.  And it did mess everything up that might have happened between us.

I hated being like that.  I hated being afraid of guys, even the guys I liked.

Then, one day when I was a senior in high school, I read an article in a magazine about repressed memories.  And suddenly, I knew that was me.  Suddenly, I had an idea about why I wouldn't let guys get close to me.  But I didn't want to be like that.  I didn't want to let the messed up things that had happened in my past keep me from being able to be with guys.

So, I did a sudden 180 degree turn.  I went to the opposite extreme.  And I didn't even like the guy.  I just wanted to stop being so cautious and paranoid about guys.  But ugh, like I said, I really didn't even like the guy.  And then I was with him all the time, and I was even sluffing school, and hanging out with other people I probably shouldn't have been.

Luckily, circumstances drove us apart.  And I realized I was getting in over my head a little with the "relationship" I was in with him.  Unfortunately, I had also realized I really liked kissing boys. . .

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