I was one of the good kids. I went to church every Sunday. I liked it there. I never sluffed Sunday School. I didn't date before I was sixteen. I didn't have a steady boyfriend in high school.
To tell you the truth, I was afraid of boys. This is kind of weird, because some of my best friends were guys. I mean, it was always easier for me to talk to guys than girls. And I definitely had my share of crushes on guys. But if I found out a guy "like-liked" me, I avoided him like the plague. I was deathly afraid of physical contact from a guy.
This made for some awkward situations in high school. My first kiss was exciting and amazing and terrible. I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time. Then, I remember the night I came in and told my parents the boy I had just been out with was going to be mad at me because I wouldn't let him kiss me. My parents were proud of me, but I was humiliated and so frustrated with myself. I was just so scared. And he did end up being mad at me. And it did mess everything up that might have happened between us.
I hated being like that. I hated being afraid of guys, even the guys I liked.
Then, one day when I was a senior in high school, I read an article in a magazine about repressed memories. And suddenly, I knew that was me. Suddenly, I had an idea about why I wouldn't let guys get close to me. But I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to let the messed up things that had happened in my past keep me from being able to be with guys.
So, I did a sudden 180 degree turn. I went to the opposite extreme. And I didn't even like the guy. I just wanted to stop being so cautious and paranoid about guys. But ugh, like I said, I really didn't even like the guy. And then I was with him all the time, and I was even sluffing school, and hanging out with other people I probably shouldn't have been.
Luckily, circumstances drove us apart. And I realized I was getting in over my head a little with the "relationship" I was in with him. Unfortunately, I had also realized I really liked kissing boys. . .